Oi! You There With The Combustible Trousers!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Think that lying will send you on the fast track to "Brunch with Beelzelbub"? Not always. However......

Submitted: September 17, 2006

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Submitted: September 17, 2006



The scene is a small country diner. A young couple is finishing their lunch. An impossibly large waitress is trying to readjust her pantyline behind the counter.
The young man picks at his hamburger uncomfortably, his legs crossing and uncrossing under the table.

"Judy? I..er..I think we need to talk."

"What is it, darling?"

"Umm..I, err..I think we need to take a break for awhile."

"What? What do you mean, Tom?"

"I mean, umm.. I have been giving everything some thought, and I just think perhaps we aren't as suited to each other as we first thought."

"Oh..oh no! Why? I thought we had a good thing going. I thought that we had fun when we out together."

"Look, it's not you, baby. It's me. Really. I am not lying when I say that this is all about me. I'm just..not ready for a commitment. I have issues with long-term relationships. You would be so much better off with someone who can give you everything you deserve. I..I am just not ready for this type of thing."


Young woman stifles a sob, pushes her chair away and runs out the door.
End of scene

What the hell??? Just one minute here.
Pass me that remote and let's just rewind this.

The scene is a small country diner. A young couple is finishing their lunch. An impossibly large waitress is still trying to readjust her pantyline behind the counter.
The young man is scowling at his hamburger

"Hey. Hey! Could you stop smacking your chops like some bloated cow and listen to me for a second?"

"Yeah? What?"

"We are splitsville babe."

"What the hell are you talking about, you drongo."

"Splitsville! Outta here! Why on earth I ever hooked up with you in the first place, is beyond me? Look at you, I must have been drunk!"

"You ungrateful bastard. All the times I had you take me out and have you spend your money on me for things that I wanted. Is this how you repay me for dragging you out to sit with my friends and hassling you for watching too much football? Hell! Have you so soon forgotten about how I am always on top??"

"Well, it's not me, that's for sure. It's YOU. ALL YOU! I don't want to be chained to you for another second. All I wanted was a quick and accessible bang once in awhile, and look what happens? 2 nights turns into 3 torturous weeks of you nagging and whining. Oh...My..God. I can't stand the sight of you anymore. You don't need me; you need an ATM with a penis!"

"RIGHT! That's IT!"

Young woman grabs chair and proceeds to beat the living daylights out of young man.
End scene.

There. That's more like it.

Wouldn't the world be an interesting place, if we all said what we ‘really' felt? I think so.

None of this dancing around, let's get right to the crux of the issue.

How many times have you been in a social situation when a friend of yours introduces her new boyfriend (the one she has been babbling about for weeks on end) and you have smiled sweetly, if not a little coquettishly, shaken his hand and thought to yourself, "Inbred. Yup, definitely inbred."

How about when your boss comes in with a new tie, and when asked what you think, your response is, "Very different. Very original. You must tell me where you bought that." When what you ‘really' mean is: Not even emergency assistance from the guys on "Queer Eye" can save you now.

Yes, we are all liars, liars with our pants on fire!

However, society demands that we be such fabricators, in order to keep the boundary that separates us from the animals from breaking apart.

I do see the social value in this, don't get me wrong.
In order to maintain relationships with some of my in-laws over the holidays, I have relied on this style of acceptable ‘fibbing' on many occasions. (Read: Yes, I think that is an interesting concept you have there. What's that? George Bush is a brilliant and eloquent speaker? Well, that's a point that is, well, worth ...thinking about...sure.)

So, you see? I do think that lying in order to keep from hurting each other's feelings, or to keep from getting fired (or even from having a Thanksgiving turkey placed snugly over your head) is the kosher thing to do.

Unfortunately, not all forms of lying are acceptable.
In fact, some lies are insidious and very, very dangerous.
These types of lies come from the highest political offices and corporate boardrooms. The general public doesn't have to worry about a plate of sweet potatoes in the face as a consequence of this brand of lying (or lack thereof.) No, instead, due to these untruths, most of us have to worry about skyrocketing costs of living, questionable election results, and worst of all, loss of life.

Lying can be a good thing or a bad thing. Good lying prevents you from copping a cocktail drink down your shirt. Bad lying prevents your child from getting into the college of his/her choice, because you have had to sell the house or you have lost your job.

One can only hope that we keep up the good lying with much enthusiasm. I for one am not so keen to be chased around the living room with an electric razor, just because I happened to ask my husband whether his nostril hair needed trimming, or because Frodo the hobbit had set up residence in his nasal cavities.

Before I sign off, you guys are getting to know me pretty well now, and I am getting to know you. Hence, I'll let you in on a few little secrets (This is for you, gentlemen.) of what we as the gentler, softer sex say, but ‘really' mean..

Can't we just be friends? - Touch my thigh again buddy, and I'll introduce you to "Mr. Knee-in-Groin."

No, no McDonalds is fine.- You tightwad.

I'm not upset.. - Of course I'm upset, you donkey!

You're very interesting... - Ok, I'm backing away now. Slowly, sloowly...

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