CRUSH OR LOVE? ..A confused fakenss
That was a beautiful evening. I along with three of my friends, Ananya, Amayra, Tiara were enjoying every bit of our night-out, actually it was the first one. We started that night out with some shopping in sector 17 and then further thought of having dinner in bistro. No one of us had been to this place so we kept going round over the same place in search of bistro. Finally we reached the place and sat there.
As the menu was placed in front of us, we didn't like a single dish. Generally the menu cards of all the restaurants are almost same but i don't know why we got up and headed towards peddlers. Had it been the usual days, we would have gone to the kfc/gopals/mcd.. But something was different that day. After 10 minutes, now together we were standing in front of the 'peddlers'. As we were about to enter, the guy on the entrance posted a stamp on our arms and slowly we entered the place which was going to change me, my life, my everything...
I was the first one amongst us to enter there and I asked for a table for four. The guy directed me towards the seat. I and Amayra were directly facing the DJ’s podium whereas Tiara and Ananya took the seat opposite to him. People out there were drinking and enjoying the sophisticated ambience of the place. We ordered a veg pizza and started with our usual chit-chat. Suddenly my attention got diverted towards the songs which were being played. Every track, every beat was forcing our feet to tap with the flow. I just looked up to the guy who was playing it so well and for the next 45 minutes i was constantly staring at him. It was a crush, a crush on his work, a crush on him, a crush on his smile, a crush on his every jump which he made in excitement. With a sweet memory we came out of the place and wandered around the sector. That whole night, everyone got irritated by my constant descriptions about him. These night outs were first night outs of my life... these five days were one of the best times i had in Chandigarh and a crush on a DJ was added to the list.
Night outs came to an end and we were back on our usual routine. After a month, one day, one of my friend Sagar told me how he had started talking with his crush on facebook and at that very moment, the only person who came in my mind was the unknown DJ. I also thought of searching him on facebook but I didn’t know anything about him other than the thing that he worked in the peddlers. I searched for peddlers’ official page and browsed through its posts. The first DJ name which i came by was DJ Ronit and i searched for him. I was totally amazed to see that he was the same guy, the guy who was my crush. I looked down his profile, found his number and left a message to him about how much i liked his work. That whole day i was dancing around telling my best buddies about how i had found him. When Tiara came to know about it, she asked me to give him a call. I hesitated at first but then gathered all my courage and dialled his number. I called twice and he didn’t pick up the call. I thought of not calling him again guessing that he might be busy in his work or the number might be wrong. After five minutes, Ananya asked me to try one last time and I did. I dialled his number and was holding the phone casually assuming that he won't be picking up the call. After a ring, I heard a male voice on the other side and I immediately dropped my phone. C'mon! I am also a human being and I do get nervous. Realizing he was on the call, I Picked up the phone and talked to him.
Me – hey is this Ronit?
Ronit- yes its DJ Ronit... who’s this? < Yes!! He didn't miss out the word ‘DJ’>
Me- well I want to tell you something. I had been at peddlers a month ago and I really liked your work. J Keep up the good work dear
He= thank you dear but May I know the name of the person I am talking to right now.
Me- oh yes, I am Nikita.
The conversation was short but took my heart away. It's the best feeling when you talk with your crush and he replies back even more sweetly.
That night I messaged him a good night text and slept. Next day, early in the morning I found a reply from his side. I had saved his number by the name “pyaar” and that text brought a big smile on my face. He had replied to my good night text. I have been in a habit of writing “gudninu” instead of good night and he did ask me what that meant. Well next three days, I kept messaging him a goodnight text and he kept on replying late at night. After three days we had a conversation on facebook. He asked about me, my family and he asked me if I was comfortable in continuing the chat via messages. Obviously I was. I asked him if he was committed or not?. He didn’t reply and that was very weird of him. Every one of us guessed the reason, some said he might be reserved, some said he might be busy and some said he might be GAY.
