Tales From The Kitchen Floor - Part IV

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Cookie Monster, you are under arrest!!!!

Submitted: September 17, 2006

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Submitted: September 17, 2006



Well, my time on the floor is thankfully drawing to a close.

Tomorrow, the man of the manor and I will close the door, toss the keys, and take to the road to have a bit of a look around at some of our neighboring states, before getting on that plane to Australia. (Oh, Happy, happy, joy, joy!)

I have lived in the state of Illinois for some years now, and I can say with confidence that I understand what the very essence of this place is all about: Parking tickets and frostbite.
The interesting thing about living in a country that has so many states (52 to be exact, although most people don’t count Iowa), is that each one has its own little cultural quirks, icons, and of course, strange and completely inane laws.

I was already aware that there were a few strange laws on a national scale. You can drive a car, vote for a man who will legally send you to war, with a legal firearm, at the age of 18 – and yet, you can’t toast a beer with your buddies before heading out to lose a few limbs in enemy fire.

This seems a tad disproportionate to me, but then again, I am an Australian, and beer is emblazoned on our national emblem, in between the emu and kangaroo (alright, it isn’t, but if you have had a few, it certainly looks like it.)

However, I was surprised to learn that each US State has its own set of rules and regulations. Some of them are reasonable, like… “Do not run your neighbor over in your SUV, even if they do have Barry Manilow cranked up to 50,000 decibels at 2am.”(Yes, Mrs. Peabody, if you are reading this, I am talking about you) whereas, a select few of these can only be described by this author as pottier than your Aunt Minnie after fifteen nips of moonshine.

Let’s take my adopted home state of Illinois for starters:
It gave me pause to learn that in Illinois, specifically, the gracious little town of Kirkland, it is illegal and punishable by a hefty fine, to let bees fly through the streets of the central business district. Keeping this in mind, it would be safe to say then, that career-minded apiarists usually do not set up shop in Kirkland.

In Urbana, Illinois, you won’t find many monsters (Cookie, or otherwise) doing a little window-shopping in the local mall, as they too, are eligible for some substantial jail time.
My own home away from home, Chicago, is very wary about people having their steaks grilled a little “too” well done, as it was written into law back in the early 1900s, that no Chicago citizen can lawfully eat in an establishment that is on fire.

As you can imagine, these loopy edicts whetted the curiosity of this little Aussie duck, so I probed a bit further to see what other sensible laws and statutes existed in this fair nation.

In sunny Florida, you might want to rethink bringing your elephant with you on your summer vacation. It is jurisprudence that elephants tied to parking meters are liable for tickets, just like vehicles.
Take heed, all of you adventurous single women out there, as you will be surely arrested, fined and/or jailed, if you are caught parachuting on a Sunday in the so-called “Sunshine State.”
Funnily enough, the other state slogan for Florida is “Let’s Roll!”
“Let’s Jump and Fall” is evidently inapplicable.
I have a suggestion for the governor - let single women pursue exciting pastimes, and outlaw questionable voting machines.

Considering that the “Terminator” was elected as governor, we all suspected that the residents of California might have had a touch too much sun, but even I was rather taken aback to discover that it is unlawful to whistle for your lost canary before 7am. (Calling “Here kitty, kitty!” is prohibited before 7:15.)

Before your next trip to the pet store for little Johnny or Suzie, keep in mind that in the city of Mountain View, CA; it is a felonious act to call pet fish by “names of aggressive content”. “Tiger,” “Killer,” and “Sugar-Ray,” are a definite no-no. “Happysnappy,” “Hysterically Cheerful,” and “WinkyBink," are acceptable, as long as the fish are of a "mellow temperament."

Please be cognizant to the sensitive nature of mollusks next time you pass through Baltimore, as mistreating oysters is a serious offence there, often punishable by making you actually eat one.
Also in Baltimore, even if it pleads and promises not to throw jellybeans at the people in the row in front of you, you must refrain from taking your lion to the movies in this city, or you could find yourself down at the police station quick smart.

Mourners in Massachusetts are forbidden to eat more than three sandwiches at a wake (and heaven help them if they “double dip’ their chips in the guacamole!)

Whilst it is ILLEGAL to hitch your crocodile to a fire hydrant in Michigan, take heart, for it is perfectly licit to sleep with pigs, cows, horses, goats and chickens. (Well, HELLO there, Daisy. You are looking mighty fine today. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. )

I am taking careful notes on all of these of course, as during my upcoming travels, I do not want to find myself in the slammer for riding an ugly horse, a proscribed activity in the town of Wilber, Washington. (Mr. Ed gets revenge at last.)

Well, I have finished packing my suitcase, and am taking one last, fond look around my sparse apartment. It has treated me well, and I have had no complaints.

The next time you hear from me, I shall be sitting on a sunny porch in Wisconsin, which is, according to the slogan on state license plates, “America’s Dairyland.” (It used to be “America’s Fairyland,” but that was amended swiftly when J Edgar Hoover joined the FBI!)

I shall be unwinding with a good book, or I might even take in a spot of fishing. I will, however, be also acutely aware, that if the man of the manor and I get a bit frisky from all this glorious fresh air and sunshine, to make sure he doesn’t shoot a gun during ‘whoopie’. Discharging loaded firearms during sex in Wisconsin will ensure us a swift trip to the county cooler.

Adios Amigos!

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