Crimson Red Utopia

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: Booksie Classic
A student finds himself in a situation where he battles his conscience . His mind is disturbed by his actions and he undergoes a metamorphosis as a result of his decisions .

Submitted: June 04, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 04, 2014

A A A

A A A


When I opened my eyes the room was stained in crimson red blood which slowly dripped down

from the walls of this forsaken room. A horrific sight to witness for any sane person . But for me ,

it felt completely normal , almost natural and justified . I felt like I belonged in this sanguine fluid

filled room . The walls were covered in handprints , either mine or hers . Could have been both for

all I know . The curtains in this lady’s apartment which were so precious to her, turned wine red and

were soaked with this beautiful nectar . For the first time in several months I actually felt happy ,

ecstatic and captivated . All of the problems and worries faded away as I was looking at her cold

white body which lied beneath my feet . Her eyes were still opened and I could see the horror within

them that feeling of helplessness and fear, a feeling which no one could ever recapture . But that

only added to my satisfaction . Knowing that this woman is no longer with us made me feel truly

ecstatic . All of her secrets , fond memories and deeds were buried and enclosed in this lifeless ,

calm , dark utopia . While standing in this world of darkness and obscurity I was lost in thought . This

darkness which covered the room as the light flickered on and off put me into a trance. I knew that

I got away with what I had done . This old woman had no family , no friends . She was always alone .

The sole thought of me being able to keep the money for myself was incredible . The things I could

do , the things I could buy ! The incredible room for opportunity which has opened before me . I

could get back everything I have lost . These thoughts clouded my mind while I was aimlessly walking

around her blood red apartment . “There was no point in cleaning up the evidence “ , I thought .

“Nobody ever comes into this god forsaken apartment anyway” .

After several minutes , my mind calmed down and the satisfaction disappeared. In a calm fashion I

washed myself in her bath , picked up the knife and put it away into my pocket . I left the body as it

was , it felt like her petrifying gaze was always upon me as I was searching for money through her

belongings . When the light finally stopped flickering , full darkness came upon this room . I could

not see a thing . I tried to find my way around this bloody mess of an apartment , while stumbling

upon turned over furniture . Broken chairs and tables which she tried to use to protect herself were

scattered around her tiny room . As the clock ticked slowly , seconds , minutes , hours have passed b

without me noticing a thing . I was lost within my own mind . When I finally found the money, I was

filled with rage . The amount which she had was nothing compared to what I had expected . There

was one hundred American dollars stashed away under her bed in a tiny locket which I was lucky to

stumble upon while looking through the dark bedroom. When I went towards the exit door I slowly

turned around and had the last glance at the room . It was still . Dead silence had filled the air while

this lady was lying in the puddle of her own corrupted blood . The words “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME ! “

which she screamed from the top of her lungs, were like music to my ears. The way she begged me

on her knees while I was getting my knife . All those memories cycled through my head . The look

on her eyes when I landed the first blow , the pain and agony , the suffering . All of this torture she

went through added to my great satisfaction . As the blood splashed all over this apartment I felt

like never before , I felt powerful . When her carpet soaked up the fresh blood and when she tried

to stop the flow with her precious curtains. I felt like I would never forget this moment. And I was

right .

As I went out the door I saw people walking down from the floor above . It was a couple , a boy and

a girl who I have never seen before , yet their faces are forever engraved in my memory . At that

moment in time , I felt a change. The fear , the panic , the rush filled me from the inside was

unbearable . My hands began to shake rapidly and my eyes moved around at a high pace . My heart

started beating with an unimaginable speed , I thought it would jump out of my chest . My legs gave

up , I could not move or say a word . I just stood there as they passed by in a hurry . Our eyes met for

a split second . I thought they had it all figured out . Even after the left , I just stood by the door ,

shocked and paralyzed from my neck down . I didn’t know what to do . At one moment I felt like a

