My life and what will come.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A glimpse into my life and my plan to turn it around. I just started today so I don't have much content yet. Lots more to come though.

Submitted: April 16, 2011

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Submitted: April 16, 2011

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It has always amazed me how one single action can drastically alter the outcome of any given situation. You live your entire life surrounded by infinite possibilities yet act surprised when things don't go as planned. Before I go on I would like to clarify one thing: The following writings are not meant to be taken as a story. Maybe you can learn from my mistakes or find some humor in my failings as we all love to do or perhaps you will just enjoy it for what it is, a glimpse into the mind of an average guy who is down on his luck. I have always been proud of my ability to take responsibility for my actions and although nobody likes to pay for their mistakes, I do so not because I feel compelled to but because I figured out a long time ago that the sooner you pay your debt to karma, the sooner you can get on with your life. To the outside observer, my life would appear to be one long line of bad choices, missed opportunities and failures. Now this may be true to a point but, as we all know, things happen outside the realm of our control and sometimes we are completely helpless to remedy them as we sit and watch our world collapse around us. Let me give you some background on me: I am less than 2 weeks away from turning 29, I have a job that will get me nowhere that I am about to lose anyway, I was married briefly and I haven't seen my 2 and a half year old daughter in about 15 months (not by choice, well touch on that later), I am a high school drop out with a GED that has done nothing but collect dust for the 10 or so years I've had it and within the last few days, I lost the woman that I loved, my "soulmate" if you believe in such things. My future outlook is very grim as I write this but in a sick way I'm content. I have always loved to be challenged and what better challenge than reconstructing the pieces of a broken but once promising life? I was your run of the mill underachiever, bright but lazy and my dreams always took precedent over my reality. My ambitions were huge yet I lacked the patience to pursue them. Patience always was a weak point for me. And while we're at it I suppose that it wouldn't hurt to confess my other weaknesses. I have a weakness for women and alcohol and consequently, these 2 combined have been the source of many of my woes. I can be incredibly lazy and procrastinate with the best of them and, I am definitely guilty of short sightedness. I believe in true and undying love and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm moody, opinionated, selfish, stubborn and a total smart ass. Now I know that it may seem that I'm being hard on myself but that is not the case. If we all take an honest personal inventory of our negative traits, I'm sure that yours would look a lot like mine plus or minus a few adjectives here and there. Although I have friends and a family that loves me, I always feel out of place in most situations and suffer the silent burden of nobody truly "getting me". I know it's a cliche but that is my position none the less. There are a few people in my life that I click very well with but only one has ever really known and understood me, the aforementioned "soulmate". As my relationship with her is the reason I decided to write this, I will be touching on her and us from time to time but this is not a love story I assure you. As i write this, I'm already losing interest in this endeavor. Why am I doing this? Who is gonna read it? What's the point? I had an urge to close the laptop, smoke a cigarette and take the dog for a walk but not this time. I shall press on and complete what I set out to do for once. Let me tell you a little about my dog. He is a purebred Siberian Husky and he is beautiful and full of energy. he is also stubborn and I kid you not, trolls my life harder and more effortlessly than most humans could ever hope to. He is a lot of work but I love my dog and he is part of my dysfunctional family. Anyway.... I would like to say something and if you agree, go ahead and say it with me. I am a loser. The only thing that I have been consistently successful doing in my life so far is losing. Sure, I have some accomplishments that I am very proud of but the fact remains. I have decided to embrace my losses and learn from them. I am going to take a long, hard and honest look at my life and make changes as i see fit. The mere prospect of change makes me nervous but the current plan for my life has proved fruitless and I may be a fool but I'm not an idiot. Change is necessary and natural and I'm glad that I am finally realizing that. In my case, I think the key is to start small. Deviate from normal behavior, set small goals and accomplish them and reward myself when I do. I have always been a very repetitive creature. I find comfort in patterns and ritual. This is just how I am but here is the problem: the patterns and rituals that I follow are more often than not, detrimental to my well being. Why do I do this? Am I happy in my role as the misunderstood, tortured soul or did I just never think to reach higher? Am I so convinced that I'm not worthy of happiness that I accept my role? Perhaps Im too afraid to pursue anything out of fear of failure. The truth is that I simply don't know. I hope to find answers to these questions throughout these writings and upon enlightenment, will share the outcome. I think that I've done a good job so far of painting an accurate picture of one side of my being so allow me to introduce you to the other. I am intelligent, good looking and I have the god given talent of being a leader although I rarely invoke it. I am as loyal as they come, a faithful boyfriend and a loving father. I mostly always root for the under dog and take real delight in helping people in their time of need. I believe myself to be an all around good person but the problem is, I do have a very dark side and I do have problems controlling it. Im overweight due to my love for food and in bad health due to my love of cigarettes and alcohol. I don't do drugs but who needs them when I can effectively ruin my life on my own. Point being, I prefer the easy road and this fact has ultimately led to my downfall. I have lost so many things due to my inaction but I see that now. I dont remember who said it or where I heard it but this quote always stuck with me. "if you try, you might fail. If you don't try, you will fail". Moving on. I am an addict. I am addicted to cigarettes and energy drinks. My self control lately has been questionable at best yet i refused to see it as a contributing factor to my shit life. I can't even find the balls to do something as simple as not drinking a certain beverage but I bitch when "things don't go my way". I wan't to make this perfectly clear: I am responsible for my life and I alone can fix it. When all is said and done, the only person that you can count on is yourself. Another cliche I know but they're cliches for a reason. Reading back over this so far I can see that I am definitely getting off track so I'll try to reign it in a little bit. Reign? Correct usage? Whatever. I will crawl out of and rise above this hell I have created for myself and you are cordially invited to join me through the process. Nothing will be edited out due to fear of embarassment and nothing will be glamorized to indicate faux progress. There is a good chance that I will fail but that's no reason not to try. That's all for now but please allow me to put in a personal note. You know who you are. If You're reading this, know that I Love You. Know that I never meant to hurt you and know that you can never be replaced. 4-16-11 11:32 am.

