Where I have been, Who I have meet, and the things I have seen have made me the person I am today. I have no regrets about my past but I do have worries about my future. My main worry is will I ever be happy again. I'm not saying I'm a unhappy person well then again that is what I'm saying. I'm not like most people.... when most people are scared of the dark I embrace it...when most people are afraid of spiders and bugs I am afraid of a box on the side of the road and rather or not its going to blow up in my face or if that guy on the other side of the street is going to open fire on me and my friends. Those are just a few things that I'm afraid of. These are also reason why if I don't absolutely have to leave my apartment I wont. I'm not the same person i was 9 years ago when i joined the Army.
I have been fighting Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD for the past 6-7 years. And its taking its toll on my lifestyle. It's hurting my relationship with my friends and family and it keeps me from finding that special someone. I am extremely horrified when it comes to meeting new people. As I see it if i have no legit business with them then there is NO reason for me to interact with them.
I have always said I have an addictive personality which is true. I will try anything once. But the real reason I think this is is because I will try anything to make my self feel differently than I \"normally\" do.(JUST TO MAKE THE PAIN STOP).
I have taken may illegal drugs in my past. I currently do not.For the past year or two I have been clean. Its a personal decision of mine to stay off illegal drugs. (A WIN IN MY BATTLE). My reason to stay clean is well for one its illegal and for me to stay in the National Guard I have to.and I'll just say it if i get kicked out of the Guard it would destroy my life god only knows what i would do. Another reason I WANT to stay clean is I'm trying to get a job in some type of Law-Enforcement career.
This Sickness I have keeps me from being happy. I see all my friends getting married, starting family's, having girlfriends just being happy. I mean they have their ups and downs but genuinely being happy. I'm not saying i want a relationship just because my friend are in one. I want a relationship because I just want to have that connection with someone. I believe that with someone their to help me through my PTSD it will make the transformation that much more easier. I'd be willing to leave my apartment, more willing to have more interaction with \"the outside world\". But then again who whats to be with a BROKE man?!?!?!
I WANT HELP.... I NEED HELP.... I STILL WANT TO BE MYSELF BUT A BETTER ME....
I love deployments. If i could stay on deployments for the rest of my life I'd do it in a heart beat. But no the GOV. sends me on a 12 month deployment and tell me everything i can and cant do They give me a roof over my head.... food in my stomach.... clothes to wear, and all i have to buy is snacks and hygiene supplies. And then the deployment is over and the GOV. gives me two weeks to change back into civilian mode. They might as well throw me to the WOLVES.
Yes in the past I have wanted to end it all (kill myself), but I know I'm better than that. There is now way I could let my family and friend down like that. I AM BETTER THAN THAT!!!!
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