That Certain Kind of Feeling

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Thrillers  |  House: Booksie Classic
An unhappy young man has a life altering expereience. It is my first submission.

Submitted: June 24, 2011

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Submitted: June 24, 2011



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That Certain Kind of Feeling

There is a certain kind of feeling this late at night.Jeff was in a mood to be led by his feelings; it was feelings which had bought him out on this November night. He pulled his aging but surprisingly reliable Dodge Omni into the parking lot and killed the engine.It was deserted as he had hoped it would be.Jeff flipped off his headlights and surveyed the area.There was enough moonlight for him to be able to see his immediate area, but the trees that surrounded the parking lot seemed to soak up the light, closing him in.Jeff sighed, he pulled his keys out the ignition and then thinking better of it, pushed the key back in.Jeff opened his door and stepped out. He hesitated for a moment then closed the car door unlocked.

Jeff stepped on a dry leaf making a weak crunching sound.The leaves long since ended their time in the sun and had joined the ever swelling ranks of left behind and inconsequential.They lay half a foot deep in the woods, lifelessly encroaching on the parking lot and everything else they encounter. Jeff made his way across the parking lot.Wishing he had worn a jacket, Jeff folded his arms and rubbed himself.He left the parking lot on the small path to which it was attached.The path had apparently been maintained, but even so, the leaves were making their never ending advance, spilling in here and there. As Jeff encountered the leaves, the swishing and crunching noise seem loud and out of place on this otherwise quiet night.

Jeff had reached his destination.Large tan stones anchored roughly together with concrete, the lookout.Jeff began to navigate the steps leading up to the top.The steps were not exactly ergonomic, with the individual steps height being left up to the size of the rocks the makers had found to use.Jeff reached the crude view area at the top and rested his hands on the narrow rock wall that served as a guard rail.

Even at night the view was impressive.Jeff knew that he could see several counties from this height.In people other than Jeff this view might inspire powerful feelings, feelings of joy and wonder and awe. For Jeff however, the view could only muster some feelings of doubt, but not enough doubt to stop him.Jeff patted his back pocket, feeling one last time for the note he had written.

He awkwardly stepped up on the rock wall and lifted up his other knee over the top.Carefully, arms out, Jeff got to his feet at the top of the thin rock wall.Looking down, Jeff saw the shear face of rock drop off below him.When he had come here before during daylight hours, Jeff had estimated at least an eighty foot drop on to a rock floor.Now in the darkness, the drop seemed even more imposing. Jeff had chosen this location carefully.He was not now afraid of death anymore, but he was afraid of pain, especially feeling pain for a long time, suffering.Falling from this height seemed very quick and final.

Jeff had wondered what this last moment would feel like.Would he cry? Would he feel empowered with all his burdens finally lifted? Would he find a final moment of clarity with a profound revelation?Jeff hadn’t expected this.He felt nothing, and then he felt disappointment, and then he felt the cross between frustration and nothingness that had brought him to this point in the first place.Jeff looked down and mentally plotted his jump, looking to avoid tree branches.

“Hey buddy.” Jeff was so startled he lost his balance for a moment.“Be careful up there. That’s a long way down.”Arms out wide, Jeff turned his neck and twisted his back to see behind him. He saw a small figure in a hooded sweatshirt and jean jacket, a young woman.Jeff’s mind reeled and he felt a need to explain himself, but he was at a lost to explain his current position without sharing his true intentions. He thought he should just jump, but then the social and very anti-social parts of his brain fought it out for control, and it left him paralyzed.

“I’m..I’m not” Jeff stammered.

“Just get down now.” the woman said. Jeff lost his nerve, the moment had passed. He found himself bending his knees and bringing his hands down to the stone wall.He jumped back with both feet and planting himself on the main platform.As he turned to face the woman, Jeff felt like he had been caught doing something very bad. The women surprised him again; she had advanced since she first spoke and was nearly face to face with Jeff as he turned fully around.

“I wasn’t really going to do it.” Jeff lied. He noticed this woman was pretty, with short brown hair poking out underneath her hood. She had some facial piercings.

“Is that your car back there?” she said turning her head, indicating the path behind her leading back to the parking lot.Jeff nodded. “My car broke down,” she said.

“Do you need a jump, I don’t have cables, wait maybe I do, I can look and see, but I don’t remember seeing them” Jeff rambled.

“I could use a ride, I live kind of far away from here,” she said.Jeff was trying to fathom a way out of this situation but he felt powerless and empty. He was following the path of least resistance.

“I can give you a ride if you want,” he said. The woman smiled at him and turned around and started down the path to the parking lot, and Jeff followed.Jeff felt detached from the situation; it was not a new sensation for him.

As Jeff followed the woman off the path and into the parking lot, it occurred to Jeff that her behavior was strange.It was after midnight and she was willing to get into a car with a strange man.Jeff understood that he was not exactly a physically imposing person, but it would take a bold person to take this risk.

The women rounded to the passenger door of the Omni and waited.“I think it’s unlocked,” Jeff offered.He opened his car door and sat down, feeling his note in his back pocket.

“What’s your name?” the women said smiling, standing with the car door open and ducking a little to look in at Jeff.

“Jeff Allen” he said.