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As I write this I feel that I am at my soul crushingly lowest. As a man, a lover and a father. I ate breakfast and took the dog for a walk and during my walk, as expected, my thoughts drifted to her. Does she miss me like I miss her? is it too late? Will I ever again hold her or hear her say that she loves me? I'm filled with regrets and I feel helpless to alleviate my suffering. I know that this is natural but that fact makes the pain no less real. I have so much too fix that I don't even no where to start. I feel like if I only had her by my side everything would be ok but my logical side knows this to be false. I looked into the mirror and set a plan of action for the day. I felt like a weirdo and lowered my voice even though there is nobody else here and it felt good. I cannot rely on her to deliver me from my loneliness and regret. I check my phone, she didn't call. I'm not surprised but yet I hope. Will she call? I just don't know. Was our bond so unbreakable that despite our current situation we will be happy together once again? What led to this? Will she take me back? Do I actually want her back or is my ego calling the shots? My heart feels tight and every now and then I will have to fight back a few tears but the bottom line is, I am a man and I need to act like one. Am I hurt? Absolutely. Will it make any difference if I pout and be depressed all day? No. One good thing about having your heart broken multiple times is the fact that you learn how to deal with it better each time. I will let my emotions run their course but they will not control me. I feel that I can get through my day without her and I will. It feels like sleep is my only release from the pain now but I'm confident that I can overcome this. But, defying logic and what I know is best in this situation I still wonder.... Is she thinking of me?

4-16-11 12:20 pm

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I wrote a few paragraphs shedding some light on the background of "us" but my laptop crashed and I lost the info. I guess this is the universes way of telling me that this is not the time. Or maybe technology is the biggest troll of all. At any rate, I will continue on despite my momentary setback and we will delve deeper into "us" at a later time. I would like to share an observation with you. We spend our lives looking to the future and the hypothetical "good life" that we are working towards. We stare into an obscure and possibly non existent day while time devours our past and indecision steals the present. Tens of thousands of people die every single day and many of them are robbed of their future prematurely by murder, accidents or a number of other things.It's really pathetic that we treat our lives in such a negligible way. Our impact on the universe is laughable on an individual basis yet we hold our sorrows, beliefs and fears in the highest regard. I am guilty of wasting my life but I shall do so no more. We have these amazing bodies and minds yet we rot them away with fast food and television. I'm not preaching here, I love mindless entertainment and junk food as much as the next guy but enough is enough.

4-16-11 2:38 pm


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