I should be packing...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

I'm upset and this is how I'm feeling.

I should be packing my bags right now. Chicago tomorrow and I'm not even half way ready. Hungover as fuck, sick as a dog, I really can't seem to muster up the energy to get my shit together for tomorrow. But why tell anyone that I'm hungover? 1) If my mom found out, she would kill me. 2) Nobody gives a shit about anybody. 3) Anyone I would tell would just say, \"Well that's what you get.\" I just finished watching Seven Pounds. It was purely an amazingly sad and tear-jerking movie. One of those movies that really makes you think about life after you watch it. I found out this weekend I'm very transparent. Maybe it's because I'm tired of being invisible. Everyone thinks i'm in love with my ex. True he was my first and I will always have feelings for him. But anytime i'm around him, it's made apparent to everybody that I like him. It's so fucking frustrating! We get along great, like brother and sister, but I can't act any other way that I do. I feel comfortable the way I act. I'm not humping his leg or intensely flirting. I'm simply acting the way I always do when i'm around him. 5 different people told me that I still like him and that he's my \"boyfriend\". Thanks guys. That makes me feel really good. I'm pretty much a hopeless romantic at this point. I haven't had a boyfriend in 5 years. I'm fat and unattractive. My personality has great potential but personality doesn't size up to a skinny waist, big boobs, and nice ass. Guess i'm fucked. I sit around and think about my reason for being put on this earth. I know that I would love to help people in some way shape or form. But my people skills are shit and my support and time are short. There are days when I feel like such a piece of shit. I scream and ask, \"god, wtf are you doing to me? please tell me you have a plan for me! that all this pain and hurt is going to amount to something so amazing in the future. THat in some time, I will get mine. But i'm still waiting. Still sitting here on the edge of my bed, tears running down my face, just sitting here, typing away. I have so much great potential, so much understanding and unbiased judgements and yet no one understands me. I come from a family of non-educated german mixes. I am one of few to go to college. I have a selective support system. I never hear the things I need to hear. I want to be a dentist. In this current state and time, that goal is probably not going to ever be achieved. I'm rocking a 3.3 gpa when i need a 3.7. I know i have 3 more years to bring that up, but to see your hard work not bring you anywhere is truly devastating. So i figure, i'll do my 4 years, and depending on how well i do, i might just go to hygiene school. and if i'm really fucked... i'll be a dental assistant. I don't ask for much and yet i ask for everything. i want happiness in the form of love and affection. I want to know my future. That i'm going on the right path. That there is a love waiting for me. That my college education is going towards something great and meaningful. That I will have a purpose for being placed on this earth.


Submitted: January 02, 2010

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