The Truth Behind Twilight (name in process)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Twilight humorous dual

this is travis brown and glenn menteer.

hi speech and debate judges we published it =]

booYAW loopholes FOR THE WIN

-travis and glenn



anyways people who dont know us

we wrote and edited a twilight script and here it is enjoy =]!

Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephanie Meyer, er I mean bella swan. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn't be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.
MR SWAN
Hey honey. I'm super lame. I got you a car, but it's totally uncool because I'm totally uncool.
BELLA
Thanks Dad, or whatever.
INTRO-
Travis- ever get annoyed at all the twilight fans.team Jacob this and team Edward that…what about team jess I mean,.. She was HOT.
Glenn- anyways ,we got annoyed enough to arrange this skit.
Travis- twilight 10 times shorter and 100 times more honest
Glenn- cracked.com edited . original piece by Stephanie meyer
BELLA
Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I'll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.
BELLA goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.
JESS
Oh my God I love your hair you're so pretty will you be my new best friend?
Mike
Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?
BELLA
I'd rather eat a pile of razor blades than date you. Why don't you go ask JESS instead?
JESS
Ohmigod I'm getting bella’s rejects, that's so awesome!
 
Suddenly, Edward enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.glenn needs to squeal like a little schoolgirl
BELLA
Who's the albino Wolverine?
JESS
Oh, him? That's Edward. He's universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn't date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.
BELLA
No girl is good enough for him? Man, the excuses closested homosexuals come up with these days.
bella sits next edward, who nearly vomits in his mouth and leaves school for a week. Eventually, he returns. Vomit in your mouth glenn
BELLA
Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you.
EDWARD
Sounds like textbook daddy issues
BELLA
(swoon)
EDWARD
You have a bright career as a stripper  ahead of you.
 
BELLA and EDWARD continue not quite interacting with each other and having no chemistry what-so-ever.
BELLA
Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What's going on?
EDWARD
Alright, you got me. I was acting like a jerk because I secretly totally love you.
BELLA
Of course because this book was written by a terrible author who applies playground love rules to actual lifehuh
EDWARD
Yessirdoodles lets go for hike
FOREST INT.
BELLA
Your skins pale and your wicked fast you never go out in sunlight I know what you are.
EDWARD
Say it. Say it out loud!
BELLA
Mermaid.
EDWARD
No im a vampire why would I be a mermaid…IM A DUDE and I have feet and legs.
BELLA
I just thought it would be romantic
EDWARD
Your stupid
BELLA
GOSH
 
EDWARD
Are you scared
 
BELLA
No
EDWARD
You should be……..(wait) BOO
BELLA
AHHH! Hmm. The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70s.
 
EDWARD
Okay fine
BELLA
You really are a vampire! Does that mean that garlic, stakes, and sunlight kill you?
EDWARD
Don't be stupid. All of that lore is far too interesting for this movie. Being a vampire just means I get superpowers. It's like being Spider-Man, but sexier. Also, I sparkle in the sunlight.
BELLA
So if you're immortal, how old are you anyway?
EDWARD
17
BELLA
How long have you been 17
EDWARD
About 83 years
BELLA
Oh wow..(100 years old huh) look at the time I got to go home
 
BELLA wakes up to find EDWARD watching her sleep.
BELLA
Predatoring Pedophiles ! If you weren't so hot I'd have you arrested! How long have you been doing this?
EDWARD
2 months.
BELLA
But I've only lived here one month according to the script.
EDWARD
Yeah, the script was written in six weeks. Don't get hung up on crap like that.
BELLA
Oh. Well, as long as you're here I guess we could have some fun ;]
EDWARD
No, I can't have sex with you! I'd be unable to control myself! I'd bite you and turn you into a vampire! Also I ejaculate boiling vemon. Which means id have to wear like 50 condoms.
 
BELLA
Wait, we can't have sex at all, and you can't suck my blood? How can you make a vampire movie without anyone sucking blood?
EDWARD
It's alright, I think this movie already has more than enough sucking.
V.O. Bella wait with her father for Edward to pick her up.
BELLA
Dad, my boyfriend is coming over to pick me up. Try not to get dork all over him.
 
MR.SWAN
Oh I cant wait to meet him!
 
