USA -Land of Litigation

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Or...the rise..and rise of Judge Judy..

Submitted: September 17, 2006

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Submitted: September 17, 2006



Are you up to your eyeballs in debt? Have you got that creepy ‘creditor clown’ chasing you with a baseball bat? Are you just so sick and tired of those endless calls from collection agencies?
We hear you.
That’s why the legal staff at “Sleazy Ambulance Chasers Inc.” are waiting for your call.
We understand that you didn’t mean to spend that extra $3000 on those shoes. We know that not declaring that little bit of extra income from your ‘hydroponic’ enterprises was just an oversight on your part. And don’t even think of apologizing for that little splurge at the Casino. Hey? We know that the house always wins.
We at “Sleazy Ambulance Chasers Inc.” are here to help you.
By consolidating all of your debts, which in some cases are bigger than the Gross National Product, we can help you minimize your repayments. With our assistance, you’ll be back on your feet and mismanaging your finances in no time.
(Disclaimer: Should you fail to meet your repayment deadlines or even think about breaking your 100 year contract with interest, we at “SAC Inc.” reserve the right to repossess your car, your house and any living children therein. Your soul is up for grabs as well if necessary.)

Sound familiar?

There are few occasions these days, that, when I turn on the television, I am not inundated with commercials warning me how perilously close I am to personal and financial ruin.
It is, if anything, a very sad indictment on American society, as the sheer volume of these commercials suggests that Americans are terribly unskilled in conducting their financial affairs.

But wait, what’s this?

I change the channel and I am now being told that despite being completely fiscally incompetent, I am eligible for basically any source of cash flow I want.

Average credit ? Bad Credit? No Credit? DOESN’T MADDA!!!!
We at “SHONKY AUTO BARN” want to get YOU a brand new car.
You might be having problems paying your rent, clothing and feeding your children, but here at “SHONKY AUTO BARN” we are committed to getting you behind the wheel of a brand new Mercedes Benz.
You can drive away TODAY in your new car, despite your lousy credit history.
Don’t wait. Call NOW at 1800-DAFAMILY and ask for Mr Corleone!
(Disclaimer: Should you miss a payment or try to terminate your 150 year contract plus interest, we at “SAB Inc” reserve the right to enter your home in the middle of the night and place a horse’s head under your sheets. Badda Bing!)

I am guessing that both the car dealers and the debt-consolidation lawyers keep each other in business.

Speaking of lawyers, for a little extra spending money, there is always the option of suing someone.
It appears to be a popular pastime these days.
You step on my foot in the elevator and I simply sue you for a tidy $1,000,000.00, citing emotional distress. (An extra $500,000.00 will be added if it happens to occur on a Monday morning and before I have had my first cup of coffee.)

My word, what a litigious society I find myself living in.

Nowhere on earth have I found people so eager to clog up the law courts with law suits that can only be described as borderline lunacy.
We have all heard about the famed “hot coffee” case, where a woman sued McDonalds after she spilled the beverage on herself. She took the fast food giant to court citing that the coffee was “too hot”.

Crazy you say?

Crazy to the tune of $2.9 million dollars awarded for her pain and suffering. I was kind of hoping the jury would award her something more appropriate - a lobotomy for instance.

Also ranked highly on the “Throw these Idiots out of the Courts” list is the case where a young man in Iowa sued his university after falling out of the window in his dormitory. He alleged that the college was negligent in failing to post enough warning signs around, outlining the hazards of living on the second floor.
Mind you, the young man was mooning a passerby at the time of the incident.

For points in the “Oh God Get a Grip” category, you can’t go past the woman who sued Disneyland citing the emotional trauma inflicted on her son by Mickey Mouse.
The woman and her son were treated to a ‘behind-the-scenes’ visit in compensation for being overcharged in one of the souvenir stores. The boy happened to catch a glimpse of Mickey ‘after hours’, and according to his mother, was terribly distressed to learn that Disney’s favorite rodent sported a 5 o’clock shadow.

With all these crazy lawsuits flying around, companies have resorted to placing even more inane ‘warning’ signs here, there and everywhere in order to avoid being dragged into the courts. -

Here are just a few choice examples:

Warning on an electric router made for carpenters:
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Warning on a cartridge for a laser printer:
Do not eat toner.

Toilet bowl cleaning brush warns:
Do not use orally.

My personal favorite was a sign I espied in the ladies room of a large shopping mall in Indiana.
Above the baby change table, in bold red type was the warning:

Remove child before departure

Now you may laugh (I know I certainly did) but when you think about an incident that would have caused such a sign to be deemed as necessary, it kind of scares the hell out of you doesn’t it?

(“ keys, lipstick, wallet. Something’s missing. What could I have forgotten now?”)

Well, if nothing else, this wave of frivolous lawsuits will hopefully ensure that the busboy serving my soup at the local diner will have washed his hands. And I guess it will keep the Judge Judys and Judge Joe Browns of this world in the TV studios and off the streets, making it a safer place for us all.

So, go ahead and review this article. A 5 star rating, or I’ll see you in court buddy!

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