Love and Suicide

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
My true story for why I am suicidal.

Submitted: April 14, 2013

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Submitted: April 14, 2013



This is a true story about my life, I have edited some of it to protect my identity should someone from this story stumble across this. I should also mention that I am a clean 15 year old, no drugs, no smoking, no dipping, no drinking.

"Freshman year will be a fun new experience for all of you."

Thats what one of my schools advisors say to all of us at the beginning of the year. At first I thought she was right, about half-way into the year though, me and my girlfriend broke up. It was hard but I got over it. Now after five years, I'm single. Ever since the week after we broke up all I see is couples, happily walking through the halls hand in hand, sharing a kiss before they go to class.

Two weeks since we broke up and I start noticing someone else. She has been a friend of mine for years, the only girl that I can call friend. I got the same feelings thinking about her as I did five years ago. One night before our first day of End of Course Exams, (where kids that were exempt didn't have to go to class) I was on my phone, checking my Facebook. A message then popped up. It was her.

her "Hey, I heard about you and name disclosed. You doing ok?" I was shocked that she is just now figuring this out.

me "Ya, I'm fine, I have gotten over it now."

her "Ok, well if you need someone to talk to or if there is something on your mind I'm here."

me "Actually there is something."

her "Ok, I have time. Whats up?"

me "Its about a girl, not name disclosed, someone else."

her "Let me guess, you have a crush on her and don't know what to do about it."

me "Ummmm, ya pretty much."

her "Well, who is it, or do you not want me to know?"

me "uhhhhhhh"

her "Let me guess, is it person 1?"

me "No."

her "Person 2?"

me "No."

her "Person 3?"

me "No."

her "Is it me?"

me "..........." (This is really what I responded with)

her "Oh my gosh. It is me!

Why didn't you tell me before?! I guessed so many times!" (She did guess more than 3)

me "I didn't tell you because you should know that I hardly know any of those people and that you are just about the only girl that will even talk to me."

The conversation went on for about an hour. She kept asking if she was the reason me and name disclosed broke up. I would tell her no every time because she wasn't. The night ended like this:

her "I don't see why you would like me. Im just......average."

me "Don't ever short yourself like that. Your not just "average". You are above average, and even higher above that."

her "Im gonna be honest with you until this get's drug out to far, I only like you as a friend."

After about ten minutes of thinking I finally sent her something back:

"I understand."

I then threw my phone onto my night stand and put my face into the pillow. I didn't want to believe what I just read. Thoughts of pain ran through my mind. Suicide was a topic in my head on a daily basis and you can just guess how this situation would effect that.

Anyways, I went to school the next two days, finished the semester, Christmas, then back to school. Through out all of it. I questioned why she didn't like me as more than a friend. School came back to quick and the first assignment in my first class was a group project. The teacher read off the names and I got put with her and two other girls. The project lasted several weeks with me and the others having to meet at her house. After the project was over she texted me either about our final grade or something else, I cant really remember. But either way we got back around to how I feel about her.

I told her that the only reason that I went to the group meetings was to see her.

"Not even a little bit for the project?" She said

"Well, ya but very little." Was what I answered with, which was a lie. I went to her house only for the reason to see her.

Days and days go by. Everyday getting harder to deal with. School sucks, some people are dicks, and suicide runs through my mind.

One day though, while walking home from church with a friend, I told him how I feel about her. I told him how it hurts everyday to think about why she doesn't like me. Not one word of suicide was mentioned from either of us.

friend "You seem so happy though."

I may seem happy but I'm not, I'm dieing on the inside. It has come down to me having to try and build my self up again. But every time I make progress, my walls fall. Some nights I break out in tears with a knife in my hand, knowing I can just end it all now. But if I do, then I know that I will have no chance of having her.

I am losing my sanity, so I thought I might as well tell why before its all gone.

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