Drug Test

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
a funny story abut a drug test

Submitted: June 12, 2008

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Submitted: June 12, 2008

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It was late one rainy night, a perfect stereotypical night for either cuddling or a horror movie, or cuddling during a horror movie. But not for me. For I was stuck at work with Joseph, whom I didn’t like very much, and Zachariah, who didn’t know what a shower or toothbrush was. You cold say I was the only normal person at my job. Anyway, as it happened, I was in the lobby washing down tables, Joseph was in the back washing dishes, and Zachariah was just sitting on his fat lazy butt because he’s the manager and he can do that. 
Well I’m just minding my business, washing tables when I hear a blood curling scream. It takes me a second to realize that the scream came from Joseph. I try to ignore it, but my curiosity get the best of me and I go back to see why he screamed. I got back there and I saw that there was a tomato slicer in the sink, a very large gash on Joseph’s arm, and a large amount of blood bubbling from the flesh wound. Immediately I started laughing. Call me insensitive, but I found it hilarious. Zachariah had the paper towels ready, and he bandaged Joseph’s bleeding arm. But the bleeding only subsided for a minute, before it started bleeding badly again. 
We realized he would need stitches, so Zachariah said he could go to the hospital and get it checked out and he wouldn’t write him up for skipping work. So Joseph hopped in his car and drove himself to the nearest hospital, which fortunately was only a five minute drive away. The rest of the night went on with out another event, except I had to wash dishes on top of all my regular duties.
The next day was when thing got interesting. Joseph filed for workers comp when he went to the hospital to get his arm sown up. It was good idea, because that way he wouldn’t have to pay for the stitches, and he could get some paid time off work. He just forgot one small thing, the drug test. When he got into work the next day the store manager informed him that in order to qualify for workers comp he had to pass a drug test. And everyone knew that Joseph was the biggest pot head ever. As a matter of fact, he had smoked a blunt last night in order to keep his arm from hurting as badly.
So Joseph waited around for a little till the store manager left, and then he started freaking out. He knew that if he failed the drug test he would have to pay for the stitches, pay the fine for having pot in his system, pay the bail to get out of jail, and get fired for being on drugs. Then, one of his only friends from work started taking charge. She said he needed to go down to the hospital, and sign in.  Then, she would get some one who didn’t smoke to pee in a glove and she would take it to him. But she had to be careful not to let it cool off, it had to stay body temperature otherwise the hospital would know he had cheated. 
She asked everyone in the store if they had smoked in the last two months, and when she got to me, I told her I hadn’t smoked and she told me to go to the bathroom ad pee in the glove. I reminded her that I didn’t like Joseph that much anyway, but I relented and took the glove to the bathroom.  I finished doing my business and started to tie off the glove when it slipped and crashed to the floor splattering my urine everywhere. I went back tho the back of the store and explained what happened, and took a mop and went to clean my mess. So she asked the last person in the store, Sherry. Sherry is like this old lady that doesn’t like teenagers anyway. I don’t quite know how she convinced Sherry, but magically, she did. Sherry took the glove back to the bathroom and brought it back full of the liquid gold. Joseph’s friend took the glove and stuck it in her pants to keep it body temperature. 
She drove down to the hospital and made the transaction. Joseph then stuck it in his pants. And we didn’t hear anything else about it for the next few days. The tension was building, for we all knew the legal trouble that sherry and Joseph could be in for doing this. Then in one earth shattering moment the fax machine rang out printing off Joseph’s results. The store manager snatched them up before anyone had a chance to read them. He called Joseph and told him to come see him.In about ten minutes Joseph arrived. All the employees huddled around Joseph, hungrily anticipating the verdict.
 
The store manager said, “Joseph I have good news and bad news. The good news is you passed your drug test. You’re clean. The bad news is… you’re pregnant.”


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