Aurora: Memoirs of a Vampire

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Being a vampire is mainly an unfortunate state of living. Is a love between human and vampire unfortunate?

Submitted: April 01, 2008

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Submitted: April 01, 2008

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Aurora

Memoirs of a Vampire

I have never been so lonesome in my life. I am Aurora, a vampire. Perhaps you know by now what vampires are and I no longer have to tell you. However, there are a few myths about vampires and I want to correct that. Vampires do not hate human kind by sucking their blood out of spite. It is like a heart beat; you cannot stop it by sheer will. I can say that almost half of us do not feel good in doing so; only those who are feral in nature get the thrill in killing fellow humans. I say fellow because what are truly but humans who had developed a kind of disease-like condition that is irreversible. It is but a condition that prohibits us from interacting well with other humans and limits our freedom.
Vampires neither transform into bats nor are we ‘undead’. We are merely a devolution, or evolution if you prefer, of the species. It is ridiculous how people tend to let their imagination roam. Transformation is completely impossible for we are based on humans after all. And calling us undead when clearly we are alive, maybe not in the normal sense of living, but alive nonetheless. Those heightened senses are true as well, however, it is easily comparable with the senses of wild animals; it is for survival purposes.

Although we have this, it is not infallible, for it is meant only for increasing alertness as well as escaping unsalvageable situations. For example, if I was to attack a couple during midnight in some dark alleyway and one manages to flee and get help, then I will have no choice but to leave without either one and of course protect my identity by not revealing my face the whole time. I have never done anything like that though; I never risked my life enough to attack two persons at the same time. I don’t think I could accomplish that scenario successfully. Also, never would I jeopardize myself as well as other vampires by revealing myself. Why would I want to protect other vampires, you ask? Simple. I want them to survive, not as human killers but as individuals who have nothing else in this world but themselves. We vampires are the devolved human race--as I mentioned before--relying on killer instincts to survive. If I surrendered myself as a vampire, then surely you know what will happen in this world; humans will try to extinguish the vampires, out of fear or for any other reasons. It is already too late to try and convince humans that vampires are nothing more than a lion or a tiger that kills for its own survival. Anything that threatens the human race as they know it will be considered as an enemy. At least that is what I found out over the years.
There is one more thing you should know; vampires do not have a sense of touch. This is a trait that I personally find most annoying. When I touch something, it feels the same as anything else. Think of an extremely thick leather glove surrounding your whole body. If I touch a knife’s point or the surface of a stone, warm or cold, it doesn’t matter, all I feel is that thick leather glove surrounding me that is the vampire’s skin. Being devoid of touch is a punishment, I think, for living and being the way we are. But it cannot be helped I guess, for we are what we are.
Vampires tend to learn how to hunt with shrewdness and in stealth, since that way no one can differentiate a vampire’s crimes from a regular human’s crimes. We are almost always sure to hide the body as far away from the victim’s original location as possible. However, it is truly quite tiring to have to think so hard in order to avoid discovery.

