In a moment of a winter night

The scare on my heart will never heal. As long as love is burning in my heart. As long as I'm feeling the pain which tightens my heart. As long as I'm dying, but don't die, the scare will not heal – I will not stop loving him.

It's a dark night. Endless darkness – emptiness – as the heart of mine. Like a insatiable giant it swallows even the last ray of light and hope on a better tomorrow. A cold wind whistling (as a scream of a being faced with dead) in this black, dark nothing. A cold sea – also black – is hitting with waves on the shore, fetching every time a little more of the snow. It's snowing heavily, while the wind carries the flakes on all sides.

It's warm and bright inside, but still everything is empty and full of shadows which are not longer here. In the background a slow song is playing quit. The song is in French so I understand just one word “loveless”. But it's suit perfectly in the moment. On a little table – right next to the radio – three candles are flicking. This flicking, this light which is playing with the dark, are creating a strangely melancholic state.

The memories intertwine. Happiness and sadness are mixing with each other and the feeling which they are creating is taking my breath away.

How strange I felt as I had meet him. The 21^st December two years ago. The waves was hitting like today, even the wind was the same.

In my friends house. He was sitting leaned on the wall with his right hand on his right knee. In the hand he had a half burned cigarette. His view was penetrating through my body, all until deep in my soul. Words like love or passion, lust, would not suit to describe my feelings. It was needing. I felt how much I need him. More then food. More then water. I needed him more then air. I needed him to take me out of my hopelessness. He needed to give meaning to my life. To kindle a fire which will burn forever. As the phoenix who reborn from the ash, the fire should kindle every time again.

Just the way it had to be, so it was. He gave a meaning to my life and I gave a meaning to his.

 This night we returned together. A part of our way was the same. The cold was roasting, the wind was carrying. As it did not. With him all that was just a dream which was surrounding our reality. Just he and I. More intensely than anything else, separated from time and space.

 As he embraced and kissed me for the first time. On the cold as just our bodies was mutually warming us. The smell of his cigarettes was penetrating in every single pore of my body. The taste of his lips memorable tremble on my. His long black hair still tickles my body which writhes under his touches. Every single kiss of him, like a invisible stamp on my skin.

Our hearts just blind victims of love which don't know mercy.

How it's know to hurt when you lose your love. The 21^st December a year ago. The waves was hitting the shore like today. Even the wind was the same.

In the tub. In a small apartment next to the coast. Leaned on his chest – lost in his arms. His hand was gently going over my back, as I listened to his heartbeats. The whole time he had not speak a single word. He had just hold me strong. Strong as if he was afraid to lose me, even if he slacked a little bit. Happiness narcotized me. Infinitely happy. Just when I had die in this moment – on his arms.

The flame of love, if it flares too much, know to burn you too. To leave a scar for the rest of your life. That darkness swallow all the light of your life. To be lost in nothingness. Float somewhere, and be nowhere.

And this insensitive words resound in your head for a eternity. The same view which had once flared the flame of love, have now be choking it. The lips which had once testified love, have now called for pain. And the smell of his cigarettes still relates my thoughts.

All that of which he had save me once, suddenly he pushed me in the hands of all that.

His touch. His embrace. His kisses and his hair on my body. So real, but he is not more by my side. Just the memories flares the love ever again, and the flares love bring back memories.

The wind is blowing unmercifully. The snowflakes are falling inexorably. The waves are still hitting the shore reaching little by little of the snow. Everything is the same as then, but nothing is the same anymore.