BREAKING NEWS- Drunk Transvestite Mistaken For Flesh Eating Zombi

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Satire news article.

Submitted: May 27, 2015

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Submitted: May 27, 2015

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Sources confirm that the flesh eating zombie that dazzled commuters along a Westbound lane in a fabulous purple and black striped legging outfit, complete with nine inch bamboo pumps and a matching clutch bag, while soliciting the busy intersection, was in fact '...just a really drunk transvestite'.

Witnesses at the intersection called the event an example of fate.
"It was a real eye opening experience for everyone involved," said Faye Johnson, who was two car lengths behind the stumbling pedestrian.

Johnson recalled the moments before driver, John Kudlow, 51, ran a red light going East at high speed. He struck the 6' 4'' transvestite in his 2007 Ford Expedition. "He just slammed into her and he kept going"

Kudlow, a retired high school English teacher, is facing murder charges in the slaying of G'Loria Rasheed Martin, Jr, whose death was captured on the phone of one witness, Ben Hudson.

The 15 minute video-recording documents the events on a busy street corner as pandemonium erupts, after G'Loria, a retired Go-Go Server from Tampa and 'acclaimed citizen, transvestite and friend' was mistaken for a zombie.

"It [the car] ran a red light and my mom started yelling, 'They hit her! Oh my God, they just hit her!’ I remember thinking ‘there's no way they're getting up after that, that was a fatal hit’.

"You could definitely tell there was a lot of blood in the streets, in her hair and all over her body," Johnson said.

By nine-thirty that same night more than twenty businesses were vandalized, looted, or both. Local hospitals were filled to capacity. One car even caught fire.

"It's the best footage I've filmed so far. I'm so relieved I had my Hi-Def camera" Hudson told reporters. "Nothing could've made this day any better!"

Others only wish that G'Loria had survived the crash.

Ten minutes after the collision the chaos had reached its worst. Some people drove their cars on the sidewalk and over the median to flee
"Nobody knew what was going on." Kimberly Nut, a cashier at the 7/11 store adjacent to the intersection says she can't explain what convinced so many people to believe the transgender woman had actually come back from the dead. "It just sounds so crazy."

Nut admits, ‘it’ [G’loria] did resemble zombies she's watched on a popular television program, "The Walking Dead," a show whose make-up effects feature realistic looking zombies, whom some contend are too inappropriate for television.

Nancy Conch, a motivational speaker and customer at the 7/11 during the crisis, blames the media for the panic.

"The garbage they see in the televisions is the stuff they take to the streets and schools." Conch explained in her new seminar, 'The Many Gender’s of Fear', which highlights the events of the city-wide crisis by discussing its social-moral impacts on society and how we might better our families. Conch believes that by removing things such as “witches, monsters, he-she's or even zombies," from our culture entirely.

"The only way to protect ourselves and our families is to take all the trash and the garbage and the rot out of our school systems, our television sets and from the American lifestyle entirely, until we no longer know what a werewolf is...or a zombie, or a transvestite," Conch concluded at the end of her three hour conference.

But people like Raven Tregger from the sheriffs office have a different look on things. Known for her sometimes bizarre campaign tactics and slogan, "Where was Nancy Conch when a transvestite needed her most?" Finch has since fought for the GLBT community and defended G'lorias name.

Julia Harper was one of four others who weren't afraid the transvestite was a zombie.

"It's not that I didn't think she was a zombie because I did." Harper explained how she and three others stayed near, but not too close, to the body of G'loris.

Jenny Grapes told us she believed G'Loria was a flesh hungry zombie as well. "I knew she was a transvestite before I knew she was a zombie."

"We were all there for her," Julia Harper recounted, "Jenny held her hand for us."

Nicknamed Gloria by witnesses, one person said the reportedly 'flesh eating zombie' turned out to be, "the nicest transvestite I've ever met."

Doctors say G'loria died from loss of blood. "Fact of the matter is, G'loria could be alive today if just one of the four witnesses stopped the wound from bleeding out." Doctor Hina Syed explained. "They could have used just about anything to press against her minor gash."

Dr. Syed says the autopsy revealed G'loria was not a zombie. "She was a very drunk transvestite who had been hit by a car."

Julia plans to write a book about her experiences. "Gloria taught us so much in the forty-five minutes it took her to die."

Emergency personnel were unable to reach the intersection for over over an hour as drivers took to the streets after witnessing what they believed to be a zombie apocalypse.

Abandoned vehicles caused a city-wide gridlock, crippling efforts to reach the ravaged area.

President Barack Obama has been briefed on the situation.

A funeral service will be held for G’loria this Friday at the Ladies for Jesus of Nazareth Church, where she often volunteered and worked in the soup kitchen via an outreach program, “Now A Woman, Now I’m Homeless," which targets the ‘transvestial homeless community’.

The opened-casket viewing is open to public from 12-5 Thursday. The service on Friday is a private event, for only friends and family.

The funeral directors at Perpetual Grief Funeral Home, nor close relatives to the deceased have specified whether G’loria will be buried as a man or a woman.

 
 


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