I am a vampire close to being three hundred years old. You can guess how many lives I’ve stolen with this body, but I shall not tell you; it is humiliating enough being known as a vampire. Although I do not look shriveled like a dying corpse, my body deteriorates, albeit slowly. Right now, if you saw my face, you would think me no older than thirty eight, but I waste away nonetheless.
I was forced into this kind of life when I was but eighteen years of age. The man who stalked me when I walked home from school was no other than the vampire who brought me to this side of life. He was quite young-looking then, perhaps twenty four or so, and it is true that vampires tend to bloom prettily as he was indeed exquisitely handsome. He was intriguing, following me so close but never attempting to run or attack me when I turn to look at him. He would smile but it was not exactly a friendly smile. For some reason, he was not frightening. Night after night, he would follow me home and just walk away after I reach my house. He never uttered a word even though I kept asking him questions.
I developed a liking for him and one night I decided to make him talk. Back then, I knew what vampires could do to humans but I was young and foolish so I did not really care. One night, as he followed me casually down the road, I stopped and sat down on the side of the road. I watched what he would do and he just stared at me for the longest time. Then finally he sat down as well. Underneath the crescent moon, we sat face to face. After a deep breath, I asked him who he was. He smiled at me, as if acknowledging my effort. Gray, he simply said. His name was Gray.
Gray the Vampire; I remember thinking, what a cool name for a vampire. I then asked why he kept following me home. His smile was the same, unfriendly and aloof. I waited for him to answer but it seemed like he was waiting for me to talk. I asked him one more time, and I remember saying that if he did not answer me then I would go home and never talk to him anymore. That had seemed to surprise him, as his expression changed slightly. However, I regret ever asking him that question. For as good-looking as he might have seemed, I had not known his true personality and that was an incredibly bad mistake on my part.
‘I want you to be with me.’ That one sentence was possibly the scariest sentence that I have ever heard in my entire lifetime, for even I figured that one out easily. The way that Gray had uttered that sentence convinced me that he did not intend to walk away from me that night. Before I could take a breath, he had charged towards me and bit me. It had all happened so fast and I remember crying from the pain. I cursed myself for being so stupid, talking to a vampire at night without anyone else around. I started believing then that all vampires really were nothing but monsters. But I was wrong. It was just happened that Gray was one of those cruel-natured people in the world.
The pain was so excruciating that I thought I was going to die. But before I lost consciousness, I saw Gray pick me up from the ground. I woke somewhere cold and dark. I could barely see him but Gray was right there watching over me. Good you’re awake, he had said. I think I tried to kill him then because I remember feeling so angry that it seemed like I would burst if I kept my anger inside me. But somehow I was awfully weak and before I could even stand I was struck with nausea so strong that I fell back down on the ground without touching him. He left me alone like that, telling me that I should calm down for a few days.
In those few days I suffered inside my mind. I drove myself half insane from thinking about the rest of my life. I wanted to kill myself but there had been nothing inside that prison to help me do so. I cried, thinking everyone I loved would hate me if they ever saw me that way. I hated myself, I hated Gray , but it was useless.
I was mostly unconscious during those inestimable days and I was getting weary from lack of food or water. When I had thought I had reached my limit, I surrendered myself to death, if that had been possible. Then Gray came carrying a lifeless body. He dumped the dead body of a girl in front of me. I could not remember exactly how I managed to drain the girl’s body but I was trying hard to ignore the arousing smell of metallic blood. And yet in the end, those instincts overtook me, and I tasted my first meal as a vampire. I will tell you right now, human blood tastes and smells almost like wine to me. That first drink can be compared to a feast for the hungry. I was unconsciously wanting for more even though in my mind I was convincing myself to refuse. Don’t hold yourself back, Gray had said. He even laughed a little.
