God this is hard

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
A letter written from a girl to her ex fiance

Submitted: December 10, 2011

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Submitted: December 10, 2011

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God this is so hard to admit . . . we’re over.

That even hurts to type, hurts even more to say it out loud.

I love you. I always have and I know a big part of me always will. Over the last 2 years you have become like the centre of my universe and it hurts knowing that what we have is over.

For the last 2 years you have been the one I turn to when I need someone. You’re the person I share all my secrets and feelings with, and you never made me feel nervous or scared about telling you how I felt. If anything ever happened in my life you were the first person I would think of telling. You were automatically the first person I’d text in the mornings and the last person I would be texting before bed.

We planned an entire future together without rushing into anything. We talked about kids and the house we would one day have. You even proposed to me and we talked about having a wedding in 2 years time, you even picked the date August 17th 2013. You made my life complete. You made me believe in love again.

I’m not stupid though. Things weren’t perfect between us. They were good, but never perfect but that’s okay as no relationship ever is perfect. However the faults we had I realise now were always going to end us. You never seemed to be able to trust me enough to be honest with me about the people in your life, and because you lied to me over and over again I began to lose my trust in you. When I started losing my trust in you, you began to act like it was my fault I could no longer trust you when in actual fact it was you who had lied to me over and over again and made me feel the way I did and made me think the way I did. I tried so many times to forget the lies you had told me, but because I found out there were so many different lies it always made me wonder what other lies you had told me that I just hadn’t found out about.

With all the emotions that were there we began to argue over really stupid things that didn’t even matter. Before we moved in with each other we lived miles apart, granted we saw each other nearly every weekend but there was always this part of us that had lives miles apart from each other, and that never bothered me until the lies started. It made me realise that you had this entire separate life that I wasn’t a part of and that honestly scared me, so to feel like I was more of a part of that world I would ask you questions about what you were up to and who you were seeing. When you were at mine and talking to people from home I would ask who it was so that I felt like I knew what was going on in your life. However you used to always freak out and think that I was demanding to know what you were talking about and your entire conversations when I never wanted that! All I ever wanted was to have a conversation with you where you involved me in this other world of yours! You used to always be like ‘you don’t trust me’, ‘why do you need to know everything?’, ‘it's got nothing to do with you!’ and the fact that you were that horrible and that reluctant to share anything with me just always made me wonder what you were hiding and why you wouldn’t want me knowing simply who you were talking to. It made no sense to me why you would be so secretive and why you would be like that. All I could think is that there were more lies. What I never understood was why you felt the need to lie if there wasn’t anything to hide? I mean you don’t just randomly decide to lie to your girlfriend and then fiancée about things unless there was a reason why.

Anyway even though we had all these issues you asked me to move in with you and move to Southampton with you for when you started uni. And honestly that was one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make. Part of me wanted to go with you and have this exciting new life with you, but another huge part of me wondered if it was the right thing for me to do, moving away from everyone I loved and leaving behind everything I had, to move 600 miles away with a guy who was still at this point lying to me over stupid little things. I loved you, I really did but I wasn’t sure that what we had at that point was worth all the heartache and pain. Shortly before we moved we had a big argument over a lot of stupid stuff that had mounted up and I broke off the engagement. When that happened I really did think it would be the best idea for everyone if I didn’t move with you. But you kept asking me to come, kept saying you’d make things better, that there wouldn’t be any more lies so I gave you the chance to make things right between us and I moved with you. . . may not have been the smartest thing I’ve ever done but I loved you and I did want all this with you. So yeah we moved to Southampton together.