God . A person who could shape destiny and change the course of fate for other people with my

own two hands . But now , now I felt scared , I felt like the whole world was watching my every

action . I felt like everyone was my enemy . I locked the door behind me and hurried outside . It was

dark, cold and quiet . The moon was absent . Rain lashed down from the skies almost like the tears

from her hopeless eyes . In my torn pants and a black jacket which I had worn for the past year I

proceeded to walk , aimlessly . There was no set destination for where I was going . The dark streets

slowly were covered in puddles of cold water , the chill wind which hit my back reminded me of that

cold body which I left on the floor . Just like me , she was all alone , almost invisible , never to be

found by anyone . I had nowhere to go . This woman took the last thing which I had left in my life ,

my home , my house .I was always a nobody , but now it also felt like I didn’t belong anywhere . In

this cruel world where students try to make a living by selling drugs on the street and people die

from unknown diseases on the street , I did not belong . This world of poverty and anonymity had

corrupted me . Just a week ago I was an ordinary nineteen year old student . Right now , I don’t

know what I am anymore . I felt like that murder was justified , I felt like it was inevitable. But right

now , I am thinking about how I am going to live tomorrow , and the day after . I had no intention of

returning to that apartment , I just wanted to get away as fast as possible . That night was the

coldest night I had ever experienced . I stopped at the local bar but by the time I got there , the

doors were shut . My clothes were drenched and doubled in weight from the rain . The cold

concrete under my body felt like snow . The air was getting colder and colder every second . As my

eyes closed I hoped that would not freeze to death . I hoped that I would be able to wake up the

next morning .

It was fortunate that I was able to survive that night. I did not sleep well as my mind raced through

the events at the apartment. This time they terrified me . I felt like an animal with no heart or soul .

It was devastating . The euphoric feeling was gone and my conscience knew that I did the wrong

thing . My hand did not stop shaking . I felt like it wasn’t me who committed that horrible murder .

It was as if I was a criminal . Just like the ones in a newspaper . I knew that it wasn’t the real me

who did this horrible deed . I was a replica of somebody else. When I woke up , I could not feel my

fingers , the pain in my back was unbearable . The bruises started showing up on my face as a result

of last night’s incident. I was woken up by the sound of the birds singing and people walking around

the street . No one paid any attention to me lying on the ground , poor , lost , frozen and cold . In

their eyes I was just a nobody , another homeless person . At this stage my mind took over once

again . I attempted to justify my actions because “ this woman took my home . But why would I

kill her ?”, I thought to myself while lying outside on the stone cold concrete. “THIS IS INSANITY!” ,

I screamed from the top of my lungs . Suddenly , the people who previously would just walk by ,

stopped and stared at me . To me it felt like they were looking into my mind . their soul crushing

gaze woke the feeling of fear once again . Once again , I was a different person . I was afraid of

people , I was afraid of their thoughts and feelings . It felt like those people stared at me for an

eternity . I was ashamed and embarrassed . I quickly got up from my spot and ran down the street .

These emotions which I felt were not ordinary . It was quite the opposite actually to my usual self . I

used to be fun , life loving teenager . Even though I didn’t have much money , I used to enjoy every

moment of my school life . That was before I moved into this God forsaken place . This abyss which

they call New York . I was never happy in here , never had enough money to pay my rent , never

even had the money to be fed properly . The last letter which I received from my mother was from

her deathbed . That was two months ago. She left all of her money , but I had to spend them on a

respectable funeral . That day I was distraught , just like I am now . All of the painful memories piled

up in my head . I had nowhere to go , nowhere to be . I was thrown out of the university because I

wasn’t able to keep up with the payments and then my life turned to hell . This woman was my land

lord , she was an old hag who used to own my apartment . I told her about my situation and asked

her to wait another month before I was able to pay her back . But she declined and moved a family

of four into my tiny apartment . It was then when I decided to speak with her again . I went into her

apartment and demanded my home back . She was not satisfied with the money I had offered . She

began to laugh at my misfortunes and proceeded to throw my hard earned money on the ground .