He texted me late at night and asked if I was awake or not. I was and I replied to him. After going through his facebook profile , remembering his performance, I had assumed that this person was very fun loving, loved his profession, enjoyed every bit of it, had the perfect life because he was in that profession which was his passion. But that night all my assumptions were changed.
Yes, he did love his profession but his life wasn’t perfect as I had thought. He was rather having a hectic life which only few strong people could follow without any mental breakdown.
That night he directly asked me what was that made me call him, and I frankly said to him that I was having a crush on him. To my amazement, he reacted very normally to that and asked me if it was just a crush or something more. I said yes it was just a crush. To that he said "thank God" because he didn’t want anyone to fall in love with him. At that point I felt something was wrong, I thought a bad maybe a bad past or something else but the main reason was that he wanted to completely concentrate on his career. He was having big ambitions and would do anything to be there where he always wanted to be. After the formal goodbye I couldn’t stop myself thinking about this guy who was a lot more different than any other person I had encountered. I was looking forward for another chat or a talk with him. I was curious to know him, what he thought, what he wanted, everything. The next day when all of my friends woke up, I told them about the chat .They were happy and quite surprised.
I understood that I had to be awake late at night to talk to this guy. Two days went by and there were no texts or calls from his side. I was sad and disappointed because by the last chat we had, he became a friend who promised me that he wouldn't ever leave me and he would always be there for me no matter what happened. Even I didn’t text him. After waiting for two days, he finally replied to my question about his relationship status. His message was “why you want to know??". I couldn’t understand it. Was the question that bad?? He called me up that night. He was drunk and tired. He told me how he couldn’t sleep even after coming back home because music kept on playing in his head. At that moment I realised how much difficult it could get. He had never been a good listener. He told me about his work, his lifestyle. And used to listen to him for two-three hours. I felt as if he always wanted to share what he felt and thought. It was like he never had that one person to be frank and open with. That was a sweet night and we started talking every night. Our conversations used to start by 2 AM, the time by which he used to get free and continued till he felt like sleeping. I didn't mind waking up the whole night. I just wanted him to have a peaceful sleep after he spoke his heart out. I didn't mind listening to him because I loved whatever he said. My daily routine changed. During these days I was having my mid-term exams. Since, I was not a good regular student so had to make up in these exams in order to get good internals. I used to study during the day and I talked to him during the night. Sleep became meaningless. Things were going crazy and so were my exams. I felt like we were two friends who were doing everything to know each other. I found a good friend in him. That night we decided to meet the very next day which was Sunday. Next morning, I kept on waiting for his call. I knew he wasn’t an early person but I didn't get any call and even I didn't call him. I felt bad, really bad. That night I realised that I have been talking to a drunk person daily, who, when used to wake up the next day , would forget most of the things that he said. He said he was sorry but that was again a drunken Ronit saying to me. I ignored it. He asked me to meet on next Wednesday and again the same thing happened. It was again a "drunken Ronit promise". On Wednesday when I didn't get any call from his side I decided to go on shopping with Ananya. Also, there was a vodka bottle in my room which I was supposed to dispose off before going home. As we entered sector 17, we decided to first dispose off the bottle and then do our shopping part. As I was about to throw the bottle in the dustbin I saw a jacket which was looking as if I had seen it somewhere. I looked more closely and found that it was Ronit standing with his back towards me. My instant reaction was “shit!! DJ “ and I started running in opposite direction to him. Ananya ran after me and asked me what happened. I told her it was Ronit there and she too was surprised. She asked me to calm down and asked me to call him. I took a long deep breath and called him and told him that I have seen him. He asked me to continue my shopping and he would join us little later. As i was standing with Ananya to pay our bills, Ananya slowly said to me that Ronit was coming towards me and i felt my heart reaching my throat. He came and met us. Ananya later on told me that the way we met, it didn't seem like our first meeting. She left both of us alone and we were standing at the backside of the market. He started smoking and I finally asked him if he remembered anything about the plan which we made last night. Like i expected, he was blank. We went back to Ananya and he walked with us till the end from where we went off to different directions. At the time we were walking, he was more into conversation with Ananya but i didn't know that he was noticing me so closely. Back in the hostel i told about it to everyone and all of them asked me to swear on God that was it a planned meet or not? Tiara took me aside and asked “nikita sach mein aisa hua kya”?
