"Shades Of Blue"

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Came to me randomly and decided to write about it.

Submitted: February 10, 2011

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Submitted: February 10, 2011

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"I'll be home soon" she said smiling, and the world breathed peace.

What else could I do? She had her mind set on going, it would've been wrong for me to keep her away... right? That’s what i tell myself sometimes, and the voices stop.

I remember how her long, polished blonde tresses flew back against the wind as she ran towards the car, swimming in an ocean of blue.  She was the very picture of innocence and all that was good, frail and beautiful like a doll, her cerulean dress brilliant against her milky white skin.

I think of this from time to time. It almost always makes me vomit.

“Be careful!” I called out to her; she was already reaching for the car handle. She turned to face me blowing a kiss and said “I love you.”

In that moment I thought my smile would never fade. I was wrong.

I watched them drive away, poster boards with painted protests could be seen from the back windows. I entered the house and got straight to work. For some reason I had found that more important than supporting her. But I guess in a way I still was. She was so dedicated to her convictions, id sit and listen to her rants almost every night, smile roll my eyes and laugh “Whatever you say honey.” Maybe I should’ve taken her seriously. Maybe the government had been wrong, maybe it was unjust. Maybe I was too afraid to see that. Well, these thoughts are meaningless now.

It’s hard- getting all this out.  My hands tremble mirroring the tumult happening inside. But I will be strong; for once I will not fail.

I turned on the television and watched the news intently waiting for some word of the protest. My eyes grew weary, my tongue singed by the coffee that was failing its purpose. I felt the relief of sleep and I welcomed it, shutting my eyes, drifting, drifting. That’s when I heard him, and I was wide awake, as though a bolt of lightning had passed through me and shocked my heart. It was the newscaster speaking to me as though I was in a dream, “There has been a riot in front of the capitol building. It seems 3 have been shot dead. We bring you to our news reporter James Keenan who is on the scene….” I was out the door before he could finish his thought.

I wish I could breathe. I’ve never had this much trouble breathing, except for that night. It was so late, I remember thinking air, I need air, and Lily oh why does my chest hurt so. It aches now to, so much more than before. Where is my air? My girl? It all feels so distant now.

I felt like my car couldn’t start fast enough. How many stop signs I missed, lights I blew none of it mattered. I guess all the cops were at the riot. I was going so fast the houses, the cars, the lights they were all blurs melting into one another, like the thoughts racing through my head. Then I hit the traffic, I guess it was caused by the hundreds of protestors, just a few blocks ahead. I pulled over and got out, my lungs strained, and I suddenly wished I hadn’t poisoned them for years with Lucky Strikes. Lily always said I should quit. They seemed to be failing me now, but my legs, they kept on running. Suddenly the shouts were audible over the honking and transit. Screams, my God the screams, they crashed over me like waves breaking my spirits and tripling my hearts speed. There was panic, signs and posters abandoned and trampled dreams, hopes shattered. What was this feeling? Fear. I pushed through the crowd searching, terrified of what I might find. I screamed her name, I screamed until my throat ached and my vision blurred.

I can’t really see even now. I haven’t been able to see straight for a while. Everything’s so hazy my eyes confused. I’m so empty. Hollow, a shell is all that remains. Nothing is all that remains, I am nothing.

I looked for the blue, that wonderful shade of blue, her long blonde hair emanating life and brilliance. But found nothing. Up ahead there was a small crowd gathered, what was that sound? Crying?  I pushed through the sea of people and was knocked to the ground. The pavement was sticky and wet. Blood. My eyes grew wide in horror and someone ran over me. I remember thinking this hurts, God why is this happening? A child was lying next to me. She no longer seemed to be breathing. I let out a cry and stumbled to my feet. It was clear she had been crushed in the chaos of night. I wanted to move her away from the discord, but I knew she’d fall apart if I touched her. Her fingers were so tiny so white, delicate like my Lily’s. Where was she? Oh how could I let her go…I fought the tears and moved closer to the circle of people just a few feet in front of me, I felt like I was staring at the eye of the storm. When I reached them I had finally found the blue.

Sweat is dripping from every pore it seems, my chest feels as though it’s closing in. I want to vomit but I must hold it down. For you my love, I will hold back the nausea. The tremors are almost unbearable now.

I looked down and stared straight into Hell, into a nightmare of incredulous horrors. There I saw the blue soiled and ruined by red. It was the very picture of innocence stolen, frailty destroyed. There were no curls, but a mess of dirty blonde hair in knots ridden with blood. I fell to my knees. “No” I said barely above a whisper, “Noo” again and again growing louder till my blood became liquid fire. I screamed and I cursed, and was held back from her body as I threw myself upon her. “Let me go!” I cried. I wrestled from their grasp to no avail. “My love, oh my dearest love, how I’ve failed you, I have always failed you” I allowed the tears to fall as I told her corpse these words. As though this had offered them some comfort they unleashed me and I fell to her. Brushing back her hair I saw her eyes were still open, frozen in that moment, full of fear and sadness. Not the hope and love they once held. Pulling her close to me I cried like a child who has lost their mother, or how the parents of the deceased child will when they find her.  Everything in that moment stopped. I heard no more screams, saw no more running only heard my sobs and felt my heart beat as it throbbed.

I think it’s slowing down now, aching the way it had back then, except this time for more physical reasons. I can barely keep my eyes open, but I will for you Lily. Anything for you. For who am i? Nobody.

I clung what once was my future close to my heart, till the paramedics arrived and the streets cleared. I don’t know how long I had been kneeling there. But like a statue I refused to sway. I watched them take my girl from me. My body was weak, my eyes burned from the tears that wouldn’t stop. My heart cried when they pulled that child off the concrete and took her away to. Who was there to mourn for her? Where was her family? Did they let her out of their sight like I did to my Lily..? These thoughts don’t seem to matter now.

After the autopsy I was called in to hear what had happened. It was as I had thought she had been shot; only it had been 4 times. As though they hated her and wanted to make her an example of their power. There was one thing I didn’t know though, and when I heard it I sobbed for 3 nights. The sutures never healed. I never went to the funeral. I’ve never visited her grave. A coward is all that I am, too afraid to face what I have done. What I failed to do. It’s been 20 days since that fateful day. My arms bear 20 wounds to mark each of them spent without her, some still sting. I can no longer live like this, why live when all you wanted has been stolen? What’s my purpose if it’s not making her happy?  I don’t want it to hurt anymore; this loneliness is pain I can no longer bear. The euphoric release is no longer enough to turn off the voices. This is the end for me and all that I am.

The pills are really kicking in now. Infiltrating my system, and tearing my soul apart.The stomach pains grow stronger, my heart weaker, my body cold as it steps closer to the sweet embrace of death.

I hope you never let go of what you love, that it is never stolen from you by the night, or the evils of this world. I lost the two people I loved the most that day. Along with my sanity. I will be with them again tonight, my wife and unborn child.

“I’ll be home soon.” she lied and the world screamed fire.



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