Once upon a time, in the magical land of New York City, there lived a man named Farce-issus. Farce-issus was the most handsome man in New York, and he knew it. He had his own nightclub, which was highly popular. He knew he would be able to use his wealth and good looks to get anything he wanted.
However, Farce-issus, along with being drop-dead gorgeous, was a complete bastard. People generally didn't care about his personality though, seeing as how he was just so insanely handsome. He had the entire city in the palm of his hands.
Being so powerful made Farce-issus' ego even worse. Nobody cared still because of his immense beauty. Nobody, that is, except for one man.
This one man was Carl, the janitor at Farce-issus' nightclub. Carl was an 80 year old man, who nobody payed much attention to. Carl spent much of his time at the club (Seeing as how he worked there) and he knew just how cruel his boss could be.
Everyone had told stories about Carl being a witch. Carl didn't know how these rumors started. He had never practiced witchcraft in his entire life. Then, after a few years, Carl was told by one of the club's patrons that Farce-issus was the one who started the rumors.
Carl then vowed to get back at Farce-issus for being such an asshole. After that day he decided that he actually would learn witchcraft, just to get back at the son of a bitch.
He spent every Saturday reading articles on the dark arts on the internet. He borrowed books from the library. He did whatever he could to find a spell to take revenge upon Farce-issus.
One morning, he found something that would help him. It was a love potion. But it wasn't the average love potion. It didn't make people fall in love with the first person they see like other cliched stories you see every year on the Nickelodeon Valentine's day specials. This was a love potion that took a person's true love, and amplied it a thousand-fold.
That afternoon, he made the potion just as the book said to. He knew this would work, because he knew what Farce-issus' true love really was- Hismelf.
That Monday, he took the potion to work with him and carefully poured some into his boss' drink. The book said it would take a few minutes to activate, so he wasn't surprised when nothing happened at first.
After Farce-issus finished his potion-poisoned drink, he saw a woman calling for a drink. He stood up, prepared a drink, and started walking over to the woman.
Suddenly, before he could get to the lady, he stopped. Carl smiled. He knew the potion was starting to take effect. The next symptom of the potion was for Farce-issus to twitch uncontrollably for a few seconds. During the twitching phase, Farce-issus dropped the drink, causing it to crash on the floor.
After twitching for a minute, Farce-issus came back to his senses. He smiled at the woman who had asked for the drink, and started bending down to pick up the broken glass. Suddenly, he stopped. He turned to Carl and pointed at the floor. "Carl, please tell me who that beautiful effigy is..."
Carl walked up to his boss, smiling. "That's your reflection, Sir." he said with a snicker.
"My, my, my..." Farce-issus said, "I certainly am dashing, aren't I?"
"Yes, you are, Sir..." Carl laughed, "But don't you think you should get to the customers?"
"Forget them!" Farce-issus snapped, "Tell the customers to leave! I want to be alone!"
Carl sneered. He turned to the eating area, and shouted to the customers. "Attention everyone! The boss says that you all have to leave! We are closing early today!"
The customers groaned and shouted, but Farce-issus (Being the egotistical fuck he was) didn't notice. He only continued to stare at his reflection.
Carl turned back to Farce-issus. "Well Sir..." he said, "The customers are gone. You're all alone."
"No, Carl..." Farce-issus replied, "I'm not alone... You're here..."
"Sir..." Carl said, "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying 'Get out'..." Farce-issus replied, "When I tell you 'I want to be alone' that means you must leave as well."
Carl smiled. "Alright Sir..." he said, "I'm leaving."
He walked out from behind the counter and walked out of the building. He placed the 'Closed' sign in the door on his way out.
After a few days, Carl came back. He walked behind the counter, and saw his boss. "Sir..." he said, nudging Farce-issus' shoulder. Farce-issus didn't budge.
Carl smiled and walked away. "Farce-issus you poor, poor bastard..." he said to himself, "You were too busy looking at yourself you forgot to eat, didn'tyou?"
He cackled evilly to himself as he walked out of the building.
The moral of this story: Don't act like an asshole to janitors, or they will kill you with love.
There are several other versions of this story. One of which involves Farce-issus turning into a fucking flower or something... If you want to read this version, then fuck you. You're lucky enough I had the attention span to even write this author's note, you fucking bastards.
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