That night he told me what all he had noticed during that short span of time. During the day i was wearing a baby pink coloured sweat shirt and matching ballerinas and he taunted me that i was looking like a small sweet girl. He told me that he loved the way i was trying to manage my curly hair. My smile made him smile. He loved my voice and eyes too. I was amazed at all this because this was unexpected. He was slowly making me fall in love with his thoughts, his straight forward nature, and the complete him.
Day’s n nights passed by, so did our talks, our friendship. My friends knew about my horrible past and had asked me to just enjoy with him, not getting into any serious stuff. I was so trying the same.
It was 21st, our last exam and Tiara birthday. Everyone was saying it was the last day of our life but none amongst us was afraid. We were ready to face anything as long as we were together. The exam went horrible for everyone. We were so damn busy in Tiara birthday preparations. I came back from the examination room after 1 hour and got ready to go to “books n brew " , the place where the party was organised. Ananya too came and together we went there. We looked out for all the arrangements and we were done in fifteen minutes. Ananya was standing outside with her guy and i called up Ronit. I told him where i was and he said he would come in half an hour. In the mean time, Ananya’s boyfriend had also gone. Ronit came and asked me to come outside. He had ordered tea outside and was waiting for it. We kept on standing outside and he kept on describing how boys were better than girls. I was wearing a black jacket with a slip shoulder top inside and he did compliment me that i was looking hotter than the day we had met before. Suddenly he asked me to give my hand. He joined my hand with his for 3-4 minutes and i just felt that i would be having a mini heart attack if he didn’t leave my hand in the next few seconds. As rest of the people came, we went in the basement area and he ordered a chess-board. We played chess in which of course he was winning. When more girls showed up he went up. After some time he asked me to come up and asked to sit with him. His cellphone was lying on the table and i just took it casually. I was checking for games it had, when he realised that his phone was in my hands. He immediately stood up and tried to take his phone from me. He came by my backside and took the phone in his hands and started showing me his games himself. Another mini heart attack.
The party got over and we went back home. All were asleep by 1:30 and i was expecting a call from him. At 2 he called up and asked me to pack my bags as he would come and pick me up from the pg itself. I was shocked and told him that this was not happening. He said he had to leave for PGI and asked me to not to sleep. He said he would come and just see me in 15 minutes. I got up and told Aalia about this. She was half asleep and i asked her if i was looking fine or do i need to change. She told me that i was looking perfect. I kept waiting for his call. After one hour i messaged him that i was feeling sleepy. He said he would be there in 2 minutes and asked for the house number. I came out and was standing at the balcony. The weather outside was so very romantic. Cool breeze was adding to the romantic atmosphere. Full moon was shining bright and the person who was making me go crazy was standing under my balcony. He and his talks were so cute. I was feeling like going down and hugging him. But which i obviously i could not. He went back home and called me again. Everything was just so perfect. He was that one guy who had pampered me and yes not to forget i was getting attracted towards him. It was something more than that mini crush now.
Next day i was back to my hometown and during the complete eight hour journey he kept calling me if i had reached safely or not. Once i had, he said that now my complete time was for my family. He understood me. Things were going smooth between me and him but the only difference was now that i was not able to talk with him during late night hours. And this distance was slowly creeping between us.
