Do You Mary...Take This Margarine...?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
An open letter to Senator Rick Santorum....

Submitted: September 16, 2006

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Submitted: September 16, 2006



Dear Mr. Santorum,

I happened to catch you on "Meet the Press" the other day. I must say, you are certainly articulate in voicing your opinions. I might also add, that your clean-cut appearance and dress-sense was awfully smart.
You are quite the quintessential politician and 'All-American' spokesperson for your cause of bringing us back to the 1950s, where every good and Christian person knows we belong.

You certainly were adamant in your views opposing the current gay 'civil rights' issue.
Sir, you are my "Knight in Shining Armour."
You have shown yourself to be a true, committed member of the conservative right, and, as we all know, an advocate of freedom of speech, freedom of religion, liberty and justice for "all."
This is the heart of the American culture that you and I have come to love and hold so dear.

You were most upset, I recall, at the verdict in Texas, where they overturned the sodomy laws. We can't have any of that nasty homosexual activity going on in our beloved country. We should have held on to the right to be able to invade a queer couple's privacy and prosecute them at will. After all, this is America- Land of the Free.

Of course, now that this terrible verdict has been handed down, you have chosen to take up the battle against the next "inevitable" step in the world's descent into chaos and evil: Gay marriage.

Kudos to you!

Yes, yes, it has started to happen already - all these pesky, unnatural gay people having the GALL to ask for civil rights that everyone else in the country takes for granted. The nerve of it!!
As you said yourself, this can only lead to a "Slippery Slope." A slippery slope that will eventually permit such God-fearing crimes as 'polygamy' and 'polyamory' to occur.

Well, I for one have to agree with you there, Mr. Santorum. I too, am certain that, by allowing these people who pay taxes, work hard for their money and belong to many groups serving the community, to marry, we will only slide further into immoral and despicable depths..

Apart from polygamy and polyamory - we could be facing the
ungodly act of "polyester" (man marrying the living-room curtains) or worse still, "polyunsaturated" (woman and tub of margarine entering into holy matrimony) and "polystyrene" (man getting hitched to small, white party cup.)

How about "polygon?" (When two people marry and one takes off and has an affair, comes back again, runs away and screws around a bit more... Oh wait! Isn't that a not-so-uncommon reason for a large percentage of divorce in heterosexual marriage? Silly me.)

More frightening still, is the prospect of our society eventually legalising "Pollyanna." (When two people marry, braid their hair in pigtails, and run around bringing nauseating amounts of optimism to anyone passing by.)

Worst of all, should you allow these citizens, who love each other and have lived in committed relationships, in some cases for over 50 years, to gain access to legal rights, you are opening the floodgates to possibly the most heinous and corrupt institution of all:
"PollyWannaCracker"- where man or woman will covet, court, and marry my poor little parrot "Basil."

It is outrageous.

You must take a stand. Stop this horrendous practice of allowing people, who are our caring doctors, notable lawyers, committed teachers and parents, to have access to any rights at all.

They are evil and it must cease.

I send this in support of your fight to maintain bigotry and a level of second-class citizenship within our great nation.

Respectfully yours,

Mrs Mavis Hogwash

PS: I would give some thought to maybe a change in your name if you are (as we all hope) running for the Oval Office. I ran a search on for "Santorum" and this is what came up:
Santorum 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes
the byproduct of anal sex.

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