She told me to never come back to her ever again . At that stage , rage filled within me , I picked up

the first object in her kitchen and landed the first blow . Her crimson red nectar spilled on the floor .

It was then , when I realised that I could decide the outcome , that I can change the course of fate .

And I did , I did it by turning into a vicious animal . But even then , it felt good . “Maybe that’s who I

really am” I thought to myself . Maybe , just maybe the feeling of being a God , or no , even the Devil

is the feeling which I wish to pursue .

My conscience battled for a long time while I was running down the deserted , dark , lifeless street .

I wasn’t sure of what to be and what to do . I have never really had any friends or enemies . No one

to go to , no one who could help .That night I went into the first bar which I happened to notice

at the corner of my eye . I drank and drank down all of my thoughts and sorrows , until I had lost

control of my actions . I met a woman named Naomi , her beautiful blond locks of hair were combed

perfectly to the side . her soft and gentle look mesmerised me . I could not take my eyes away from

her . When she noticed my gaze she slowly approached me . Her beautiful smile , and her ocean

blue eyes were getting closer and closer. My heart began to race . As she sat down on the brown

leather chair I slowly moved my hand to fix my hair , but was unable to do so due to my intoxication .

The clothes she wore stood out in a crowd with a bright red dress and crimson red lips she wasn’t

like anybody else . “why would she approach a guy like me?” I thought to myself . Without saying

a word she slowly put a piece of paper onto the table . A four digit number was written on it . “You

look lonely “ she said after I had read the note with great difficulty , as my vision had began to blur .

Without hesitation I threw the money on the table . It was ten American dollars , which in our time

was a big sum of money . She hastily picked up the cash and asked the bartender for a drink . As the

night came to an end my legs gave up , I was unable to stand . Naomi looked after me , just like a

mother would look after her child . I was thankful . She took me to her apartment nearby . When we

arrived , I rushed to bed , stumbling upon the furniture in her living room . The turned over chairs

and broken glassware covered the floor after my arrival . I fell into bed , and at that stage I was

reminded of the horrible events which occurred the previous night . When Naomi entered the room

I slowly began to talk . I thought that she would understand my pain , that she would comfort me in

her mother like arms . Tears dripped down my face , as I continued my story . My mind was racing

through the scarring memories , I was scared . I felt powerless and weak . When I looked up into her

eyes , I saw fear . Naomi quickly got up and ran for the telephone . I did not know what to do , I was

lost . My hands began to shake furiously, but then I felt it the feeling of power returned to me . I was

able to find the knife in my right pocket . Rage filled me from within . I go up and heard Naomi talk to

the police . This feeling once again took over . fear and sadness faded away and were taken over by

rage and bloodlust . I was an animal , a different me , a replica of somebody else , a criminal .

When I opened my eyes the room was stained in crimson red blood ……

When I opened my eyes the room was stained in crimson red blood which slowly dripped down

from the walls of this forsaken room. A horrific sight to witness for any sane person . But for me ,

it felt completely normal , almost natural and justified . I felt like I belonged in this sanguine fluid

filled room . The walls were covered in handprints , either mine or hers . Could have been both for

all I know . The curtains in this lady’s apartment which were so precious to her, turned wine red and

were soaked with this beautiful nectar . For the first time in several months I actually felt happy ,

ecstatic and captivated . All of the problems and worries faded away as I was looking at her cold

white body which lied beneath my feet . Her eyes were still opened and I could see the horror within

them that feeling of helplessness and fear, a feeling which no one could ever recapture . But that

only added to my satisfaction . Knowing that this woman is no longer with us made me feel truly

ecstatic . All of her secrets , fond memories and deeds were buried and enclosed in this lifeless ,

calm , dark utopia . While standing in this world of darkness and obscurity I was lost in thought . This

darkness which covered the room as the light flickered on and off put me into a trance. I knew that

I got away with what I had done . This old woman had no family , no friends . She was always alone .

