One Size Does Not Fit All

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

A short story about the follies around getting a perfect pair of pantyhose

or pantyhose hell
I don’t know who designs women’s undergarments, but one size does not fit all! I have been a fashion victim of underwear since I began wearing them. Pantyhose had just been out a few years. A miracle development for the female form!
I still remember struggling desperately into them, my face breaking out in a sweat, as I tried to jam myself into them. I lied to myself. Oh, these fit alright. Then I would take a couple of steps only to find the crotch down to my knees. These were made for midgets or for women with manly stick legs. I was, even as a teenager a tad overweight. All right then, more then a tad. 
Still, I would defy any woman to put on a pair of one size fits all and not have some problem with them. 
You can only imagine my delight when the next development came in the guise of Queen Size pantyhose for those of us who were more voluptuous then what was considered a proper proportionate Barbie doll.
Queen size, why don’t they just scream “fatty” pantyhose on the package and why are they always found either very top or very bottom of a rack? These must be for the midget fatties or the very tall fatties. Apparently averaged sized fatties do not exist on planet earth.
I will admit these were slightly better then one-size and many came with your “suck the gut in” panels in the front. What a good idea. Even I, cynical underwear shopper was impressed. I bought not one, but two pairs of these marvelous Queen sized miracles.
When I got home I ripped open a package, drooling like a hound dog just thrown a meaty bone and started to put a pair on. I did the gathering of the clans procedure to get down to the bottom and tentatively stuck my foot in; so far so good. I repeated the same procedure on the other side. Everything seemed a go. I started pulling them up, past the ankle, past the calf, up the thi…hello, all of a sudden my thighs snapped together so tight I couldn’t move. The “gut sucking” panel was doing its job on my upper thighs.
Must not panic, I could feel the beads of sweat starting to form. All that was going through my head was being stuck forever in a pair of girdle wrenching pantyhose and being discovered dead in a thigh locked position, propped up against the bathroom sink.
I grasped firmly upon the corset type material and pulled bravely and my poor thighs were released. I then finished pulling them up and up and up.
`Good grief the upper portion A.K.A. “gut sucker” went plumb up to my ribs.
Oh well, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about them slipping down to my crotch. I smiled a self-satisfyingly cheshire cat like grin in the mirror and finished dressing. The grin slid like grease lightening  off my face as I realized the pantyhose had suddenly developed a life of its own. The waistband began to roll down to my belly button at the speed of light. At the same time the crotch area began slipping and the pantyhose was quickly assuming elephant-like wrinkles around my ankles.
I spent the day alternatively trying to keep the pantyhose from dragging my skirt off me from the top where the rolling waist band was threatening to roll over the waistband of my skirt and trying to look nonchalant as I pulled pantyhose up my legs in a desperate attempt to keep the hose from wrinkling at my ankles as I walked down the hallways of my workplace.
By the end of the day the pantyhose were basically shredded and so were my nerves. Needless to say the second pair of demon hose went into the trash unopened.
Now I have found some pairs that stay sucked to you all the way up, promising girdle-like lovely legs and gut sucking all in one. I have had some luck with these, but you do need plenty of time and patience to haul these up past the ankle. For heaven sake do not, I repeat, do not attempt to put on a pair of these babies just out of the shower with your skin still damp! Disastrous results may ensue. Actually, I strongly believe they should come with a warning about that.
I have found putting these on can be done, but make sure finger nails are extremely short and be sure to get the ones with a re-enforced toe
at the bottom. Especially if you have to struggle to get those bunion inducing high-heeled shoes on. Nothing feels worse then torn out panty-hose toes and believe me I’ve had my share. We women all know runs can be taken care of with clear nail polish. I have had to stop mine with every color of the rainbow because I rarely use it and have to borrow my teenage daughter’s supply. My hose may be dotted with pink, purple, orange and various colors with sparkles. Just pretend you mean to make a fashion statement and head bravely out into the world.
Heads up all Queen-sized, pantyhose wearing ladies out there. Someday a perfect pair of hose will be made. After all, science as done great things. Computers, cell phones, medical miracles.
Darn, these panties. I must tell you about them sometime. I really can’t at the moment, the crotch just ripped out of my pantyhose.

Submitted: January 18, 2009

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