He left me once more and I could not stop myself. I must have sucked out every drop of blood from that girl. It was humiliating, yet the blood tasted so thick and rich on my tongue. After I finished, I crawled to a corner crying. Gray came back like he said he would and sat down beside me. Let me see your face, he had said. He smiled as he said, you look even prettier now. That made me cry even worse. To me hearing him say those words was just another confirmation of my current state. He made a comment about not having a mirror so I could see myself then he laughed as if it was a joke. I don’t want to lose you just yet, he had said.
There is a reason why ray had said that. It is not true we vampires have no reflection. Humans must have thought of a reason why we avoid mirrors in their lack of understanding. We are simply humiliated by our form, which is why whenever we see a mirror, we avoid it at all costs. It is something none of us could dare to do. Seeing yourself as a vampire somehow has this effect on each and every vampire, a feeling of deep regret and humiliation. It overcomes you with such great power that you have this extreme urge to want to burn yourself. And if you managed to kill yourself, it was in suffering. That is what Gray had meant; he feared I might be able to kill myself if I saw my reflection at that state.
To this day, I have never looked at a mirror more than once ever since I became a vampire. I do not want to feel such weakening of my will to live even though I was a vampire. I treasure my life no matter how empty it may seem. That is why I ran away from Gray not long after I had my strength back. I did not want him to be a reminder of my mistake. However, for years he chased me around the globe. When he finally realized I did not want to be found, he stopped pursuing me. That is how I started living by myself, figuring out how to survive as a vampire.
But for a long time now, I have harbored this feeling of hope, this feeling that somehow I will once more live as a human in this world just like I was before my catastrophic mistake. When I turned two hundred, I was in the middle of touring the whole world. It was nothing fancy, mind you; it just occurred to me to make the best of my time rather than spend it sulking in some corner. That day, the eighteenth of April, I was in Japan. I had finished sightseeing from Europe and Africa and Russia and China. Of course, I was touring under the cover of the night.
Vampires are, after all, nocturnal creatures plus we can’t go out in daylight. Why is that, you ask? Well, there are a lot of reasons but the most important one is the burning factor. Vampires truly do get burned by sunlight. I tried to find a reason as to why that is so and yet all I can think of is it’s because we’ve sinned for being the way we are. But, those who are forced into this life are not to blame; those who forced them are. Still, when you think about it, how did they come about to become vampires but from the bite of another? And it only leaves the fact whether they wanted to become one or not.
So I was just strolling along the Pacific shoreline enjoying the night’s view when I saw this young man sitting by the sea side, apparently crying. At first, I almost thought I should have him for a meal, but I quickly suppressed the feeling; I felt guilty about killing people who were suffering enough as they were. I felt sorry for the young man. It was past midnight and I thought he must really be in pain to be grieving still at that hour. I risked my identity and walked up to him, asking him what was wrong. He looked up at me with red eyes and a wet face. Then he spoke in the foreign tongue. I barely understood him so I told him I did not speak Japanese. He sniffed and nodded in understanding before he spoke again. ‘My best friend just died.’
What should I have felt when he told me that? Sadness? Probably. Remorse? Maybe. However, I have seen plenty of deaths within my family in those two hundred years of living and I could not help but be distant towards his grief. I thought, quite selfishly too, who cares about your friend? My younger sister died at the age of eighty-six and there I was looking like a twenty year old woman. That was quite selfish of me, I know, but I could not help the bitterness inside of me. I sighed and forced myself to comfort him. I was quite unworried about him figuring out my true form; the darkness was such that the twinkling stars were no help at all and he barely looked up from his clenched fists as he sobbed in the night.
‘She died because she decided to become human; she was just like as you are now.’ That declaration took me off guard and god only knows how long I just sat there staring at him. I could not get around the fact that a vampire was able to turn back into human. Questions sprang from inside me. How? When? Who? Was it true? How many vampires knew this? How many attempted it? Was is always successful? He mentioned that the vampire was ‘his friend’; a vampire interacted with a human to be friends with them? Who else had dared such a dangerous relationship? Was it truly possible to have a human friend when one was a vampire? I remember staring at the young man as he stopped his tears.