The sole thought of me being able to keep the money for myself was incredible . The things I could

do , the things I could buy ! The incredible room for opportunity which has opened before me . I

could get back everything I have lost . These thoughts clouded my mind while I was aimlessly walking

around her blood red apartment . “There was no point in cleaning up the evidence “ , I thought .

“Nobody ever comes into this god forsaken apartment anyway” .

After several minutes , my mind calmed down and the satisfaction disappeared. In a calm fashion I

washed myself in her bath , picked up the knife and put it away into my pocket . I left the body as it

was , it felt like her petrifying gaze was always upon me as I was searching for money through her

belongings . When the light finally stopped flickering , full darkness came upon this room . I could

not see a thing . I tried to find my way around this bloody mess of an apartment , while stumbling

upon turned over furniture . Broken chairs and tables which she tried to use to protect herself were

scattered around her tiny room . As the clock ticked slowly , seconds , minutes , hours have passed b

without me noticing a thing . I was lost within my own mind . When I finally found the money, I was

filled with rage . The amount which she had was nothing compared to what I had expected . There

was one hundred American dollars stashed away under her bed in a tiny locket which I was lucky to

stumble upon while looking through the dark bedroom. When I went towards the exit door I slowly

turned around and had the last glance at the room . It was still . Dead silence had filled the air while

this lady was lying in the puddle of her own corrupted blood . The words “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME ! “

which she screamed from the top of her lungs, were like music to my ears. The way she begged me

on her knees while I was getting my knife . All those memories cycled through my head . The look

on her eyes when I landed the first blow , the pain and agony , the suffering . All of this torture she

went through added to my great satisfaction . As the blood splashed all over this apartment I felt

like never before , I felt powerful . When her carpet soaked up the fresh blood and when she tried

to stop the flow with her precious curtains. I felt like I would never forget this moment. And I was

right .

As I went out the door I saw people walking down from the floor above . It was a couple , a boy and

a girl who I have never seen before , yet their faces are forever engraved in my memory . At that

moment in time , I felt a change. The fear , the panic , the rush filled me from the inside was

unbearable . My hands began to shake rapidly and my eyes moved around at a high pace . My heart

started beating with an unimaginable speed , I thought it would jump out of my chest . My legs gave

up , I could not move or say a word . I just stood there as they passed by in a hurry . Our eyes met for

a split second . I thought they had it all figured out . Even after the left , I just stood by the door ,

shocked and paralyzed from my neck down . I didn’t know what to do . At one moment I felt like a

God . A person who could shape destiny and change the course of fate for other people with my

own two hands . But now , now I felt scared , I felt like the whole world was watching my every

action . I felt like everyone was my enemy . I locked the door behind me and hurried outside . It was

dark, cold and quiet . The moon was absent . Rain lashed down from the skies almost like the tears

from her hopeless eyes . In my torn pants and a black jacket which I had worn for the past year I

proceeded to walk , aimlessly . There was no set destination for where I was going . The dark streets

slowly were covered in puddles of cold water , the chill wind which hit my back reminded me of that

cold body which I left on the floor . Just like me , she was all alone , almost invisible , never to be

found by anyone . I had nowhere to go . This woman took the last thing which I had left in my life ,

my home , my house .I was always a nobody , but now it also felt like I didn’t belong anywhere . In

this cruel world where students try to make a living by selling drugs on the street and people die

from unknown diseases on the street , I did not belong . This world of poverty and anonymity had

corrupted me . Just a week ago I was an ordinary nineteen year old student . Right now , I don’t

know what I am anymore . I felt like that murder was justified , I felt like it was inevitable. But right

now , I am thinking about how I am going to live tomorrow , and the day after . I had no intention of

returning to that apartment , I just wanted to get away as fast as possible . That night was the

coldest night I had ever experienced . I stopped at the local bar but by the time I got there , the

doors were shut . My clothes were drenched and doubled in weight from the rain . The cold

concrete under my body felt like snow . The air was getting colder and colder every second . As my

eyes closed I hoped that would not freeze to death . I hoped that I would be able to wake up the

next morning .

