Every year of my life I'd ask for one thing and one thing alone. Every Christmas, every birthday, one thing that I wished for with all of my heart. One thing that I wanted,
needed desperately. One thing, nothing more, nothing less. Just this one thing that I thought would be the most simplest of all things to give. I wanted someone to love me forever. I wanted someone
to hold me when I needed them to, cry with me, laugh with me, love me. I wanted to look into their eyes and see that they would never leave me, see that they would never turn away from me.
That was my wish until something happened that made me not wish for it anymore.
I grew up.
People came and went and a lot of them uttered those words that nowadays holds no meaning. They would claim to love me, yet these people, when I needed them most, left me in the dust. Without a second glance they went. Just walked out of my life. Some laughed at how foolish I was, some shook their head in pity. Some just walked away.
I forgot what love meant. I forgot about how it felt to have someone truely love you. I became distant and untrusting. I put up a stone wall around my heart that not even I was able to tear down. I felt that if I just stayed put behind this wall of mine, no one could lie to me, no one could touch my heart. No one could hurt me.
On the outside I was strong and nothing could break me down. I had a smile on my face and the right words to say to anyone who asked. No one told me that they loved me. I began to think that it was impossible to love someone like me. Impossible to love someone who didn't want any one near them. And yet, deep inside me, there was this tiny child crying. She was so broken and torn that I felt something jump in my heart for her. I felt pity, sadness, the need to comfort her and hold her. I found that she was alone, always alone. Then I realized that this tiny, lonely child, was me. I had locked her up somewhere inside myself, somewhere along with all the hurt and regret that I had erased from my memory. When I tried to heal her, this child, me, she just became more and more broken. I vowed to someday heal her completely.
I fell into myself, constantly trying to solve this weakness, wanting to know the answers. Why couldn't I, a strong mature young woman who had survived against all odds, heal myself? Why was I so broken? Why was I so alone? The questions haunted my dreams and pulled at my soul. I couldn't find any answers, I couldn't solve any of it on my own. I needed help.
Pride and perhaps fear prevented me from reaching out to those around me. Prevented me from asking someone to help me. I was falling faster and faster into a sense of hopelessness and confusion that I was unable to escape from. I wanted out! I wanted to end this terrible ordeal that I had started with myself! Yet whenever I attempted to end it all, no one would allow it. Me, someone who people had turned away from and left on the floor, wasn't allowed to end her own life. Who gave them the right to decide something like that?!?! It was my fucking life!!
Still, despite the never ending need to get out, I continued on with my pointless journey, feeling something pulling me onward. Something begging me to go on. I wondered vaguely if it was that child that I had promised to help. She had remained in her silent fortress, crying and giving in to the pain when it became unbareable. Like her, I was alone. Like me, she had no one to turn to. We were one and the same. We were together, but always so alone.
One day I was just walking and I heard a song. Only two words jumped out at me at first. Love me. All at once memories flooded my mind. I want someone to love me forever. That was the wish that I had made when I was a child. That was what the little girl inside me was crying for, desperately begging for. That was what I wanted and needed. But I had decided long ago that humans knew nothing of love. They couldn't comprehend the concept of forever. I was doomed to fail.
Then my brother was born.
One day sometime after his birth I had looked in his eyes and saw...myself! Not a reflection, but what he saw of me. He saw someone who would protect and love him. I felt something hot fill my heart. It tingled and almost ached. I nearly cried and I wondered, is this what it feels like when you love someone? Until that day I had hated him. My little brother. I couldn't get over how he had just come into my life and stolen my family, my time and my world. Yet when I looked in his eyes, I saw nothing of hate nor fear. I saw pure, untainted and unconditional love. I saw trust.
From that day I made sure to protect him and love him to the best of my ability and then some. I didn't want anything to happen to him. I wanted to keep him safe. I loved him. And the best part was, whatever I did, whatever I said that day, whatever happened, his love remained unchanged. It was like the gods had taken pity on me and granted my wish.
Slowly I felt myself healing. The little girl smiled inside me one day and my soul was filled with unspeakable joy. My brother was responsible for putting back together what so many others had torn apart. And he wasn't even three years old yet!
In a cruel twist of fate, the one thing I couldn't live without, I was forced to. I left my brother in a place that I didn't feel was safe for me, let alone a little baby boy. I blocked my heart off from the world once more. Hating the fact that I had done something so terrible. Hated the fact that I had done the one thing that I had asked not to happen. I left him. I betrayed him, I walked as far away from him as I could. Through it all I couldn't cry. It was as if I wasn't worthy to cry. As if my tears wouldn't make any difference. As if I wasn't human enough to cry.
I pushed him and the little girl to the back of my heart. I built them their own seperate place and locked the door, never wanting to unlock it again.
Since then people have told me that they love me. Over and over I hear the words and my reaction is always the same. You're lieing. It's impossible to love me because I can't love myself. What you feel, isn't real. I did everything I could to make them leave me as the rest had. I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to think of the things that had happened. I just wanted to disappear and be left alone forever. I was tired of being strong, I was tired of hiding the hurt. I wanted to break down and never get up. I wanted to walk away from the only thing that I couldn't; myself.
Isn't it ironic? How for all my life, I wished for someone to love me forever. And yet, whenever someone actually did love me, all I did was push them away.
This story is true. Every word. And it's not finished yet. Maybe someday I'll finally be able to let someone hold me and let someone see my tears. Maybe some day someone will be able to love me, and I'll let them. Maybe someday I may even be able to love them back.
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