The Unemployed Resume

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Several persons' resume. SMH

1342 Anyplace Lane, Southeast, US 20000·865-675-6933·soprofessional@yahoo.com

Unemployed Man

Objective

To find a position that will pay me at least $15 an hour and require me on average to work no more than 45 hours a week. Lengthy negotiation will be undertaken if offered salary position.

Experience

Aug. 2013 – Present Self-EmployedSoutheast, US

Basic Computer Games Czar

  • Claimed a 9% winning percentage on Solitaire(Solitaire has grown in difficulty since the last

time I seriously played it in 1995)

  • Performed competitively on level seven of Chess Titan

Aug. 2013 – PresentSelf-EmployedSoutheast, US

Therapist

  • Counseled a depressed person for fifteen minutes between the hours of 7 and 9 each morning except for some weekends
  • Created activities to prevent depressed person from becoming suicidal

  Aug. 2013 – Oct. 2013Network TelevisionSoutheast, US

Daytime Television Commercial Analyst

  • Analyzed and scrutinized daytime television advertisement (Some companies are shameless)
  • Deducted that 70% of people that watch daytime television are in need of a lawyer

May 2011 – Aug. 2013Retail HellSoutheast, US

Various Positions

  • Allowed ambition to erode
  • Completed assignments no matter how long it took without an adjustment in pay (Salaried positions are a hindrance to  the job market)
  • Completed typical retail tasks for less than ten dollars an hour (Part-time employment when seeking full-time employment is a joke. You have just enough money to get to work and feed yourself.)

Dec. 2010 – PresentSelf-EmployedSoutheast, US

Job Applicant

  • Submitted one thousand applications to various industries and professions
  • Obtained twenty-five interviews (Thank you to all human resource personal who decided I wasn’t what they were looking for over the phone and shame on the ones that wasted my gas)
  • Continued to submit applications (I have my fingers crossed  :\\ ) 

Aug. 2013 – PresentSelf-EmployedSoutheast, US

Author (Purposely Out of Order)

  • If every anchor on every National Morning Television Show can write a book so can I
  • Checkout my book Generational Heist at http://shamont97.wix.com/literaryworks

Education

April 2011Paid Too Much or Not Enough UniversitySoutheast, US

Bachelor of Science in not Accounting, Computer Science or Engineering

  • Minor in English

May 2007Graduate of Enough Education for the Current Job Market High SchoolSoutheast, US

 

References

References and the More Descriptive Unemployed Resume are available in the book Generational Heist.

 


Submitted: December 26, 2014

© Copyright 2021 theunemployedmr. All rights reserved.

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Comments

AffectionForever

This was a very interesting to read anecdotal resume! Well done!

Mon, December 15th, 2014 4:37am

Author
Reply

Greatly appreciate. I thought it up as I was finishing my first book. I wanted to add something like a rant to the end of it and the Unemployed Resume fit what I was going for. I think it works as a great promotional piece as well. You should checkout the article in my portfolio I created to go with it. It's called "Unemployed Resume Lands Job Interview"

Thu, December 18th, 2014 9:37am

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