It was fortunate that I was able to survive that night. I did not sleep well as my mind raced through

the events at the apartment. This time they terrified me . I felt like an animal with no heart or soul .

It was devastating . The euphoric feeling was gone and my conscience knew that I did the wrong

thing . My hand did not stop shaking . I felt like it wasn’t me who committed that horrible murder .

It was as if I was a criminal . Just like the ones in a newspaper . I knew that it wasn’t the real me

who did this horrible deed . I was a replica of somebody else. When I woke up , I could not feel my

fingers , the pain in my back was unbearable . The bruises started showing up on my face as a result

of last night’s incident. I was woken up by the sound of the birds singing and people walking around

the street . No one paid any attention to me lying on the ground , poor , lost , frozen and cold . In

their eyes I was just a nobody , another homeless person . At this stage my mind took over once

again . I attempted to justify my actions because “ this woman took my home . But why would I

kill her ?”, I thought to myself while lying outside on the stone cold concrete. “THIS IS INSANITY!” ,

I screamed from the top of my lungs . Suddenly , the people who previously would just walk by ,

stopped and stared at me . To me it felt like they were looking into my mind . their soul crushing

gaze woke the feeling of fear once again . Once again , I was a different person . I was afraid of

people , I was afraid of their thoughts and feelings . It felt like those people stared at me for an

eternity . I was ashamed and embarrassed . I quickly got up from my spot and ran down the street .

These emotions which I felt were not ordinary . It was quite the opposite actually to my usual self . I

used to be fun , life loving teenager . Even though I didn’t have much money , I used to enjoy every

moment of my school life . That was before I moved into this God forsaken place . This abyss which

they call New York . I was never happy in here , never had enough money to pay my rent , never

even had the money to be fed properly . The last letter which I received from my mother was from

her deathbed . That was two months ago. She left all of her money , but I had to spend them on a

respectable funeral . That day I was distraught , just like I am now . All of the painful memories piled

up in my head . I had nowhere to go , nowhere to be . I was thrown out of the university because I

wasn’t able to keep up with the payments and then my life turned to hell . This woman was my land

lord , she was an old hag who used to own my apartment . I told her about my situation and asked

her to wait another month before I was able to pay her back . But she declined and moved a family

of four into my tiny apartment . It was then when I decided to speak with her again . I went into her

apartment and demanded my home back . She was not satisfied with the money I had offered . She

began to laugh at my misfortunes and proceeded to throw my hard earned money on the ground .

She told me to never come back to her ever again . At that stage , rage filled within me , I picked up

the first object in her kitchen and landed the first blow . Her crimson red nectar spilled on the floor .

It was then , when I realised that I could decide the outcome , that I can change the course of fate .

And I did , I did it by turning into a vicious animal . But even then , it felt good . “Maybe that’s who I

really am” I thought to myself . Maybe , just maybe the feeling of being a God , or no , even the Devil

is the feeling which I wish to pursue .

My conscience battled for a long time while I was running down the deserted , dark , lifeless street .

I wasn’t sure of what to be and what to do . I have never really had any friends or enemies . No one

to go to , no one who could help .That night I went into the first bar which I happened to notice

at the corner of my eye . I drank and drank down all of my thoughts and sorrows , until I had lost

control of my actions . I met a woman named Naomi , her beautiful blond locks of hair were combed

perfectly to the side . her soft and gentle look mesmerised me . I could not take my eyes away from

her . When she noticed my gaze she slowly approached me . Her beautiful smile , and her ocean

blue eyes were getting closer and closer. My heart began to race . As she sat down on the brown

leather chair I slowly moved my hand to fix my hair , but was unable to do so due to my intoxication .

The clothes she wore stood out in a crowd with a bright red dress and crimson red lips she wasn’t

like anybody else . “why would she approach a guy like me?” I thought to myself . Without saying

a word she slowly put a piece of paper onto the table . A four digit number was written on it . “You

look lonely “ she said after I had read the note with great difficulty , as my vision had began to blur .

