Long Embraces Make Friends

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
If only my friend had clarified what she meant by 'long embraces make friends' I perhaps wouldn't of made a fool out of myself at the party!

Submitted: March 30, 2014

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Submitted: March 30, 2014



There is an unwritten rule as to the length of an embrace, hold on too long and it gets awkward, don’t hold on long enough and feelings can be hurt. I learnt the awkwardness of this at a party I recently went to.

It needs to be clarified here that I was forced to go this outrageous teenage party filed with alcoholic beverages and illegal drug use. I was tricked into going, like my dad tricks our dog into getting locked in the pool area, by my neighbour. I was her decoy to go, oh, how flattering. Anyway there we were, her dressed in what appeared to be an amber coloured towel (although I was informed it was “all the rage” and not a towel but a dress) and me, in my pleated skirt and button up collared shirt. As we entered the street of the party I thought I could hear a heart monitor and realised, oh sweet Jesus, I was dead. Till it was determined it was just loud music from the party we were nearing. By using IPhone technology I was able to discover the band was “Skrillex”, though all I heard was “BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BADA BADA BADA BAWHOOP!” please, my steroid injected pet ferret could make those sounds, although he is living proof of an experiment gone wrong, poor Wesley..

Finally entering the event I realised that I was going to stand out like a diseased liver on a medical tray beside a pile tumours. To be frank, I wasn’t going to fit in. People could tell as soon as I entered that I was nothing like them, namely I wasn’t intoxicated, high or singing karaoke. Although it they have the Doctor Who theme song I will happily lead the group. My neighbour was anxiously starring around for a “jock” to flirt with. Once I googled what a normal teenagers definition of “jock” was, I realised she wasn’t on the lookout for a pair of comfortable, beige coloured under garments. She was after a boy who kicks the football around. She turned me to me with a grin and pointed to a boy with more muscles then the hulk and ran after him leaving me only one piece of advice, “long embraces make friends”. I didn’t have time to question her as to where she got her information or how she came up with that hypothesis but I decided it could hurt, so I began to make friends, by making eye contact and engaging in long embraces.

I should’ve spent the little bit of extra time researching as to what I was to do, because I think I started off the wrong way. As it would appear, running up to people and throwing myself on them only got me disturbed looks and words you can’t say at church thrown in my direction. It was around this time I think I should’ve questioned what my neighbour said when she told me that “long embraces make friends”. I didn’t think she was the type to lie to me so I continued my quest for friendship, like Captain Cook continued his quest for land. I saw a rather dashing young gentleman “Crumping” on the other side of the brightly coloured and noisy room and decided to restart my long embrace technique. I “sauntered” up to this young man (and I swear if he was peacock his tail feathers would of fluffed up) and started with a smile.

I won’t bore you with the details, but it ended, well, not too good. After I causally grinned at him, he turned and awkwardly looked around, as though he was looking for someone else to converse with. I suppose I really went wrong with this fine peacock when instead of starting a conversation I threw my arms around his neck and pulled us together like gravity pulls humans down to earth.  That was a big blunder. He screamed and shouted and throw his alcoholic beverage all over me! My initial thought was “NO!!! It’ll stain my new sun resistant glasses!” then my thoughts went to, I hope I’m home in time for Doctor Who.

The rest of the night was horrible. I spent in the bathroom on my IPhone examining ways to remove the stench of ethyl alcohol from my clothes. Not because I was worried about what my parents would think, because I was worried about what my cat would think! I promised him I would never associate with teenage drinkers. My parents would be absolutely delighted to see me experience the up’s and down’s of a normal teenage life. At this point, while I was scrubbing the shower because the amount of mould could give someone Oral Candida or Mucus Membranes, my neighbour came in slightly drunk and slightly undressed.

We discussed why I was in the bathroom and not in the arms of every other chap downstairs, when we discovered the problem to my neighbours long embrace hypothesis. Due to the loud music, people “singing”, walls shaking and police sirens closing in, it became apparent that our signals were crossed when I thought she said “long embraces make friends”. What she actually said was “Go chat, make friends”. If this wasn’t terribly confused I may have made friends instead of losing more then I actually had to start with.

It goes to show that intellectually astounding people, like myself, should stay away from places they don’t belong, like parties, detention, and prison. I can’t say I benefitted from my horrible experience, however I’ll discuss it with my counsellor next week, she helps me clear my head and reminds me to constantly remind myself not to use large words around others. 

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