It was a busy week for him also. Christmas and New Year were big events for him and i did understood too. I had never complained about him getting busy in his work. I had always wanted that. I had always wanted him to excel in his work and achieve his all ambitions. On 30th night he called up and we were talking about us. It wasn’t the first time that the topic was about us but it was too serious this time. He made everything so clear that i am a girl who had always given him complete emotional and mental satisfaction. If he looks for a a future with me that’ll be no surprising thing. He directly asked me if I’ll marry him. Now that was shocking for me. And then he further explained me he wasn’t proposing me, he was just telling me that to this question i would surely have said yes and yah that was true. I would have, surely not at this point but sooner or later i would have. And this would start with our commitment towards each other. I am a girl who had always been serious about her career. At present i was so clear about my life and my career. I was sure that thinking about marriage before 10 years was not possible for me. And i wasn’t not ready for any physical relation too. Things got bitter that night. He didn’t listen to me and we ended with a huge fight. I was right at my part. I didn’t messaged or called him. He called me up on New Year and wished me. i didn’t understood him. He was always being sweet to me after that. We had a chat on facebook once or twice but nothing was going better. We both were keeping mum about that day’s fight. I was feeling bad. He was avoiding me but at the same time being sweet whenever he was online. I didn’t liked this. I made him clear either end all this or continue with us being just friends. He didn’t respond to that. It was getting heavy on me. i wasn’t liking this mental pressure and i decided to end all this. I decided to move out of his life. It was a new year and thought of a new beginning for him and me as well.
I’m not angry because we broke up, I m sad because i can’t let u go..
I’m not angry at you for not loving me.. i m angry with m for still loving u
I’m not angry that i lost you... I m sad because i once had u
I m not angry that you’ve moved on i m sad because i can’t
I m not angry that you won’t come back i m sad because i keep hoping you’ll
I m not angry because i hate you n dun want to
I m sad because i couldn’t help being so.
Days went by and everything was normal. I just tried to free him off his worries and he gave me some precious memories for lifetime. I was back on my normal routine. Life moves on and so do we. Time takes away all pain and bad memories. Its just good memories which leave their footprints in our heart.
And i thought that was the end of the story but i suppose God had something else for me. Things got normal again between us. We were friends again and i was back in Chandigarh. It was lohri and i was staying with Maahi in her pg. Ananya too was with me. In evening i got a call from a friend of Ronit and he asked me to come and meet him. When i met him he gave me a packet which had “lohri” in it. It was from Ronit... again he gave me a moment of life when i was jumping and dancing in happiness.
One evening he called me up and asked to meet him. I got ready in hurry and went to meet. We sat in a park on two different benches.. too shy to sit together. We just kept sitting there and talked about from everything to nothing and when he was about to leave he hugged me and kissed my forehead. I could feel the goose bumps. I couldn’t sleep that night. Though this wasn’t the first time a guy had hugged me but it was hell lot different this time. Many days went by and our never ending late night talk’s didn’t had any full stop in the end.
But slowly this whole thing faded away with time. This time he was again busy and even i was busy with college. We couldn’t give each other time. And i could feel that although i was involved with my college i tried getting back to him. But no effort could be seen from his side. A friend of mine added him on facebook and started talking with him. He was same with her too. Sweet, frank, caring and all what i had got. There wasn’t anything special rather it was his speciality of being so with every girl. I was hurt and wanted to shout at him. But then i didn’t felt like going down to his level. I stopped replying to him, didn’t picked his calls and avoided him completely.
One day i got a long message from his side that how can i be so rude and i just did one thing. Sent him the screenshot of a conversation he had with my friend. No reply came. And there were no further calls or messages. I believe he understood that this time he had lost me forever. But one thing i was sure of was that one day I’ll be getting a sorry text or mail from his side. <I usually get>
What usually happens to such crush.. Happened with this too. This story also had hell lot of excitement and love in starting. Both the characters were ready to forget their past and give life and love another chance. They both tried everything to be together. But at one point, one of them realised that nothing was worth it. So at the end a silent separation happened. A separation which wasn’t decided or discussed rather which just happened.
And today i have got a message from him again. After 8 months he is messaging me that he is sorry for whatever happened. He wants me back in his life.
But i have never believed in second chance. Once lost you can only amend things not make new memories out of it. The love which once could make my heart beat faster, that love taught me how to be practical in life. So i believe this was the plan which God had for me.
True love can make you go weak but a fake love will always make you stronger.
Anyhow i too can be cruel.
i am not replying back..!!
© Copyright 2016 tkakrotra. All rights reserved.
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