Without hesitation I threw the money on the table . It was ten American dollars , which in our time

was a big sum of money . She hastily picked up the cash and asked the bartender for a drink . As the

night came to an end my legs gave up , I was unable to stand . Naomi looked after me , just like a

mother would look after her child . I was thankful . She took me to her apartment nearby . When we

arrived , I rushed to bed , stumbling upon the furniture in her living room . The turned over chairs

and broken glassware covered the floor after my arrival . I fell into bed , and at that stage I was

reminded of the horrible events which occurred the previous night . When Naomi entered the room

I slowly began to talk . I thought that she would understand my pain , that she would comfort me in

her mother like arms . Tears dripped down my face , as I continued my story . My mind was racing

through the scarring memories , I was scared . I felt powerless and weak . When I looked up into her

eyes , I saw fear . Naomi quickly got up and ran for the telephone . I did not know what to do , I was

lost . My hands began to shake furiously, but then I felt it the feeling of power returned to me . I was

able to find the knife in my right pocket . Rage filled me from within . I go up and heard Naomi talk to

the police . This feeling once again took over . fear and sadness faded away and were taken over by

rage and bloodlust . I was an animal , a different me , a replica of somebody else , a criminal .

When I opened my eyes the room was stained in crimson red blood ……

When I opened my eyes the room was stained in crimson red blood which slowly dripped down

from the walls of this forsaken room. A horrific sight to witness for any sane person . But for me ,

it felt completely normal , almost natural and justified . I felt like I belonged in this sanguine fluid

filled room . The walls were covered in handprints , either mine or hers . Could have been both for

all I know . The curtains in this lady’s apartment which were so precious to her, turned wine red and

were soaked with this beautiful nectar . For the first time in several months I actually felt happy ,

ecstatic and captivated . All of the problems and worries faded away as I was looking at her cold

white body which lied beneath my feet . Her eyes were still opened and I could see the horror within

them that feeling of helplessness and fear, a feeling which no one could ever recapture . But that

only added to my satisfaction . Knowing that this woman is no longer with us made me feel truly

ecstatic . All of her secrets , fond memories and deeds were buried and enclosed in this lifeless ,

calm , dark utopia . While standing in this world of darkness and obscurity I was lost in thought . This

darkness which covered the room as the light flickered on and off put me into a trance. I knew that

I got away with what I had done . This old woman had no family , no friends . She was always alone .

The sole thought of me being able to keep the money for myself was incredible . The things I could

do , the things I could buy ! The incredible room for opportunity which has opened before me . I

could get back everything I have lost . These thoughts clouded my mind while I was aimlessly walking

around her blood red apartment . “There was no point in cleaning up the evidence “ , I thought .

“Nobody ever comes into this god forsaken apartment anyway” .

After several minutes , my mind calmed down and the satisfaction disappeared. In a calm fashion I

washed myself in her bath , picked up the knife and put it away into my pocket . I left the body as it

was , it felt like her petrifying gaze was always upon me as I was searching for money through her

belongings . When the light finally stopped flickering , full darkness came upon this room . I could

not see a thing . I tried to find my way around this bloody mess of an apartment , while stumbling

upon turned over furniture . Broken chairs and tables which she tried to use to protect herself were

scattered around her tiny room . As the clock ticked slowly , seconds , minutes , hours have passed b

without me noticing a thing . I was lost within my own mind . When I finally found the money, I was

filled with rage . The amount which she had was nothing compared to what I had expected . There

was one hundred American dollars stashed away under her bed in a tiny locket which I was lucky to

stumble upon while looking through the dark bedroom. When I went towards the exit door I slowly

turned around and had the last glance at the room . It was still . Dead silence had filled the air while

this lady was lying in the puddle of her own corrupted blood . The words “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME ! “

which she screamed from the top of her lungs, were like music to my ears. The way she begged me

on her knees while I was getting my knife . All those memories cycled through my head . The look

on her eyes when I landed the first blow , the pain and agony , the suffering . All of this torture she

went through added to my great satisfaction . As the blood splashed all over this apartment I felt

like never before , I felt powerful . When her carpet soaked up the fresh blood and when she tried

to stop the flow with her precious curtains. I felt like I would never forget this moment. And I was

right .

