Tales From The Kitchen Floor - Part II

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
What to do when the inner author is outdone by the outer backside splinters.

Submitted: September 16, 2006

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Submitted: September 16, 2006

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Oh! I didn’t see you there! You gave me quite a fright.

I have made a temporary relocation from the kitchen floor, to the bathroom floor, for medical reasons. My HMO apparently doesn’t cover the removal of splinters in the buttocks region (and don’t ask me how I got splinters down there, or I shall have to plead the fifth.)
I really should have known better. My HMO doesn’t acknowledge emergency services, such as a simple trip to my local physician.

Since I have been living in the United States, I have been doing everything within my power to stay healthy and active. However, during the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling a little bit under the weather. Looking around now, at the bare basin, slightly dusty S-bend and chipped bathtub, I think I understand why.

Feng Shui is missing in my life.

It was during my recent (and fruitless) visit to the doctor, that I picked up a very interesting magazine called, “Your Life and Feng Shui” by the eminent Aunt Agga Woo (not to be confused with that funky 80s hit, “Agga Doo.”)

I had a vague idea about all of this. It was something to do with how placing your furniture in various positions could positively affect your life and overall well being. Either that, or a new and improved version of the Karma Sutra for the more dedicated and athletic types.

I was surprised to learn, as I turned the pages, that there is so much more to this than just making sure your toilet rolls are correctly aligned with the spirit of your bowels and smaller intestines.

Aunt Agga Woo tells us that you can use Feng Shui in other turbulent areas of your life. This really caught my interest, as I was close to kicking the clinic’s receptionist in the shins for asking me to fill out yet another form.

It was clear that Aunt Agga’s sagacious advice has worldwide popularity, considering that her “Ask Woo” column was overflowing with anxious people needing guidance in their screwed up lives.

Jason from Taiwan wrote:

Dear Aunt Agga,
I have been in the insurance line for more than 15 years; on hand, I have about 15 agents to work with. We used to be an active group, but lately, something has been going wrong. We are very listless, with no harmony amongst us. Can you advise me how we can overcome such a situation?

Dear Jason,
It is obvious that there is something wrong with the relationship luck in your southern regions.
There is, perhaps, a lack of fresh and sunny air within your personal space, and I would suggest moving your quarters closer to where there is water.

Now, I don’t know about you, but if you read between the lines here, this one is a no-brainer.
Jason obviously needs to keep his hands out of his pants, wear better deodorant, and make use of the restrooms more frequently, for that little bladder problem of his.

Wanda, from New Zealand, had a few different dilemmas, closer to home:

Dear Aunt Agga,
I am in a domestic quandary, please, please advise me.
a) Is it good to use a plastic curtain to cover the toilet?
b) Where’s the best place to hang a clock?
c) Can we have Fuk Luk Sau under the dining room table?

Dear Wanda,
a) No, it is better to use a piece of aromatic balsa wood for your toilet. A plastic curtain allows the foul air from the WC to filter easily into the rest of the house, and that can’t be good for your overall Chi. Moreover, plastic curtains tend to be noisy and crackly, and you should be keeping the toilet quiet. Do not activate it with noise or movement.
b) Clocks are never good symbols to highlight in the home. It is better to have natural clocks, rather than modern ones hanging on the wall.
c) The best place for the Fuk Luk Sau is facing the front door or in the hallway.

Well, I would think so too!

Not only would foul air from the toilet upset your Chi, I would think it probably would lose you a few dinner guests as well.
I, personally, try and keep ‘my’ toilet quiet and deactivated when I can (or, at least until I can’t keep my legs crossed any longer.) I also give it a daily dose of Xanax, for when it gets a little too hysterical.
What’s this about modern clocks not being good symbols for the home? What do you expect? A sundial?
As far as your Fuk Luk Sau is concerned Wanda, the best place for THAT is in the bedroom, my dear.

The last little gem I espied, before they threw me out of the doctor’s office and locked the door, was from an obviously distraught Randy, in Canada.

Dear Aunt Agga,
I have always been curious about what color a wallet should be. I always carry three coins in my wallet, but the money doesn’t stay. Maybe I need a different colored wallet. Can you tell me please?

Unfortunately, the response from the wise Aunt Agga had been mysteriously ripped from the page, but I think the answer was fairly obvious in this case.

Dear Randy,
Get a life! Who in their right mind carries just three coins in their wallet these days? Have you not heard of debit cards? The reason that your money doesn’t stay in there, is that you keep wasting it on crappy magazines like this, you ninny.
Maybe you ‘do’ need a different colored wallet, but I would suggest some intensive psychotherapy to start with.

I may not have been able to get these splinters out of my ass, but I did succeed in sneaking this highly perspicacious periodical out of the clinic. I managed this, by stuffing it down my shirt (in the hope that the Feng Shui power of Aunt Agga would align itself with the iron in my bra, thus encouraging my ‘unenlightened’ bustline to expand.)

When I returned home, I tried placing my laptop in various areas of the apartment to see whether I would feel more in tune with my inner ‘best-selling author’, but all I got was a strange look from the guy who came to turn off the gas.

So, on that note, I shall leave you with a word of prudent advice, straight from the mouth of Aunt Agga Woo, rip-off merchant extraordinaire:

If, whilst trying to reset your sundial ‘snooze-button’, and pacify your lavatory, you are overcome with a feeling of uncontrollable discomfort in your ‘southern region’, it’s probably just splinters, so, get your trusty tweezers out- your HMO won’t want to know about it!


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