“Hi Jeff, I’m Olivia,” she said sitting down in the car.Jeff patted his pockets and looking for his keys for his keys. “Your keys are in the ignition, Jeff.” Jeff looked at Olivia embarrassed, and she looked back at him with eyebrows slightly raised.Jeff realized Olivia had said nothing yet at all about how she found him. Jeff broke eye contact and turned they key, the starter barked a few times and then the engine started up.

Pulling out of the parking lot, Jeff asked, “Where do you live?”

“Closer to downtown, I’ll tell you where to turn.”Olivia said.Jeff looked at her; she was giving him a peculiar look.Her body was turned toward him.Jeff felt his familiar awkwardness.Where other young men might look at this situation as an opportunity, Jeff given up on such ideas.His lack of self confidence and awkwardness made flirting out of the question. Jeff could see that Olivia was still staring at him in his peripheral vision.

Embarrassment burned at him and Jeff forced himself to look at her again.Olivia’s look was intense.She was holding a hand gun in her right hand pointed so Jeff could look down the barrel. It was the type of pistol with a round notched cylinder in the middle to hold bullets, what Jeff thought of as a cowboy gun.

“Give me your wallet,” she said harshly.Jeff was in shock. He looked at her and she looked older now, harder.The Omni slowed as Jeff let his foot of the gas.“Keep fucking driving!” Olivia shouted. Jeff had the sensation that he was watching events from the outside, he wasn’t exactly afraid; he felt more of a sensation of dread. Foot back on the gas, Jeff fumbled for his wallet.The Omni was a clutch, and the car nearly stalled out as Jeff was forced to hesitate on changing gears before he finally fished out his wallet.

Jeff felt Olivia pull the wallet from his hand.She flipped her wrist to unfold the wallet and used her thumb to open it and peer inside. “What the hell?” she said.

Jeff knew the wallet was completely empty except for his driver’s license. He had emptied it at home and thrown away all his other cards and IDs, one of his many little steps on his way out tonight. “You have no money? We are stopping at an ATM machine,” Olivia continued to search the wallet with one hand while keeping the gun pointed at Jeff. “Where is your ATM card?”

“I don’t have my card,” Jeff said.

“I don’t have my card” she mocked. “I will shoot you in your face, you dumb fuck! Where is your card?”

“I left it.. I threw it in the trash,” Jeff mumbled. When Jeff turned his head to look at Olivia again her face was contorted into a scowl, she extended her right arm to bring the gun closer to him.Jeff’s mind flashed the thought that she was going to fire.Jeff’s body involuntarily moved away from the gun towards the driver’s side door and he felt raw fear. Jeff had heard the bullets feel searing hot as they rip through a person’s body.

The car had come to a stop. “Keep driving!” Olivia shouted again. Jeff’s heart was pounding and his mind was racing.“We are going for a ride,” Olivia said sourly.

Olivia began issuing instructions, rights and lefts at different intersections.The trip gave Jeff time to think, the kind of thinking in the moment that a racing pulse creates.The ridiculousness of the situation was not lost on him.He had left his home tonight with death on his mind, but he was stopped.Now he might die anyway and he was afraid, and it was more than the just the fear pain from the bullets.It was one thing for Jeff to give something away and another to have something stolen from him. Jeff noticed they were heading closer to downtown.Olivia popped open his dash and rummaged through the inside.

Jeff began to think of his options.He could try to grab for the gun before she had a chance to fire, he could slam on the breaks or crash the car into something solid and make a run for it, or he could hope that Olivia didn’t plan on killing him and remain passive. Being honest with himself, Jeff realized the last option would be his best chance.

“Pull into this parking lot,” Olivia said.Jeff knew where he was. They were in the parking lot of a bowling alley and dollar store.There were a line of tall trees in the back of the parking lot that masked an apartment complex. “Pull in to the back and park.”

Jeff brought the car to a stop and looked over at Olivia.“You’re not going to shoot me are you?” Jeff said.Olivia stared him and Jeff’s heart raced again from the look she was giving him.

“You are lying about the ATM card,” she said darkly.

“No I’m not, I swear to God.Here look I will empty my pockets.” Jeff yanked his front pockets inside out.He scooted in his seat and pulled out his back pockets taking out his letter.Olivia took the letter from him and let it unfold.The letter was short and to the point and there was no mistaking its purpose.

“You want to die,” Olivia said with a little grin.It did not take much imagination to picture the wheels turning in her head.Jeff wondered if anyone had ever been murdered before with a hand written suicide note on them, he was a killer’s dream come true. This was just too pathetic; Jeff had never felt so desperate before.

“I don’t want to die! Oh God! Please I don’t want to die! Take my car! I never saw you!” Jeff blubbered with tears seeping from his eyes.

“I don’t want this piece of shit.” Olivia sneered and she actually laughed at him.She opened the door and stepped out, keeping the gun trained on him.She stepped out. “You never saw me.”

“I never saw you.” Jeff repeated.Olivia closed the door and took a step away.Jeff put the car into reverse and backed the car away.Olivia just stood there staring at him.As Jeff wheeled the car around he could imagine the gun still pointed at his head and his heart raced again.

Tears were streaming down Jeff’s face as he pulled out of the parking lot. He could not remember the last time he had cried.There is a common misconception about depression.People think depression is sadness like the kind of sadness someone feels at the loss of a loved one.Depression can be more of a lack of emotion, emptiness. Heading for home, Jeff felt no lack of emotion now.He felt like he had thrown open the flood gates with a great release.It felt good.

© Copyright 2018 Thomas Johnson. All rights reserved.

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