He was about to tell me his story when I cried unaware that I was indeed crying until he saw my face and told me not to cry. It was not tears of sadness, however; it was one of happiness. I was happy for that girl who managed to achieve human form once more after becoming a vampire. I must have been crying so much since the young man started crying again telling me he was crying this time because I was crying as well. I stopped my tears and asked if he could tell me what exactly happened.
I shall tell you his story then. The young man’s name was Kazuki, and his friend, the vampire, was called Helena. Helena was older than me in age but she had been a vampire when she was merely six years of age. She ran away from home due to fear of being killed by the townsfolk and she ended up on the other side of the world. In Japan, she lived as the sole vampire and one night met Kazuki as he was jogging by the beach. Kazuki thought Helena was an insomniac just like himself and he started a conversation with her.

Helena, struck by his friendliness, developed a liking for Kazuki and she did not hesitate to tell him about herself. Kazuki said that he was surprised to hear that Helena was a vampire but not scared. He even asked if she was being accompanied by other vampires and if she was supposed to roam in the night all by herself. Helena laughed at his question and told him, vampires live alone. Isn’t that a bit sad, he asked. For a while Helena could not answer. But finally she nodded; yes, being a vampire is a sad way to live.
Kazuki then promised to be Helena’s friend from that day on. Every night for a year, they would meet at that beach where I met Kazuki, talking casually like friends do. When Helena fell in love with Kazuki, he was very happy for he felt the same way. Helena, of course, had a problem; she was a vampire and Kazuki was a human. She then made up her mind not to outlive Kazuki and left Japan for five years telling Kazuki beforehand that she would find a way for them to live together. And when he came back, she was crying but she was smiling nonetheless as she embraced Kazuki what she had found out. An old hermit of a vampire lived in what used to be the Aztec capital who knew of a way for vampires to become human again. It was simple. However, let me tell you that the few who had tried, tried that method but not for the same reasons. Others just wanted to see the sun for a change and some just felt brave enough to see if they would really die. All of them failed and ended up in a pile of ash. It was not so easy to go out towards the sun without that fear of knowing you are about to get killed. Every single vampire feared the sun. It was probably the closest thing to a god for us vampires. And yet that old vampire had said, just go out in broad daylight without fear in your mind, heart and soul and the light shall not be able to punish you. It was easier said than done.
Nevertheless, there was a catch. If one manages to turn back into a human, it will only last for a day. You would think that as cruel--to only allow a vampire a day of human life--but to us vampires, that is paradise enough. To be able to eat food again, to drink water, to roam in daylight and be a human even for just a day--that is the ultimate goal for most of us. No one vampire would throw away the chance of being human for a longer lifespan filled with nothing. And Helena was one of those vampires who took the chance, no matter what risks lie ahead, just to be able to live with her loved one even for only a day.
So the couple waited by the beach, holding each other’s hands, watching as the dawn approached them. Kazuki feared for Helena but not because of the transformation. He already knew, deep in his heart, that she would succeed. He feared for the end of the day when she would undoubtedly leave the world and leave him all alone in it. When she achieved human form as the sun’s rays touched her face and her body, they were both crying but for different reasons; Helena cried out of happiness, Kazuki cried out of sorrow. On that glorious day, the two of them spent time together eating at restaurants, shopping, and just exploring the city and talking to other people as much as they could. At first, Kazuki was dreading the moment the clock would toll at midnight, but he was distracted by the fact that Helena was enjoying every little thing they did; she even laughed at how her heart was beating so fast and how hot the sun felt on her skin. Kazuki felt such happiness with her that he soon forgot his worries. Then it came.
Helena was not at all bothered by it while Kazuki was half-stricken with grief. ‘Remember me in your heart, Kazuki. I love you and thank you for loving me as well,’ Helena has said to him before she kissed him and slept cradled in his arms, never to wake again. Kazuki cried and cried. When the clock struck past midnight, Helena’s body vanished into mist. Kazuki ran to the beach, in hopes of seeing her there one last time, but she was already gone.
I was struck by their story and to tell the truth, I was a little jealous. I wanted someone to love who would love me in return. After hearing their story, I swore to make myself human even if it lasts only for a day. Yet, here I was still a vampire. You see, I am a coward; I have always been one. I could not do it without motivation. I figured, if I was to become human again, I should at least have a decent reason to do so and not just do it in a whim. And just as if the heavens were listening, I met the love of my life.
I was already settled again in my birth country when one night as I was trying to find food in the forest famous for it’s camping site during the summer when all of a sudden he popped out of nowhere. I must have been a fool to not notice him sooner considering I am a vampire. But you see, I have a tendency to ‘space out’ as the people these days call it. And that night I was preoccupied with my loneliness a little too much. I was trying to think of a way to reduce the sadness I was feeling when all of a sudden I hear his voice.

