Proficiency and Passion are not always a binary result....

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
A Moment in the mind,memory and thoughts of a worn out warrior

Submitted: December 31, 2012

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Submitted: December 31, 2012



I am a man at constant conflict with his being. I have obtained levels of proficiency at things I do not consider commensurate with whom I truly am. 

Being proficient at violence, does not mean that I am passionate about experiencing it. 

One person’s opinion that I am a violent being could be excused as a person who has not taken the time to know me. 

Being proficient at being alone, does not mean that I am passionate about experiencing it. 

The hours, day, weeks I spend utterly alone cause me great pain deep in my soul, but I over come it. 

What would have occurred had I not experienced true love? Would I still be marauding the world and be that vile, aggressive being who preferred violence and solitude to peace and companionship? 

It seems I am not equipped properly to have a normal relationship, but it is all I crave. To make someone happy, so that they feel as if living without me would be very unfulfilling. 

What I desire is to be comforted and told I am needed, everyday. What I desire is to be told my needs are possible, not be told that I am “needy” because I need to be reassured. Reassurance to me is an unprompted I Love you, an unprompted post it note, an unprompted romantic gesture of simplistic effort. 

I need to feel the touch of a companion everyday. I want it every second, but need it at least daily. 

I want my willingness to sacrifice my needs to be motivation for a companion to sacrifice for me. 

I want my reliability, accountability and comfort I give by making that companion feel safe and loved and like the only woman in the room to be a foundational reason why I can be loved. 

I want my companion to hear my cries and save me without me having to ask or beg, because maybe my pride and my feeling weak for needing it prevents me from asking sometimes. When I do ask, I do not want to be treated like a burden, or told yes, then forgotten later. 

I want my companion to notice when I am gone, to know me enough to reach for me and beckon me home again….knowing I have been out here a long time, a very long time, and could easily slip away into the darkness and never return. 

For my companion, I would lay down my life, drag my broken body across foreign borders to comfort them, do anything I could to prove to them that I love them completely, out loud, and without reserve. 

So, does my needing physical contact daily, reassurance daily and a wanting a willingness to say “I’m sorry” make me too needy? 

Does my loyalty make me the joke of a lifetime? 

If I tell you, you hurt my feelings, can THAT be the important thing for just a minute, even if you disagree that you did anything wrong? 

Or am I just a moron with no idea how a relationship should work…. 

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