The line of cocaine on the glass table glared up at me. All of Eric’s friends were egging him on, do it, just do it already. Pretty soon I was chanting along with them, more wanting to see it over
with then see Eric actually do it. He put his nostril against the table, and plugged the other one with his thumb. He started too inhale, he snorted half the line before he started choking and
gagging. I gritted my teeth together as he fell back into the brown lazy boy; it was like he was dead. I could see the universe in his blank eyes, there was no expression on his face, his mouth
hanging open. The white powder was easily seen around his left nostril… it looked delicious. Drool started to collect on his bottom lip, then overflow and stain his red Hollister polo. Some friend
of this one kid that had invited Eric finished up the line and started making another, that’s when Eric started to tremor. His eyes rolled back into his head and violent seizures flipped him out of
the leather recliner and onto the floor. He twitched, and sweat started to bead his forehead, the whites of his eyes flashing. Horrible moans were being choked out of him, and all of these drug
addicts just continued smoking their dope, and snorting their lines. I did the same, too blazed to even see straight.
When I woke up I was in a hospital. I didn’t remember how I got there, but I knew that I was there for some reason. The walls were cream white, with strange paintings of evergreen forests and other
unimportant landscapes. There were flowers on every counter, and the fluorescent lights faded their rosy and violet lips. Everything I looked at seemed very foggy, very distant, and all of the
sounds inside of the hospital seemed to blur together into white noise. It was like being trapped inside of a channel that couldn’t come in clearly. I realized I wasn’t even sitting in a chair; I
was leaning up against a wall with a jacket thrown over me like some kind of makeshift blanket. I brought my knees up to my chest, my stomach hurt. I brought my hand up to rub my eyes and they
stung; looking at my hands I saw the cuts and bruises all over them… What the hell happened to me? I swept my dirty blonde hair out of my green eyes, and turned my head up to look around me one
more time. There were doctors and nurses and civilians all over the place but they didn’t see me. That was reassuring; I probably looked like I felt…
I slowly rolled up onto my hands and knees. Staring at the floor for awhile as all my muscles stretched and ached, and joints popped. How long had I been slumped against this random hallway wall? I
guess it didn’t matter. I used the ledge of a window above me for leverage. It was pointless though, my arms were so weak they shook and it was mostly my legs that got me onto my feet. When I was
on my feet, I realized I really didn’t want to be there in the first place. My head started pounding as the harsh morning light struck my pupils and made them dance in-between large and small.
Finally, they settled and I turned to my right to see a door. I hobbled over to it, there must be some significance to me sleeping in this hospital, and maybe it was lurking behind this door.
As I touched the cool metal handle terrible feelings flooded into me. I grabbed my stomach and bent over, forcing my stomach back into my tummy. I couldn’t throw up in some random hall. I let out a
groan and stood back up, what had happened to me?
I went for the door again. This time my stomach stayed where it was supposed to be, and I dismissed any sort of ill feelings. Obviously it couldn’t be too bad could it? Then again, I was in the
emergency room, and I had no memories of how I got there. I couldn’t even recall my name unless I really thought about it… It wasn’t coming to me so I gently turned the handle and pushed the heavy
door open. A blast of warm air dried my eyes, so I blinked. The room was much brighter then the hallway for some odd reason. No one was in here, except there was a person in the bed. Their features
were familiar, their brown hair, their strong chin… they all made my heart stir. The person, whom I felt so comfortable around wasn’t breathing. In fact, there wasn’t any sort of an IV hooked up to
them at all. Their was no life beating inside of their chest. I walked to the end of the bed. I felt so empty, but so full, but so confused and so lost… I looked down at the clipboard and picked it
up very carefully. My hands seemed to belong to another body as I stared at them. Then I looked down on the clipboard in my hands, flipping through papers and trying to remember how to read. I
looked at the top paper again, staring for a long time at the scribbles. Trying to decipher English as well as a nurse’s sloppy cursive was giving me quite the headache. My mouth formed the words:
“Eric K. Reynard.”
