The Democrat’s Dilemma

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is a satire about choosing a presidential candidate

The Democrat’s Dilemma

The 26 party leaders sat gloomily around the large conference table. There were Democratic presidents and vice-presidents, former Democratic house speakers and minority leaders, former Democratic senate leaders, and former DNC chairs. They were the most important automatic delegates (formerly know a super delegates) to the 2020 Democratic National convention to be held in Milwaukee in a few months. They had assembled secretly in a mountain retreat so that no reports of what they said or did could ever be made public in any manner. The Coronavirus gave them perfect cover because it was assumed that they were all sheltering in place at home. The Senate Minority leader was presiding over the event. He stood up to speak.

“Well, this time Jittery Joe has gone too far, telling a black man he isn’t black if he doesn’t vote for him. It’s bad enough that he can’t finish a complete sentence without fumbling the words, that he can’t remember where he is or what day of the week it is, and that people think he is senile. We could have countered the sex charges against hm and his deals with Ukraine and China, but there’s nothing we can do about this. Trump will demolish him in the debates.”

He looked around the table to see if anyone disagreed with him, no one did, so he continued.

“We can’t let him be our nominee! We must find someone else.”

“But how can we stop him?” a former senator asked.

“I have a plan for that, but first we must agree on a replacement”

“Governor Cuomo” someone said, and everyone voiced their agreement. Then the former DNC chair spoke up.

“But he has said publicly that he would not accept, and I know for a fact that he meant it.”

“True", said the Minority leader, "but he has a brother that looks like him, and we can run him and still use the Cuomo name.”

There was complete silence in the room as everyone looked around the room to assess how the suggestion was being receive. The leader used the moment to explain how it would work.

“Chris is well known to our supporters as a reporter on CNN. He looks like a younger version of his brother and looks great on TV. He would be great in the debates.”

“But he has no experience.” The former house speaker said.

“That doesn’t matter, we’ll tell him what to do, like we always have. We can sell him! ‘Vote for Cuomo’, most people won’t know the difference. Nobody knows that the governor’s first name is Andrew. We can use his initials, C.C. I Visualize him on a sleek Chris Craft boat. Same initials. We make that his image, like they do with movie stars. I can see him in a captain’s hat, hands on the steering wheel, in control. Underneath the photo is a caption, “Racing into the future”. It’s a perfect slogan, because it doesn’t mean anything. Our followers will love it. It will give them an excuse to vote for him. That’s all they need. They’ll want whatever we are promising to give them at the moment.”

“But what about the independent voters?” someone asked.

“Yes, they are a problem, they tend t think too much. But they wouldn’t vote for Joe anyway, so it doesn’t matter”.

There were murmurs of agreement and affirmative shaking of people’s heads.

“So what’s your plan for doing this?” a former president asked.

The minority leader smiled, it was something they had never seen him do before, then he spoke.

“This Coronavirus has been a blessing to us, it has enabled our governors to create laws out of thin air and enforce them. It has taught people how to obey even the most outrageous demands. That will come in handy in the future. In addition to that, it opened a door for us. As of today there are still sixteen states that have not held their primaries because of it. Right now Joe has one thousand and twenty six delegates pledged to him, and he needs four hundred sixty five more to clinch the nomination. If he doesn’t get them, we have a brokered convention. Then we can choose our candidate.”

He paused to look around the room and judge the reaction to what he had said.

“How are you going to deny him the votes of the sixteen states?” someone asked.

“That’s another great thing about this Coronavirus, it justifies mail in voting, and we can manage that. California and some other states already do it. We tell the governors to promote “favorite son” candidates on the ballots, write them in if they have to, and make clear their preference for them. Tell them to slow down the process so that the minimum possible people vote, our voters. A lot of ballots get lost in the mail for months, we might lose thousands of them. It won’t be a problem, most of the people are only voting for Joe because there‘s no one else, It should work.”

“What if the governors don’t want to cooperate?” someone said.

“Promise them we’ll fund their pet projects, or give them positions in the new administration. Whatever it takes. If we lose it won’t make any difference, if we win we can do whatever we want to do.”

“This is going to upset a lot of Joe’s supporters,” a voice called out.

“They’ll get over it, they always do. Once we’re back in power and handing out the goodies, all will be forgotten.”

Nobody could disagree with that, so they unanimously voted for the plan. It worked!  A few months later Chris Cuomo was made the Democratic party’s presidential candidate.

On September 29th 2020 the two candidates met at Notre Dame University for their first debate. Many of the millions of people watching on television were surprised by how young Cuomo looked. Their image of the man they voted for was the tired expression of the governor they remembered talking about the deaths in New York. When the CNN moderator introduce him as Chris Cuomo the accomplished reporter from his network, those people finally realized how they had been misled, but they didn’t really care.

As expected, the first question was about the Coronavirus. Both participants would be given two minutes to answer the same question: “Why do you think that the government mishandled the Coronavirus pandemic?” Cuomo, the challenger, was chosen to answer first.

“President Trump didn’t take it seriously enough from the beginning. He said it would disappear like a miracle. He compared it to the flu. More than one hundred thousand Americans died from it! The government was slow to start mass testing, and when they did the tests were bad. He promoted an untested drug that caused a man to take fish tank cleaner and die. He refused to order the thousands of ventilators that hospitals required. He insisted calling it the Wuhan virus, insulting millions of Chinese Americans. He wanted people to go back to work by Easter, which would have been disastrous. He..”

A buzzer sounded and the announcer thanked Cuomo and told him his time was up. He then asked President trump to respond.

“That was the most loaded question I’ve ever heard, but I’m not surprised to hear it coming from the fakest of all fake new channels! Your party has been using the Wuhan virus as a justification of violating our constitution for months.  Congratulations Sissy, you memorized the answers to the questions you were given ahead of time very well. The truth is that bureaucratic obstacles and technical shortcomings caused the delay. The early travel restrictions I placed on China saved thousands of lives. That fish tank story is some more of your fake news! Wanda Lenius said she and her husband each consumed four times the legal limit as a spur of the moment thing. They weren’t my supporters, they saw hydroxychloroquine being used in China and then did that. I’ve been taking  hydroxychloroquine every day,  with my doctors approval, and I’m fine. I’m finished with this witch hunt you call a debate. Goodbye.

 As the president walked off the stage the announcer was frozen with his mouth open, not knowing what to say. In the control room they panicked, not knowing what do with more than an hour of airtime remaining and nothing to show. The producers anguished over the lost advertising revenue, then decided to run commercials for the rest of the hour. Across the country the 26 party leaders realized that the debacle they had created was about to sink their party. Twenty five of them unanimously agreed to place the blame on the Senate Minority leader.


Submitted: June 03, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Tuxie. All rights reserved.

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Raven Akuma

Haha, nice! A good piece that really reflects some of the ridiculousness in modern politics. Very well-written, too. Good work! :)

Wed, June 3rd, 2020 8:58pm

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Reply

Thanks again, I hadn't seen this reply when I sent you the other response.

Thu, June 4th, 2020 11:12am

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