Dear Dad. (My Suicide Note)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Dear dad. What can I say, I hate my life and everything that has happened.

Submitted: September 12, 2010

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Submitted: September 12, 2010

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Dear Dad,
My life has been hell since I was young, since I knew who you were. You didn’t understand me, or what I was going through. All you ever said is that it’s ‘growing pain’. But it wasn’t, it was heart ache that I had to deal with, so yes, I left, I didn’t come home most times, I got locked up and I did drugs. But what can I say, nobody listened and it was my way of dealing. I’m sorry if I hurt you but I needed to do it – for me. I had to finally do something for me dad, I had to stop caring about everyone else.
You never listened, never heard my tears at night. Bet you, you don’t know I cried myself to sleep every night for a year. Wanna know the reason? Bet you, you don’t know that either?
I watched him die dad. The guy you wouldn’t let me date. The guy I ran away for. Remember him? Yeah that’s right, thought you would. He died. I watched him get shot. In front of my fucking eyes. But you – you never heard me screaming in my sleep. The nightmares that I would dream. The bullet going through my heart instead of his. You never heard. Or maybe you did? Maybe you just chose to ignore everything. Maybe.
You never cared to hear, or give a shit. You just let me go, go down into deep depression, my counsellor told you I needed medication and you said to her you didn’t care and thought I didn’t. So thanks to you, I’m that deep down that deep gone, I can’t pick myself up. Trust me, I’ve tried.
You never heard dad. What is that? Is that even a father? Is that even what you’re supposed to be? Your  you, are supposed to be my hero, my saviour. God, I fucking hate you. I hate you. If only you treated me the way I needed to be treated, I needed someone. And you, my own blood, weren’t there. If only, maybe things would be different now. Just maybe. Maybe I wouldn’t want to die. To take my own life, so I can’t feel any more pain. I want it to all end, this pain is too strong dad. I believe it’s not completely your fault, and I know that somewhere deep inside your heart you do care, but I need more then to just know this, I need you to care I need you.
I am sorry that it has to be like this, but I can’t take the pain. I need to be with him. I need to feel his love, and I can only do that if I go with him. If I die also, please, please understand this, if anything, this.Goodbye, dad. Please forgive me and my mistakes. I am sorry.
I love you.
 


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