‘Are you alright?’
It has been a long time since someone asked me that question. I was first and foremost shocked to have a human catch me completely out of surprise. At that moment, I vowed to myself that that was the fist and the last time a human will ever catch me off guard. Then I turned to face the man who spoke to me. He gave me a small smile but I could tell he was surprised by what he saw; I will not deny that it was my beauty as a result of being a vampire that had him looking like he just saw a goddess. Of course, I was a bit amused by his reaction and I decided to play with him for a while. I smiled back. ‘What could you possibly be doing here at a time like this?’ he asked. He was walking towards me in a slow nonchalant fashion as he talked. I answered him and said that I was out for a walk to clear my mind. He nodded as if he understood my situation. For a long while he was quiet and it worried me, but I could not understand why. I peered at his face and I almost thought somebody in his family just died when I saw his expression. Are you alright, I had asked him. ‘Hm? Yes, I’m fine.’ Are you sure, I asked him again. He smiled at me then; a real genuinely wonderful smile. ‘I don’t know why you seem so worried about me when it is you I’m worried about being in this place, he replied.
Do vampires blush, I wonder? For at that moment it felt like my skin was getting warm although that was impossible. For a split second it felt like I was human again, feeling so insecure around that man and imagining myself blushing. But it felt nice. In fact, it was so nice to feel that way that I almost cried then and there. I turned away from him to avoid seeing his face and yet even so I felt his eyes on my back. Then I heard him clear his throat. ‘If you don’t mind me asking, could I possibly know your name?’
My name; he wanted to know my name. Did that mean he would know me just by knowing my name? If so, then I wanted to know his name as well. For reasons I could not fathom, my mind was spinning tales inside my head where that man cared for me as long as he lived. At first I accepted those thoughts but I noticed that it was only him growing old and not me. Then when I saw him die in my mind, I could not bear it. I shook my head to remove the thoughts of his death.
Aurora, I said simply as I faced him once again. He had moved so that he sat on a big slab of rock opposite where I stood.’Would you like to sit down, Aurora?’ He patted the vacant space beside him. I nodded a tad too excitedly as I went over to his side.
I would like to know yours as well, I said after I sat down. He smiled at me again saying, I thought you wouldn’t ask. ‘My name’s Raine.’
What a beautiful name, I said. I had always wanted to name a son of mine Raine, but that was before I became a vampire. Being a vampire extinguished all my hopes of having my own family and I am strictly against bringing another person into this kind of hardship for the sake of my happiness. Instead I basked in the brief happiness of knowing his name. Raine, I had thought, is in the middle of the forest with me. I must have smiled unconsciously after that thought for he asked me what I was thinking that had made me smile so sweetly. I did not want to tell him, but I did.
For five fast years today we kept meeting each other as soon as the sun set. We would stroll down the beaches while we talked. We laughed, we cried, we loved each other and we continue to do so as of this day. He listens to me when I tell him about my childhood and I listen to him tell me about his day during his work as an editor of a popular magazine and his side job as a painter. Raine is an excellent painter. Once he painted me under a full moon and it was gorgeous. When I asked him if he would give it to me, he said he wanted to keep it for himself, the selfish man. You must be wondering if I told him about my self; I did. He knows what I am but that does not bother him at all. It made me cry to hear his words, ‘Things like that do not matter when it comes to love.’
However, he was wrong. It did matter. As long as time passed, it mattered to me. Day by day I notice him aging. Night after night I see myself doomed to a life without his presence. I cried whenever he left me just before midnight so he could have a bit of sleep. That was when I remembered Kazuki and Helena. How could I have forgotten all this time, you say? Well, the fact was that being with Raine already made me feel like I was human again. Those feelings stirring up inside me which I have never felt in those two hundred and seventy two years of my life, it was heaven to me.
Now I know what to do. It really is very simple. Ah, there was truly nothing for me to worry about all along. Silly me, worrying over a trifle of a matter. All I have to do is walk up towards the sun at dawn tomorrow. I shouldn’t have any fear of death at all because I truly do care for him and he for me. It should be monumental, but why do I feel like crying? I should already tell myself that a day will be more than enough to live if I could spend every minute of it with Raine. Then Raine and I shall go to the city in broad daylight, enjoying each other’s company just like any other couple.

And yet, I am afraid. I do not wish to leave him in this world. Not yet. This is the reason why I am sunk in this lonesome state. I have no wish to leave my precious love alone in this world, and yet I dearly wish to spend a whole day with just him. If I should make up my mind, it shall have to be soon, for even I would not be able to bear seeing him closer to death while I remain living like a marble statue. Thus I end this now; if you hear more after this, then I surely cowered and probably hid somewhere in the dark nooks of this world. If not, then, assume that I have successfully done what I have always wanted to do, and know that I when that time surely comes, I will forever sleep with a smile on my lips.



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