The first few weeks in Southampton went fairly smooth, it was fun being in our own flat in a new town, but at the same time it felt like a holiday that was going to end soon, to be honest sometimes it still feels like a holiday. One weekend shortly after we moved here you said you were off out to do a little bit of shopping and to go to PC World to get something and you’d be like an hour or 2 tops. You were gone for about 5 hours! When I asked you were you were you said you were just out exploring and that you had got lost looking for something. I immediately knew you were lying. It’s like impossible to get lost here, everything is so close together and we knew our way around this town before we’d even moved here thanks to our 2 holidays here. Anyway when you got back I asked you again what took so long and you lied to my face saying that again you had got lost and were just exploring by yourself. It hurt so much having you lie to me face, I will never be able to explain what that feels like, looking at the one you love whilst they are lying to your face and not giving a shit about the fact that they are lying. Anyway later on that night you admitted you had met up with your ex who had moved here to for uni. You finally told me how you had spent the afternoon with her. I couldn’t believe that after I had given up everything to move here and be with you that you would lie to me about something like this so soon after moving here.

After that we had a few arguments and things between us got pretty icy. However we managed to work through that simply because I refused to think about it. We got better but not by much. The readjustments we were both facing living here were getting to be a big problem between us. You had your uni life and your uni friends for company and for some excitement and I had no one. This wasn’t your fault though, I just hadn’t found a job yet where I would be able to met people. But until I did meet people I was relying on you not only to be my partner but to be my friend as well, but that’s not how things were. We would fight over stupid things again. I’d get annoyed at you for coming in all happy when I would be sad. I’d get annoyed at you for not making things more fun for me and you’d get annoyed at me for being in a mood with you when you got in and you’d get annoyed at me because you thought I wasn’t interested. The most annoying part of all this was that I would tell you what was wrong but you wouldn’t ever tell me anything. You didn’t tell me anything about how you felt until after you’d broken my heart and dumped me.

You dumping me was such a huge surprise for me, it was honestly not something I expected. Yeah we had our issues but we always worked through them so when you just decided you didn’t want me anymore it broke my heart.

Your mum, aunt and uncle had decided to come down for a few days and honestly it had pissed me off, not that they were here cause although we had issues me and your mum and dad, I always loved your aunt and uncle and thought it was awesome that they were here. But no what pissed me off was again the lack of warning before they suddenly turned up. It was the2nd time within a very short time frame that your mum had randomly decided to come up here without any warning and I didn’t think that was fair. Your mum made it feel like she was going to be constantly coming up here to check up on us and make sure you were okay. It really pissed me off as it made me remember the time when she told me that you being with me made you ill. It just felt like all the shite that had gone on over the last year since your birthday was still going on! I thought that us moving away and starting our own life meant just that. That we were starting a new life and all that petty crap would disappear but it didn’t. Your mum still made me feel completely worthless and like I wasn’t good enough to be with you. Anyway when they were down there was also some shite going on with my own family, jade in particular so I happened to post something on facebook aimed at jade. However your sister and your entire family took it upon themselves to assume everything was about them and that resulted in your sister sending me a bitchy long ass message on facebook laying into me, which was fucking well unfair, even when told the truth I got no apology just further grief from your family when you decided to break up with me over a facebook status.

After your family went we actually spoke about some stuff and you told me that you weren’t ready for settling down and marrying someone, you said you weren’t having fun and you were too young for all this. You also told me that you were fed up with all the crap between me and your family.

You made me feel like everything was my fault! That it was my fault they didn’t like me or think I was good enough! And I honestly thought that was a load of shit! It made me so mad that you had apparently been feeling this way for awhile and just never told me! If you had told me certain things as they were happening we may have been okay, we could have talked about things and made some changes so that we were all happy but no you decided you were just going to bottle it all up and then walk away.

What really sucks is that we are stuck in this flat together until the lease runs out. It is causing so many fucking issues within my head everything that is going on. I can’t move on because we live together and you are as confusing as fuck, yet we aren’t going to get back together as you aren’t ready for that again.

But everything is so confusing. Whenever I try to leave to go home you beg me to stay saying Southampton wouldn’t be home without me, yet you don’t want us to be anything either. I mean you want ‘us’ that’s kind of clear but I don’t want to just be a friend with benefits. You can’t be friends with benefits when you’ve had your heart broken by that friend. It takes time to be okay and that’s not something we have.

