Purple sky

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A (really) short, mostly non-fictional story about fading away. Rough around the edges all around.

Submitted: July 19, 2015

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Submitted: July 19, 2015

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I recall the sky being purple, I just haven’t seen that color in a while now. I recall the taste of food, the sound of music, the dancing shadows on the wall. I recall long fun nights, I recall friendly conversations, I recall laughter, half-smiles, jokes, kisses and the touch of another human being. All those things are memories traveling around my heart, they just don’t come around anymore.

Day 1:
I woke up today earlier than I should, my room has been messy for several weeks and I really should tidy up, yet somehow I can’t quite figure out where anything should go anymore. Haven’t eaten breakfast for weeks now, those eggs can’t quite fill what I need. I sat on the back of the bus, looking around ever so quietly at people coming in and out, trading eye contact with strangers, forcing myself to look away, my mind was so full of an empty blank thought the whole ride. I show up for work every single day but I really haven’t been in there for a long time, I do what I have to do, what everyone expects of me to do. I did it as smoothly and as fast as I could, so I could shelter myself home again. Maybe I did something wrong as my head was spinning by the end of the day. I didn’t eat. Instead slept the whole evening.
Day 2:
Was mostly spent staring at a computer screen, glazing through the life of other people, as I do so often. Not so sure why as it makes me feel even shittier than I already do. I always have to look through her profile. I see pictures in pretty dresses, I see friends, parties, online conversations and plans being made for the future. It kills me. Always makes wonder what if I was still a part of that world, what if I was still around, making plans too, getting busy too. Didn’t go to work. Stayed in bed the rest of the afternoon. I got a grip of myself late at night and made dinner, the laptop still open. So I opened up a conversation tab with her, I asked so many questions, got so many short, quick, boring replies. I finally quit around half an hour later or so. Went for a walk in the park, got home and puked, slept some more.

Day 3:
Looking around my room It seems like some colors are starting to wear off, my heads gets all caught up in what I should be seeing but I can’t really see anything right as of lately. I got up and went straight to work, must have stopped in 3 or 4 different coffee shops before I could force myself to enter the building. I took the train on the way home, it looked less unbearable than the bus. I think that a girl sitting next to me glanced over a couple of times, so I buried my head in my hoodie, my heart pounding away. I had ice cream and more coffee but it did not help feeling less sleepy. Tried to watch some TV but had some sort of panic attack and cried in sheer pain for 20 minutes. I feel better now, I still need to sleep some more.

Day 4:
I tried to invite the closest thing I have for a friend for a beer, so I held my breath, called him already knowing how much of a long shot it was. Getting no replies I went ahead and had my own Friday night out. It’s probably been months since I had one. I had two beers all by myself but couldn’t stay for too long as I felt another breakdown creeping through my heart. However during the time I was there I overheard conversations, life stories, current events, I saw eyes looking towards me and laughter getting thrown around. I think it was about midnight when I got home and tears started popping out around my eyes. Stared at my computer screen for a whole hour, mostly going through other people’s life. I tried to steer clear from her profile as much as I could. Still had time to review my bills and expenses, somehow they keep getting shorter and shorter.

Day 5:
I didn’t show up for work today. I couldn’t get out of bed as my heart keeps getting tighter and tighter, pain intensifies and anxiety bursts through my lungs. My parents called and we scheduled yet another family reunion. But these don’t help me feel less lonely, they can’t help me feel less sad, it seems like this time my family can’t heal all my past mistakes and unearth some hope. I spent the day looking around my room, remembering colors, my work bag does not seem blue anymore, later I spaced out and got too numb to get out of bed and eat.

I caught a glimpse of myself on the mirror and I look like a ghost. I needed to hop in the shower but could not find enough inner strength to go through all that work. I got dressed and walked around the block several times. I spent a lot of time finding something that I could still taste, I really should eat. So I ordered a hamburguer, sat down with it and had a couple of bites but it did not taste the same it would with a friend. Got around to organize my closet and spent a bit of time by the computer. Put on some music. There I was finally, sitting on the couch, my heart felt swollen and about to burst out of my chest. I felt sleepy and my head got heavy, after a bit I crashed down throughout the whole couch and the half empty bottle slipped out of my hand.
 It’s been long time since I experienced long fun nights, friendly conversations, laughter, half-smiles, jokes, kisses, the touch of another human being. It’s been a while since I can taste food, listen to music, stared at those shadows dancing on my wall and looked up at the sky and saw purple. But I still can recall all of those things, and I’d rather end this story with the memory of all those things in my heart, than go on through endless days slowly forgetting what they are.


© Copyright 2020 UncalledFor. All rights reserved.

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