Just me.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

its nothing special... its just what i am confessing. you do not have to read it. it just contains how i see things in the world. you can think that it is just another of my useless peices of writing.

I've always liked the colour black. But also hated it. It was the same with the colour white… Red is an exception.

Black was warm and filled with something. Emotions, you could call it. Black is a warm color. It wasn't cold and unfeeling like a blank colour such as white. White was an 'empty' colour. Empty… emotionless. Emotions as beautiful as crystal but never tainted. Never moved…

But at the same time, black was such an evil color. You cannot stop doubt or hatred the colour of dark, deep, meaningful black seep through and contaminate, rather, consume a human’s mind. Humans are weak creatures that only grow strong after experiencing pain or realize how weak they are. They strive to become stronger or succumb to despair. If there was no ‘blackness’ in the world, humans wouldn’t be hurt and be probably emotionless with only ‘white’. But that’s where red steps in. Red the colour of love also the colour of anger, revenge and blood. A beautiful red rose. To me, my favorite color is red. There is no particular reason why I like it. Only love makes people hurt. When people start to hold things dear, when people start to arouse uncontrollable feelings for others or things, they never ever avoid getting hurt. Death of a precious thing causes revenge. Hate. The color of black. Not being accepted causes sadness. Love causes the risk of darkness. I hate love. But I like the colour red. Strange, huh? I value it more than other useless colors. The meaningless colors in life.

White was the color of brilliant glory that was only made sacrificing something. It is the same as ‘To gain peace, you must sacrifice’. I… sacrificed my feelings of love a long time ago. This way, I do not love nor hate anyone. This way I won’t be hurt anymore… Every time I sense adoration for somebody I must erase it without a second thought. I won’t be hurt anymore. I’m not strong. I’ve being hurt and now I’m sulking in my own little world of how I perceive things. I didn’t stand up. I was abandoned and always alone in my own personal dark pit. People can’t love…They will get hurt. However, I have a friend. She ‘loves’ a boy. It’s a stupid mingling crush. I don’t know why I help her. I don’t know why I’m not helping her not to be hurt and stop her love proceed. I really am weak. I’m useless. The world would still be the same if I wasn’t here. Probably better. After all, it is my existence that pains my family and caused them to hate each other. It is my entire fault. Every sad thing with my family is all my fault. All mine. As I said before, love only creates pain. Love… such a bother.

I believe I have two different selves inside of me. One that loves the color black and loathes white. Another that loathes white and loves black. Both love red. Love nor hate is not for humans. With these two selves I will continue to judge the world in both of my perspectives with no right, with no reason, with no goal and with no meaning. I am always indecisive, thinking whether I should choose this option to hurt me or those uncaring hateful humans. Of course there are kind beings there as well. I shouldn’t hurt them. Because those kind beings are either never encountered pain or defeated pain and knows it or are just hiding under a mask that most do. Humans are untrustable because they have emotions and they too have indecisive selves. I, too believe that I am not worthy of trust but I will protect the real friends that I have finally become to like. I know that liking is a bad thing too. But I hold them dear. I know, I had said before that I won’t love and hold something precious. But, I remind you that I have two sides and they vary on the situations. The other side will probably not give a second thought and watch those friends die. It will betray them. Hopefully, this side is winning over. But there is no guarantee that I will not be hurt. I think that I will be fine if my friends aren’t hurt and I am hurt. Sadly, this thought only rarely works and I am always hurt whether I help a friend or am alone. This bond will always hurt me and I will always be tormented. Its almost like a curse. I can never get free of it. It doesn’t compare to my sin of being born and ruining my family. I guess I am finally repenting though I do not want to get hurt. I know I must to make up for being the pain of my family.

Perhaps this is why I never hate or love or get angry at humans. I do not love my family or friends. Nor do I hate them. I don’t want to. Friends point out that I never get angry at anything they do. I’ve got no right to exist so I shouldn’t be a nuisance to others when I am already a curse to my family. It’s sad; I am only filled with sadness. But when I was little, I was once angry at everybody. I once cried. I once said my true feelings. Everybody rejected them. I confessed to a boy and he laughed at it with his friends. My mother was disgusted and it annoyed her when she saw my tears. Rather, she hated it I was angry at my family. I was angry at brother for punching and hurting me. I developed a deep lethal hate for my family and I hated it when I couldn’t fight back. I always got hurt. The hate dulled and weakened over time as they showed me there was nothing I could do. Nothing. Then I realized I was a pain in their life. How better it could be if I wasn’t alive. How I was like a curse. The hate disappeared. Even if it is negative, i will confess nothing but the truth.

I don’t know why but when I am writing this right now, I am filled with an immense sadness and a feeling of … regret? I do not know and I do not care to find out. Right now at school, people believe that I am an optimistic smiling girl. I am not going to change that. They do not need to know. You shouldn’t have read this. I am just posting my true feelings up and I am not expecting acceptance. It is alright if you also laugh at my tiny existence and be disgusted. Nobody said you couldn’t and everybody doesn’t really care. I should not care.


Submitted: June 30, 2011

© Copyright 2020 Tigerelf2134. All rights reserved.

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