As I went out the door I saw people walking down from the floor above . It was a couple , a boy and

a girl who I have never seen before , yet their faces are forever engraved in my memory . At that

moment in time , I felt a change. The fear , the panic , the rush filled me from the inside was

unbearable . My hands began to shake rapidly and my eyes moved around at a high pace . My heart

started beating with an unimaginable speed , I thought it would jump out of my chest . My legs gave

up , I could not move or say a word . I just stood there as they passed by in a hurry . Our eyes met for

a split second . I thought they had it all figured out . Even after the left , I just stood by the door ,

shocked and paralyzed from my neck down . I didn’t know what to do . At one moment I felt like a

God . A person who could shape destiny and change the course of fate for other people with my

own two hands . But now , now I felt scared , I felt like the whole world was watching my every

action . I felt like everyone was my enemy . I locked the door behind me and hurried outside . It was

dark, cold and quiet . The moon was absent . Rain lashed down from the skies almost like the tears

from her hopeless eyes . In my torn pants and a black jacket which I had worn for the past year I

proceeded to walk , aimlessly . There was no set destination for where I was going . The dark streets

slowly were covered in puddles of cold water , the chill wind which hit my back reminded me of that

cold body which I left on the floor . Just like me , she was all alone , almost invisible , never to be

found by anyone . I had nowhere to go . This woman took the last thing which I had left in my life ,

my home , my house .I was always a nobody , but now it also felt like I didn’t belong anywhere . In

this cruel world where students try to make a living by selling drugs on the street and people die

from unknown diseases on the street , I did not belong . This world of poverty and anonymity had

corrupted me . Just a week ago I was an ordinary nineteen year old student . Right now , I don’t

know what I am anymore . I felt like that murder was justified , I felt like it was inevitable. But right

now , I am thinking about how I am going to live tomorrow , and the day after . I had no intention of

returning to that apartment , I just wanted to get away as fast as possible . That night was the

coldest night I had ever experienced . I stopped at the local bar but by the time I got there , the

doors were shut . My clothes were drenched and doubled in weight from the rain . The cold

concrete under my body felt like snow . The air was getting colder and colder every second . As my

eyes closed I hoped that would not freeze to death . I hoped that I would be able to wake up the

next morning .

It was fortunate that I was able to survive that night. I did not sleep well as my mind raced through

the events at the apartment. This time they terrified me . I felt like an animal with no heart or soul .

It was devastating . The euphoric feeling was gone and my conscience knew that I did the wrong

thing . My hand did not stop shaking . I felt like it wasn’t me who committed that horrible murder .

It was as if I was a criminal . Just like the ones in a newspaper . I knew that it wasn’t the real me

who did this horrible deed . I was a replica of somebody else. When I woke up , I could not feel my

fingers , the pain in my back was unbearable . The bruises started showing up on my face as a result

of last night’s incident. I was woken up by the sound of the birds singing and people walking around

the street . No one paid any attention to me lying on the ground , poor , lost , frozen and cold . In

their eyes I was just a nobody , another homeless person . At this stage my mind took over once

again . I attempted to justify my actions because “ this woman took my home . But why would I

kill her ?”, I thought to myself while lying outside on the stone cold concrete. “THIS IS INSANITY!” ,

I screamed from the top of my lungs . Suddenly , the people who previously would just walk by ,

stopped and stared at me . To me it felt like they were looking into my mind . their soul crushing

gaze woke the feeling of fear once again . Once again , I was a different person . I was afraid of

people , I was afraid of their thoughts and feelings . It felt like those people stared at me for an

eternity . I was ashamed and embarrassed . I quickly got up from my spot and ran down the street .

