The day I saw him, nothing changed. It wasn’t those life changing moments, it wasn’t love at first sight, but it was something special. I’m not going to tell you some cheesy story about how I loved him, I’ll just tell you how I really felt, something I haven’t been able to really, tell anyone yet.
The moment I first saw him, I didn’t feel anything. I walked past him. I did that for a few weeks until I noticed he was always there. We always crossed paths, he was always in my view, and something just clicked. One day, I just started to have an urge to go forward and give him a hug. His personality is so closed off and dark, I felt he had something inside of him he hasn’t told anyone and he needed someone to tell. He had this mysterious and mischievous feeling and I was compelled by him. He was certainly attractive with high cheekbones and his laugh. His smile was gorgeous and just melted me to pieces. His hair brushed back and forth in a cute way and his shoulders were broad and strong, framing his slim body.
He was eye catching, and ever since that day, my eyes were always on him. I watched him in class, saw him laugh, talk, and it made my day when he spoke to me. I caught some moments of him when he’s just perfect. One moment, I was with my friend and him and he turned around, the sun was glowing behind him, he had a half smile on his face, his high cheekbones were curving downward, and it was just breathtaking. It was so perfect I can’t express it through words. Ever since that moment, I have that picture in my head and when I think of him I think of that moment because I find him that perfect.
Some days, I have dreams about him. I dream about him talking to me, as pathetic as that seems, I dream of him standing up for me and telling me I’m beautiful and asking me to the dance, kissing me. Often, I think of him. I like him and then the feeling fades. Then I would see him again and the feeling would come back even stronger. I admire him, he doesn’t brag at all and sometimes it surprises me when he’s really good at things because he never talks about it. He’s smart, no doubt about it and when he plays his instrument, it’s beautiful. The sound is beautiful and smoothing and amazing, just like him.
Most of the time, I just want to talk to him, I just want a hug from him, I just want to feel his arms around me. I couldn’t tell anyone how much I loved him, how much I wanted him to like me back. I couldn’t tell anyone because the emotions were too much, I couldn’t put how I felt into words. On the internet, I would wait for him to come online. When he’s offline I’m sad and I wait, when he’s online my heart quickens and I get excited. I have all these emotions that I feel for him, but he doesn’t know, he doesn’t care.
I’ve told you how much I love him, but does he feel the same way? I’m not pretty, or skinny, or smart, but he is, so why would he like me? He criticizes me, tells me I’m fat, looks at me funny, ignores me, and say the meanest things, but I can’t seem to get over him. If he was a typical guy I would slap him and get over it, but I just can’t seem to get him out of my head. However, there are rare moments he’s nice, those rare times he’s smiles at me and looks at me with those beautiful eyes, makes up for everything. Just thinking about him makes me smile and dizzy. All these feelings I express, I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I asked my best friend to tell him because I just couldn’t keep it inside, I wanted him to know how I felt.
I knew he didn’t like me and of course there was no response. I wasn’t sure how to react. Obviously, he ignored me and he didn’t feel the same way, I became depressed, more than I thought I ever would be because I realized how much I really liked him. I convinced myself that this was all a small little crush, I’m too young to be in love, but it didn’t end that way. When he ignored me online, it ruined my night, when he insulted me, it ruined my day. The smallest things ticked me off. When other girls flirted or talked to him or if he flirted back I would get so jealous it wasn’t even right. I mean do I have the right to get jealous even though he’s not mine? I wasn’t sure.
I just wanted him to know that this is how much I liked him, I didn’t want to regret not telling him. This is also a memory I made so I would never forget him, even at such a young age I feel like I truly fell for him and that he was my first love. I guess I understand why people do such stupid things for love because now, I understand how desirable it can be.
I don’t know what will happen in the future between us, but I hope he knows how much I loved him, how I felt. I hope in the future he’ll change his mind about me, if he does, I guess this story isn’t over yet, but for now, this is it. Even though it’s painful when you love a guy a lot and he doesn’t, it’s something you should feel in life, because it makes you stronger, and even through the pain you’ll experience pure joy from seeing him. You’ll be so happy at times, a smile is stuck on your face, if you love a guy, love him because he makes you smile, because it’s priceless.
A story dedicated to Won Ho Song
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