My stomach forced itself up into my mouth; I dropped the clipboard to the ground. It clattered but the sound was masked by me heaving my guts onto the polished, shiny tiled floor. I groaned,
putting my hand on the edge of the bed for support. Piles and piles of yellow expelled from my throat. Eric. Eric. Eric. It’s all I could think, he’s all I could think of. Everything seemed to
flood right back into me. Every emotion I had ever felt overpowered me, tears stung my red cheeks, as I collapsed onto my knees. I let out haggard sobs, my hands covered in sticky goo, as I used my
sleeves to wipe my mouth and face. My chest heaved, as I gasped for air. I lurched up onto unsteady legs and slipped through the large puddle of bodily fluid and fell to my knees beside the bed.
Grabbing for Eric’s cold hands, resting neatly at his sides, I rested my cheek on them. I tried to muffle my sobs into his chest; I tried to bring him back to life by sheer mental force. Why? Why?
I coughed and the tears came stronger, and the need to air came harder but I couldn’t control my breathing long enough.
We’d been dating for 3 months, and I could have sworn I would have loved him forever. My hair fell through my eyes as I stared at his face. His face that seemed so peaceful, so relaxed, as if he
was in a most calming dream… How I longed to see his eyes touch me again. They were a beautiful icy blue and they had the tendency of stealing my breath away from me. My sobs started to fade, and I
began to stand. I looked down at him, lying their, I could remember every detail of his body in my mind. He was a hockey player, captain, and he was also on the tennis team. He wanted to be a
swimmer but Hockey and Swimming would have overlapped. Eric was one of the nicest men I had ever had the chance to meet. Sure, we were only 17 but he had my heart… And now… It was over. Everything
I felt a lump grow in my throat as I held back more tears. I swallowed hard and then I leaned forward and kissed Eric’s cold, thin lips. I stroked his cheek and whispered softly,
Then I disappeared out the door, grabbing that jacket off the floor. It was Eric’s letterman’s jacket. All of these memories were flooding back into me. The first date. The first kiss. All of our
adventures and all of the things we dreamed about doing together. Like jumping out of an airplane, or him taking me on one of the largest roller coasters at the local amusement park. I didn’t think
either of them were going to happen since I was sort of a puss, but now I almost wished they could happen… cause that would mean he was still here. I hugged his jacket up to my face and wiped my
tears on the sleeve, and then I gently put it on. I hid inside of it, because I was so tiny, and it was so large. I walked out of that hospital and no one noticed me. It seemed like no one saw me,
because I never saw any of them. None of them mattered to me, as I walked through bustling crowds in those sterile halls. I ran into who didn’t move, and didn’t care if I made the goings difficult.
As I exited out those glass doors and into the world, the day so bright and sunny and mocking the world inside my head, I no longer wanted to exist. Everyone’s had those thoughts, but as I stared
at the busy highway across the hospital’s parking lot nothing looked more comforting. I slowly began to walk through the lines of cars. None of them mattered; they just created a mangled maze for
me to work through. I wanted to run but I couldn’t. I wanted to jump but I couldn’t. I just walked forward, staring into the onslaught of vehicles racing by at 70 miles per hour. Hoping the one
that hit me was a very large semi. I couldn’t control my feet as they brought me to the white barrier. I swung my right leg over, then my left. Sitting there for awhile, the howl of the cars
burning in my eardrums, I wasn’t thinking I was with Eric and I wanted to be with him forever. Then I stood up and started to walk forward…
I got clipped by a mirror, the world spun as I was flung forward and to the side. Rolling and then the barrier stopped my ragdoll of a body. I laid there for awhile, in the dirt and glass and
random chunks of rubber from vehicles that often collect at the side of freeways. My shoulder ached, my arm… I think it was broken or at least fractured. The car hadn’t even slowed down, and no one
saw me because I didn’t see any of them. I slowly got up, and climbed over the edge of the barrier. I lay in the parking lot for a long time, clutching my busted arm and not caring. I just enjoyed
the fire that seared in my forearm; I enjoyed the prospect of nearly dying and not caring… I enjoyed the deepest pits of this darkness, and when the pain became too much I closed my eyes and
dreamed of Eric holding me.
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