BELLA
Oh, and also: He's a 100-year-old vampire, don't say anything racist about vampires, okay?
MR.SWAN
A vampire WHAT THE HEL-
EDWARD
Hello, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you, Bella has said absolutely nothing about you because you're so lame.
MR.SWAN
So I hear you're a 100-years-old. And interested in my 17-year-old daughter. So, mathematically that's like, what, a 40-year-old dating a 6-year-old?
EDWARD
Ummmmmmmm...
BELLA
Dad, you're embarrassing me almost as much as my acting! I'm just going over to his house to have dinner with his family, I'll be back before 11. Unless the ravenous vampires murder me, of course.
MR.SWAN
Alright, just bring this pepper spray with you. It's literally the very least I can do to offer  to my teenage daughter in this brand new town with extremely small police force and criminals left and right
BELLA
Daaaaad! Stop being such a loser, I don't need this!
MR.SWAN
Really? Weren't you almost raped by four guys earlier in the movie?
BELLA
Yeah but I have a BOYFRIEND now, which means I no longer have to be independent or physically capable of doing anything on my own. GOD!
EDWARD and BELLA go to EDWARDS FAMILY MANSION in the middle of the woods, because of course the FANTASY MALE should be rich, too.
BELLA
Jesus, this place is paler than an albino polar bear…at least it doesn’t smell as bad
CHARLISE
Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I'm the father figure of this family because I'm the one who turned them all into vampires. There's something disturbing about the idea that I've only turned teenagers into vampires, but let's ignore that.
BELLA
Wow, you guys are so close. What keeps this family together so well?
CHARLISE
You see we kill things together.A family that slays together stays together
ALICE
Knock it off, dad. So, Bella, there must be something really special about you for Edward to take such a liking to you and risk the lives of his entire family. Tell us about yourself.
 
BELLA
Me? Oh, no. I'm just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever.
ALICE
Oh. Well what do you like to do for fun?
 
BELLA
Mostly smoke pot on my porch in front of the paparazzi. What about you guys?
CHARLISE
Vampire baseball.
BELLA
Ha ha, no seriously.
CHARLISE
Really. Vampire baseball. We even have uniforms. Want to come watch us play?
BELLA
I got some pot waiting at home….but it can wait. go ahead.
(Pretend to play vampire baseball)
(Evil ones show up)
JAMES
Oh man looks like you brought a snack
ALICE
Well actually we ran out of cheez itz like 20 minutes ago
BELLA
I thought you didn’t eat
EDWARD
Again don’t pay attention to the lousy script writing of this movie …..Stay away from her or my family will have to kill you. Specifically, we'll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula, and then kill you.
JAMES
Murder, eh? That's one hell of a family activity. My family usually just plays Candyland.
CHARLISE
The family that slays together, stays together.
ALICE
God dad stop saying that!
 
James bites  Bella, a poorly directed action sequence ensues, and eventually he is defeated. (maybe later batman-ish fight scene with BOOM and KAPOW and ZAP.)
 
CHARLISE- Bella’s been bitten! She'll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can't do it for some reason or another.
EDWARD
Since this whole novel is based on just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?
CHARLISE
Look, all I know is that even though it's going to be REALLY HARD, you're just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.
He DOES. It's very DISSATISFYING.
BELLA wakes up in the hospital, and EDWARD wakes up after her.
BELLA
I thought vampires never slept.
EDWARD
Script. Six weeks. Remember? Seriously last time im gonna say this TERRIBLE SCRIPT.
 
BELLA
Right. Well, thanks for saving my life after endangering it by inviting me into your dangerous world. Let's go to the prom together.
EDWARD
Actually, I think it would be better if we broke up. To keep you safe.
 
BELLA
No. No, you can't ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.
 
 
EDWARD
(Alliteration), you're a clingy psychotic girl. Maybe we have a realistic high school relationship after all.
They stay together and go to the PROM.
BELLA
I want you to make me a vampire so that I can be with you, even if it means sacrificing my own life as a mortal.
EDWARD
I cant there wouldn’t be another 3 books and 150 million dollars for Stephanie Meyers
BELLA
I love you. Put a baby in me.
EDWARD
At least the other three books can't possibly be more poorly written or depressing.
US
They ARE.
(Bow!)
 

END


Submitted: December 08, 2009

© Copyright 2021 TravisBrownGlennMenteer. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Mistress of Word Play

Too cool. Laughed and laughed. Well you will fit in nicely here with the rest of us. Welcome. Love the Mario Brothers bought a Wii just so I could play paper mario and mariokart. Cool! Nice job on the write. Susan :)

Tue, December 8th, 2009 8:39pm

Capricious True

Wow, seriously? You should be payed for this!

Sat, December 12th, 2009 3:11am

zzzooe

Haha, even though I'm a twi-hard, my secret hobby is to look up twilight hating stories, just so I can have a bit of a laugh. This was very well done and you've brightened my day considerably. Well done! :)

Sun, December 13th, 2009 8:15am

TravisBrownGlennMenteer

thanks everyone =]!

Wed, December 23rd, 2009 10:09pm

rjdazo1092

Funny!!!!!!!!

Thu, December 24th, 2009 3:59am

Vinny9

I thought it was fuc.king hillarious and I couldn't stop the tears!! Great job, I hate twilight!

Fri, December 25th, 2009 6:33pm

little emo angel

well, THAT was wayyy more satisfying than he move :)

Mon, January 11th, 2010 12:16pm

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