Dining with the Literati

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
a name dropper after a party

Submitted: March 04, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 04, 2012



Dining with the Literati

At a literary dinner party one winter night,

While I was there, you know, I got quite a fright.

So many I had heard of but really hardly knew

And small talk isn’t always an easy thing to do.

Who did I chat to while I was there?

Some of the guests may make you stand and stare.

I was seated next to Our Man in Havana

And opposite him was Silas Marner,

So with The Secret Agent on my left

I‘m afraid of words I was totally bereft.

On my right was The Man Without a Face

Who I thought looked sad and a little out of place.

Opposite him was The Invisible Man,

But I saw through him and said hello to The Third Man.

A little further along I spotted Hercule Poirot

But he was quite happy ploughing his own furrow,

Using his broken English on The Man with the Golden Gun

He seemed to be having quite a lot of fun.

I chanced to overhear The Three Musketeers,

Mostly unrepeatable, I covered my ears!

The were joking away with The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Insulting The Wimpy Kid, who got quite nasty.

The first course over, I decided to look around

To see if more stimulating company could be found.

I glided between the guests with my glass of Mumm champagne,

Bumped into Glenn Buterol, who was going through great pain.

I guided him towards the eminent surgeon Dr No,

But said “Try Dr Frankenstein if he won’t have a go.

I am sure there’s a Doctor in the House somewhere.”

And said, “It’s not about the bike, please don’t despair“.

The Bicycle Thieves were apparently in the yard

And Glenn’s bike had disappeared too. It seemed so hard.

Dr Zhivago unfortunately wasn’t there

And to practise his Russian he didn’t really dare.

Behind Two Star Crossed Lovers blocking the door

I spotted Little Lord Fauntleroy helping himself to more

Champagne. I asked him who the dreamy two were

He thought Romeo and Juliet but couldn’t be quite sure.

I left him deep in conversation with the Lord of the Flies

And the Lord of the Rings emitting great sighs.

He seemed to have something weighty on his mind

Something about some jewellery he couldn’t find.

The Count of Monte Cristo offered to help him out

But was politely declined. So I sauntered about.

Dr Who and the Time Traveller’s Wife

Were passing the hours without any strife.

Lady Macbeth was trying to find the loo,

Needed to wash her hands, as ladies do.

I caught her at the wrong time for idle chit chat,

As I did Adrian Mole, with his diary on his lap.

He was frantically writing everything down

About Rebecca in her splendid evening gown.

He was also quite taken with young Jane Eyre

So much so he began to despair.

The Black Tulip was refused. She didn’t want to know.

(It was February the 14th, though.)

We profusely excused ourselves, and I thought I’d carry on.

I felt sorry for the poor chap. He didn’t get along

With The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, nor with Emma

Who only played around match making as ever.

I finally got away after The Long Goodbye

When A Woman of no Importance caught his eye.

Thankfully he was rescued by The Lady in the Lake.

I wouldn’t wish on him such a terrible fate.

I went back to warn him Mrs Robinson was on the prowl

But that The Girl with the Pearl Earring was somewhere around.

I was sure she would listen to what he had to say

And be content with him to pass the time of day.

I went into The Secret Garden down The 39 Steps

And mingled with some other guests who’d brought along their pets.

Puss in Boots slithered around my blue suede shoes

Worried about the Hound of the Baskervilles on the loose.

War Horse galloped past carrying Richard III

And Alfred Hitchcock was nearby feeding The Birds,

But The Eagle of the Ninth soon scared them away.

White Fang and Montmorency were not quite au fait

With dinner party etiquette, just chasing around

And the Three Men in a Boat were nowhere to be found.

Nicholas Nickelby and David Copperfield were trying to solve

The Mystery of Edwin Drood, so I was told.

Oliver Twist was continually asking for more

Information, but rather too often. He became a bit of a bore

To Miss Marple, Sherlock Holmes and Martin Chuzzlewit,

Who repeatedly answered his questions but didn’t like it a bit.

As things were getting a little bit heated,

Along came Bugsy Malone and told them all to beat it.

Thankfully Dr Watson calmed everybody down

Then he and Sherlock needed to trot back to town.

They had lost their satnav and asked me which road

To take. Sesame Street or the Yellow Brick Road?

I said I wasn’t quite sure of the way

But hazarded a guess for them anyway.

I said they would need to go past Animal Farm

With Hadrian’s Wall on their left they would come to no harm.

They should turn sharp left by Wuthering Heights

And keep Brighton Rock firmly in their sights.

They should not follow signs to Mansfield Park

As the Girls of St. Trinian’s might be lurking in the dark.

If they saw the Boy Who Never Grew Up hanging around

They should send him home. The Idiot wasn’t sound

In mind. Route 66 would be their best bet

As no one had got lost on it yet.

If they didn’t get home on The Longest Day

Did anyone know somewhere they could stay?

Harry Potter and Mathilda said try Heartbreak Hotel

Or Hotel California which would do just as well.

At this point another argument ensued

And Anne of Green Gables became quite rude,

She so wanted the two sleuths to stay for the night

That she started to put up quite a fight.

As War and Peace was breaking out

Henry V came along to ask what all the fuss was about.

The Man from Uncle blamed the Man in the Moon,

And The Avengers arrived none to soon.

The Saint dropped in with Mme. Bovary

And Candide also gave his two penny.

The Dubliners and Europeans didn’t know what to say

But said a Down and Out in Paris and London would know where to stay.

The French Lieutenant’s Woman was getting quite confused

As details were getting Lost in Translation. They refused

The kind offer of accompanying them on the route home,

But felt it best to go it alone.

The BFG insisted. How could they say no?

So off they went with the 3 Witches in tow.

The Mayor of Casterbridge led the way

To keep the Curse of the Black Pearl away.

James and the Giant Peach brought up the rear.

While the Pirates of the Caribbean brought the rum and beer.

They looked quite a distinguished crowd

Of which the Two Fat Ladies and Don Quixote were proud.

Unfortunately the journey home took rather longer than planned

As I was much later informed by the merry band.

It had seemed like going Round the World in 80 Days,

And finding themselves 20,000 Leagues under the Sea they were amazed

At how easily they had got lost. Baron Munchhausen

Got them back on track. A thousand

Thanks he received after that.

They soon found themselves on Sunset Boulevard

Near 221B Baker Street. Sherlock Holmes back yard.

They were invited in for tea, but declined to stay.

As they had an important meeting at the Champs Elysées.

They were welcome to drop in on their way From the Earth to the Moon,

And with that they all departed, hoping to come back soon.

So that was my evening dining with the Literati

Amongst others. You must agree it was quite a party!

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