You keep saying you want us to work on things and be okay again but I’m realising more and more lately that, that’s not what’s happening. You are getting the best of both worlds whilst I am being fucked about and confused as fuck! I don’t know how you feel or what the hell is going on most of the time and it really sucks.

The longer I wait for you and the more I sit and wonder what’s going on the more I begin to realise that you don’t want us back together, you are just trying to keep me sweet whilst we are stuck living together and I’m not okay with that. The whole not wanting to be ‘together’ thing I realised was because your parents have made it clear how they feel about me and you together, you told me yourself that they said you can do what you want but they don’t want anything to do with me, which in all fairness is fucked seeing as you’re the one who lied constantly and hurt me all I ever did was put up with the lies until it got too much and I couldn’t take anymore from you, I spent hours looking after you when you were ill, I spent ages making you feel better when your parents made you cry or feel like shite, I was there for you when you broke down as everything was getting to much, I did nothing but be there for you and love you and your parents have the nerve to treat me like crap, its fucked and you know it. You want everything that comes with being with me, yet without being with me so your parents are cool with everything that you do and I’m not going to be that girl. I’m not going to be kept out of everything and made to feel like some ones dirty little secret because their parents don’t approve of me, I never wanted their approval. It was you I was meant to be marrying not your family.

Over the last few weeks since we split up I have been trying so hard to try and work out everything I’m feeling and understand everything that is going on and I think I’ve finally reached that point of clarity. We can’t get back what we lost. This Christmas we were meant to be spending it at my house with my family together. Now it’s going to be us in 2 separate towns not talking and having nothing to do with each other until we are back here in this flat trying to survive each day. I don’t want to keep barely surviving the day, I want to be living and having a good time. I find it so hard to accept the fact that Christmas isn’t going to be what it was meant to be this year, and I know that if Christmas is spent apart then I will never forgive you for ruining everything. But I know it will be spent apart, you have all these plans to go home and see all your friends. Seeing you make all these plans with friends and family lately has also made me realise how much things have changed, they never liked me and never will like us being together and that’s not something you can deal with therefore we will always keep ending back here in heartache.

Everyday it’s like a daily battle to get up and pretend that I am okay with how we are living, that I’m fine with not being your fiancée, that it doesn’t break my heart to look at you and know everything we have lost is never coming back. No matter how hard we try to make things better we just can’t do it. There is always going to be this massive issue between us that stops us being us and stops us being happy. I am going insane trying to act like I’m not falling apart, I just can’t do it anymore, this in between stages is just too confusing and to hard for me.

I’m the type of girl who wants to be someone’s girl. I want someone to be proud to be with me and not afraid to say it. I want to be with someone who thinks I’m worth sticking around for, that I’m good enough whether his family and friends agree or not. I want to be with someone who makes everyday something new and exciting. Someone who isn’t afraid to do the little things like walking on the grass barefoot or going paddling in the sea, I want someone who doesn’t mind me wanting pictures of us and each other. I want someone who wants to be with me for me, someone who is willing to stick it out through the bad times knowing that the good times are worth it. I’m not the type of girl to be someone’s secret, I’ve done that before and it’s not fun and it’s not exciting.  I’m not saying it has to be marriage and kids for me or nothing but at the same time I’m not okay with just ‘hooking up’ with someone and having nothing come from it.

Everything that’s gone on lately has just made me realise that Christmas alone means the end of us. There won’t be no more trying, there won’t be no more pretending things are okay and going to get better. Christmas alone is just that. Christmas alone, and single. Christmas is going to be the turning point of everything. When I get back from Christmas it will be time to sort out moving home and leaving this flat behind. You will be sorting out new accommodations for yourself and I will be moving home and we will both be moving on.

As much as it breaks my heart reaching this point with you and knowing that there is no hope for us, it would only destroy me to continue living here, always holding on to the hope that one day it will be something more than this. I have to leave for me to get a part of me back. I have to get back to being okay with who I am and what’s going on in my life. There has just been too much crap between us and not enough good memories lately for me to stay and continue putting myself through the pain.


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