Absolute Emptiness

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
My description of emptiness...

Submitted: November 11, 2011

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Submitted: November 11, 2011

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I feel totally empty. Nothing lasts long enough for me to notice. Before I blink it's over, passed by, soon like it was never here. Why do I feel this way? Why do I care? Put a name to it, pick a fancy one, it doesn't matter. How do I resolve it, how do I minimize it? Day in, day out, I look around I see the same walls, the same random dust pattern, the same dirty carpet, I spent a lot of time in music, arts and self discovery, now I feel like I have nothing more to create, all my temporary hobbies have come to a halt. It doesn't matter how many coffee cups I drink, it doesn't matter how many wine glasses I have, no amount of sexual pleasure keeps me sober, no amount of compassion or affection is enough. Why do I feel what I feel now? But I know it would be worse without the wine, without the sex, without the coffee, and arts, I know it would be much worse, but still I feel this. I can never start anything to finish it, I change my mind so easily because of rational reasons, I believe if I have time I need not do anything, but if I don't have time, why bother even thinking about it? I'm sure this is not just a phase, I am who I am, I'm not fully capable of playing along with you nice people, with all your mating rituals, fancy cloths, and silly games. I need nothing, there's nothing I desire that I can get from you, and I do not need to play your games so I can satisfy your society, I shall be true to myself, we are who we are, as I am, I am. In the end it doesn't matter, and I know that, I have known it for a while now, and I stopped wondering, there are some few sticking points, I overreached myself, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't need alcohol, I just used it when I can, I know that no amount of wine is going to make me happy. I'm not asleep anymore, as I know myself, maybe I'm immune to happiness, resistant to having inner peace. It's hard to undo things, once you know, you can't go back, I'm glad I know, I'm glad for the disillusion, for the clarity, as I hate lies designed to keep me in a fantasy world. I'm not that fragile, I am fearless, I am god, I will kill you if you test me, and I wont even blink, my needs keep evolving, my curiosity drives me. I know there's no such thing as good or bad, as long as I can live with the consequences, but I know there's nothing impossible to handle, rarely is there something with no solution. The only thing that's on my way is time, I feel like I have lived a few lifetimes already, I can't comprehend those who want to live forever, what would you do with infinite time? Just a few decades for me is depressing and boring, maybe if I was somebody special, but not like this, I just don't have the patience to go through the troubles, the struggles and hard work needed for that, I don't care for greatness, but I need my strength and addictions. If there's a point to life, I missed it, I wasn't paying attention, I have felt the deaths of everyone around me a hundred times before, I have felt the pain of loosing everything, over and over, I have felt the conflict of taking a life myself. I have come to love the power and ritual, but I do not have a need for it.


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