Happiness is the emotion that every person should experience everyday of their life... that's a fantasy. I haven't been happy for a long time, and the moment I am, I find out that I haven't been doing something right and whatever did is affecting the person I love.
Since I was a boy I have always struggled with finding peace... finding happiness. My fondest, Happiest childhood memory is the night my babysitter gave me something that was beyond recieving. The memory is as fresh as yesterday's.
I was lying in a dark room, asleep. The only visible light I could see was smothered underneath some heavy white curtains. A silhouette of a busty sixteen year old girl hovered over me. She spoke soft, trying not to wake my brothers and sisters who were scattered across the floor beneath us.
I wasn't too sure of what was happening of course, but when she put her breast to my lips I quickly understood what was going on...
She smiled and scoffed with a moan, it was quite... loud enough for me to hear, but silent enough not to wake other kids.
She caressed My 5 year old chest as I did it and stared down into my eyes. I REMEBER this sensation rising in my stomach. I've felt this sensation once before, it was the time I got the entire he-man set for my birthday. I was so happy... Then suddenly she just STOPPED. No warning or words. Just an abrupt stop.
This part confused me, I didn't know it was confusion at the time but I have always tried to figure it out. Did she do this because there was nothing left to take? Did she expect a five year old to take her to cloud nine?
It was over, I knew it was because the sensation had left my tummy, the amusement had turned into exhaustion, and the night had turned into to day...
To this day it is unclear to me how my parents found out, but I remember the day they did. It was night, I was looking for my parents, and if they weren't home they were at my grandma's.
When I enter my grandma's house It was quieter than it ever been. Usually, my aunts and all thier kids are here, ruff housing and partying, but to night seemed serious.
I could hear a familiar voice in the kitchen, it wasn't loud, there was no obscenity, they were talking low and sternly.
When I arrived at the threshold of the kitchen all conversation had stopped. My dad, mom, the babysitters mother, and my grandma we're sitting at a table.
My dad had the look on his face that I would grow to learn is his \"I can't believe it look\". My mom sat there with her head down. She didn't even look at me. The sitters mom stared right at me. I couldn't tell if she was mad or felt sorry for me. My grandma set with her hands collapsed together. She was the one leading this concerned conversation . The sitter was standing at the sink washing dishes with tears in her eyes. She didn't turn when she heard my voice like she always did. She just continued wasing. I knew whatever was going on was serious.
My dad quickly told me to go home. I hesitated, but like I said this was serious. Before I could scurry away the sitters mom said \"girl! Don't you got somethin to say to this boy?\" The sitter turned to me, her eyes were now raining tears. She said, \"I am so sorry Tyrell \". She ran out the kitchen and into the bathroom. I felt bad for her. She didnt do anything wrong, right???
As a grown man, I now understand that this isn't a memory of happiness, but a memory of confusion. I have been with a lot of women, but i cant love them like they want. Many will give me props or show me love because I sucked some older girls breast at a really young age... but what really happened to me after that?
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