More Sleepless Nights

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Continuation of the tumultuous life and woman's struggle with love and relationships.

Lying in bed......naked, cold, lonely. I can feel the sheets tangled across my legs, the blanket pulled up close to my face.....but not providing any warmth or comfort. My arms lie limp, but rigid at my sides. My eyelids are heavy, but dare not close.....I've been here before. Sleep has become foreign, a luxury.....dreams torturous. Thoughts running around like gears that have been stripped of their threads.....they never stop. I try to recount the good from my day, try to find a reason for being here....my breaths getting shallower and sadder for each moment I can't think of one....My head is heavy with the anxiety, the exhaustion...but somehow I turn and look toward the room where my children sleep. My reason is there...but sometimes is doesn't feel like enough. They have each other and always will. Who do I have?.....I roll my head back on to my pillow....lie on my side in an attempt at comfort, desperate for any amount of sleep. Staring into the darkness of my bedroom....no one is there....I can feel myself sighing deeply, but no one will hear it.....I eventually drift off to sleep, but not enough to dream.....I'm too exhausted to torture myself tonight.

Dreams and nightmares......there is supposed to be a distinction, but I can't find one...they're all the same. My dreams start out with good intentions.....it's the only place where I don't feel alone. I imagine lying in bed, strong legs intertwined together.....soft arms draped across the curvature of my body, hands firmly clasped with mine....holding my body closely against his. I can feel his gentle heartbeat and his breathing against my neck.....so subtle that I can barely distinguish it from my own. His hand runs down my side, feeling every curve my body has to offer. He makes his way down my leg and grazes my thigh. I feel flushed....the blood rushing through my body.....heat building like a kettle ready to let off steam at any moment.....\"don't stop\" I think to myself. I lie there quietly, not moving a muscle....waiting for him to finish exploring my body with his hands.....waiting for the perfect moment to turn and face him, to feel my hips lock with his....for him to enter me and bring me the bliss I'd been longing for. But I don't....this isn't real, it's all in my head.....I sit up suddenly in my bed, shattered out of my sleep, out of my dream. Why do I put myself through this?......I know the outcome, but I still suffer through it. I put my head in my hands and brush the hair from my face......I can feel a cold sweat bead up across my forehead, the tension across my shoulders gets stronger. I glance at the clock....the numbers are frozen there. This night will not end.....I will sit here in the darkness and dare not close my eyes again.....

The dim morning light shines through my bedroom window....creeping in between the slats of the blinds. My eyes bloodshot and tired from my night of broken sleep and half dreamed fantasies. I slowly stand up...my bare feet press against the hard wood floor. The initial cold from the floor opens my eyes wide....but only for a split second...the weight of my tired eyes quickly make them close again....I make my way to the bathroom, but leave the light off. The reflection in the mirror, dreary and worn. I turn on the shower....steam quickly fills the room. I pull back the curtain and let the hot water hit my neck.....the tension in my shoulders still lingers. I lay my head back into the water, running my fingers through my hair. The warmth of the water is slowly breaking down the trauma of the night before....I still try not to close my eyes for too long...the images still vivid in my mind and I don't want to see them, too much to bear....

My body relaxes as the minutes pass....finally some relief, some peace....relaxation is a dangerous place for a wandering mind...the quiet slowly seeping in, leaving it open and available for something to fill that space. I can't let that happen....but I can't help it...I try and justify the unfinished dream in my head. I have to have that feeling of bliss that was taken from me so abruptly.....I lie back against the tile wall, close my eyes and try to drift back into the fantasy....the place where I'm not alone. The beads of water splash off my face and body….I raise my hands to cover my eyes and try to collect my thoughts….try to make sense of things I can’t have. I imagine those hips pressed against mine, hands caressing my face, the heat coming off our bodies as we bring each other to the climax......a beautiful dream that will never see reality. I can see you laying next to her…..you arms draped around each other, leaning in close to kiss goodnight. I stand there, my head in my hands…..shaking my head in disbelief, as if I can do anything about it. It should be me lying there…..your arms draped around me as I drift off to sleep, but it never will be. I will feel the hurt I've caused myself later.....I will have plenty more sleepless nights, more shattered dreams. Nothing I do will erase that, nothing will come to save me......


Submitted: April 16, 2011

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