These emotions which I felt were not ordinary . It was quite the opposite actually to my usual self . I

used to be fun , life loving teenager . Even though I didn’t have much money , I used to enjoy every

moment of my school life . That was before I moved into this God forsaken place . This abyss which

they call New York . I was never happy in here , never had enough money to pay my rent , never

even had the money to be fed properly . The last letter which I received from my mother was from

her deathbed . That was two months ago. She left all of her money , but I had to spend them on a

respectable funeral . That day I was distraught , just like I am now . All of the painful memories piled

up in my head . I had nowhere to go , nowhere to be . I was thrown out of the university because I

wasn’t able to keep up with the payments and then my life turned to hell . This woman was my land

lord , she was an old hag who used to own my apartment . I told her about my situation and asked

her to wait another month before I was able to pay her back . But she declined and moved a family

of four into my tiny apartment . It was then when I decided to speak with her again . I went into her

apartment and demanded my home back . She was not satisfied with the money I had offered . She

began to laugh at my misfortunes and proceeded to throw my hard earned money on the ground .

She told me to never come back to her ever again . At that stage , rage filled within me , I picked up

the first object in her kitchen and landed the first blow . Her crimson red nectar spilled on the floor .

It was then , when I realised that I could decide the outcome , that I can change the course of fate .

And I did , I did it by turning into a vicious animal . But even then , it felt good . “Maybe that’s who I

really am” I thought to myself . Maybe , just maybe the feeling of being a God , or no , even the Devil

is the feeling which I wish to pursue .

My conscience battled for a long time while I was running down the deserted , dark , lifeless street .

I wasn’t sure of what to be and what to do . I have never really had any friends or enemies . No one

to go to , no one who could help .That night I went into the first bar which I happened to notice

at the corner of my eye . I drank and drank down all of my thoughts and sorrows , until I had lost

control of my actions . I met a woman named Naomi , her beautiful blond locks of hair were combed

perfectly to the side . her soft and gentle look mesmerised me . I could not take my eyes away from

her . When she noticed my gaze she slowly approached me . Her beautiful smile , and her ocean

blue eyes were getting closer and closer. My heart began to race . As she sat down on the brown

leather chair I slowly moved my hand to fix my hair , but was unable to do so due to my intoxication .

The clothes she wore stood out in a crowd with a bright red dress and crimson red lips she wasn’t

like anybody else . “why would she approach a guy like me?” I thought to myself . Without saying

a word she slowly put a piece of paper onto the table . A four digit number was written on it . “You

look lonely “ she said after I had read the note with great difficulty , as my vision had began to blur .

Without hesitation I threw the money on the table . It was ten American dollars , which in our time

was a big sum of money . She hastily picked up the cash and asked the bartender for a drink . As the

night came to an end my legs gave up , I was unable to stand . Naomi looked after me , just like a

mother would look after her child . I was thankful . She took me to her apartment nearby . When we

arrived , I rushed to bed , stumbling upon the furniture in her living room . The turned over chairs

and broken glassware covered the floor after my arrival . I fell into bed , and at that stage I was

reminded of the horrible events which occurred the previous night . When Naomi entered the room

I slowly began to talk . I thought that she would understand my pain , that she would comfort me in

her mother like arms . Tears dripped down my face , as I continued my story . My mind was racing

through the scarring memories , I was scared . I felt powerless and weak . When I looked up into her

eyes , I saw fear . Naomi quickly got up and ran for the telephone . I did not know what to do , I was

lost . My hands began to shake furiously, but then I felt it the feeling of power returned to me . I was

able to find the knife in my right pocket . Rage filled me from within . I go up and heard Naomi talk to

the police . This feeling once again took over . fear and sadness faded away and were taken over by

rage and bloodlust . I was an animal , a different me , a replica of somebody else , a criminal .

When I opened my eyes the room was stained in crimson red blood ……


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