B Movie - Unfinished Screenplay

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
An equal parts heart warming and hilarious tale about a couple of old timers who get together to make one last bad movie...or that's what it was supposed to be. Also, "that's what she said" jokes? Yeah, I'm not quite sure where my head was at with this one.

Submitted: April 12, 2013

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Submitted: April 12, 2013

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OVER BLACK WE HEAR GRAND, OMINOUS, ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.

INT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT (Year 1953)

Ryan Davis (age 5) watches in awe, through the red and green tinted lenses on his 3D glasses, the sci- fi visual spectacle “It came from Outer Space”.

MOVIE (o.s.):

(narration)

 “Ladies and gentlemen, the events I’m about to describe are going to sound incredible to most people. But I know they happened. I saw them happen. They happened to me.

One night, not very long ago, my fiancé and I saw a meteor like object, flash through the sky and fall to Earth in the Arizona desert (loud explosion)…”

 

The seemingly oncoming meteor, in its entire three dimensional glory, sends little Ryan’s popcorn airborne, as in a moment of panic the box flies out of his hands.

He sprints his way to the back of the theater and covers behind the last row of seats.

His mother and father call after him.

Ignoring them, he peeks over the seats, unable to take his eyes off the screen.

 

MOVIE (o.s.):

“I looked into it. I alone knew that the beings it carried - formless, terrifying beings from outer space,

planned to conquer the world so fiendishly: By entering into the bodies

and minds of captured human beings”.

 

That last line is followed by a classic glass shattering, blood curdling, feminine scream, as delivered by the narrator’s fiancé.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. RYAN’S HOME/KITCHEN – LATER THAT NIGHT

Ma and Pa Davis sit before their “even more joyous and hyperactive than usual” son, with a look on their faces that can only be described as puzzled.

 

RYAN’S MOTHER:

You want to…make movies?

 

RYAN:

(head shaking up and down)

Uh huh.

Ryan’s father gets up from his chair.

 

RYAN’S DAD:

Okay little fella, its getting pretty late.

(his hand on Ryan’s back, he leads him up the stairs and to his room)

You can’t come up with big ideas like those and not

feel the need to get some shut eye. Your head’s all worn out from thinking too much.

 

RYAN:

It is?

 

RYAN’S DAD:

You better believe it.

 

CUT TO:

INT. RYAN’S ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Pa Davis tucks Ryan in, says goodnight, before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

Ryan lies restless in bed, fidgeting left and right, unable to fall asleep.

He focuses his eyes upwards, on the ceiling, dimly illuminated by a lone beam of light coming from the street lamp outside.

Then, all of the sudden, as if that same lamp were a movie projector, a grainy old film starts playing on the ceiling.

Ryan watches, a wide grin appearing on his face.

The film seems to be partly influenced by “It came from outer space”, as the overly dramatic music leading into the first scene would suggest.

 

CEELING MOVIE:

A flying saucer hovers over 1950’s suburbia, the residents of the picturesque neighborhood all stand dumbfounded on their porches and lawns, not sure what to make of the sight.

A beam of light shoots its way from the saucer onto the street, forming a circle.

It is within this circle that an alien materializes, seemingly out of thin air.

With his big head, wide eyes, long pointy cloak, reptilian looking scales and laser gun in a side holster, he is an intimidating presence to be sure.

MAN:

(out of nowhere)
LOOK OUT!! IT’S GORGON, THE SPACE MONSTER!!!

 

A lady screams at the top of her lungs as Gorgon, laser gun in hand, starts dealing in heavy doses of death via cheap and cheesy looking laser beams.

An audience can be heard, some laughing, others applauding over this.

ANGLE ON:

Ryan, still in bed, still bug eyed and still with that wide grin on his face.

 

ANGLE ON:

The ceiling again, now with a different movie playing on it, one actually shot in color.

 

SECOND CEILING MOVIE:

A charming young man with excess amounts of hair gel, who’s also for some odd reason dressed like a cowboy, drives a jeep through a jungle.

He’s accompanied by a grizzled, bulky, old man, sporting a ridiculously sized moustache.

 

They’re both wearing eye patches, though on different eyes.

 

YOUNG MAN:

She had a wooden leg with a real foot,

strangest thing I’ve ever seen.

 

Again the audience can be heard cheering and laughing in the background.

 

GRIZZLED OLD MAN:

You sure can pick em.

(BEAT)

You do know where we’re going?

 

YOUNG MAN:

No idea actually.

I’ve just been driving around aimlessly, lost my bearings hours ago.

(his co-passenger gives him a look)

C’mon I’m kidding, we’re close.

 

Out of nowhere they hit someone, or something, the body flipping over the hood, breaking the windshield, and flying over the jeep.

The young man brings the jeep to a halt.

ANGLE ON:
Ryan, still lying in bed, staring intensely at the ceiling, just like before, with the only significant

difference this time being the fact that he has somehow transformed into a 63 year old version of himself, for no apparent reason.

Ryan’s aged into a skinny, freckled old man, with a receding hairline to boot.

 

GRIZZLED OLD MAN (o.s):

What the hell was that?!

 

YOUNG MAN(o.s):

I don’t know. Looked like some sort of zombie conquistador.

 

 

ANGLE ON THE PROJECTED MOVIE.

 

PAN OUT:

away from the movie, further back.

We’re in a small theater, the audience whose reaction we’ve been listening to all this time is there.

We continue moving backwards, silently and slowly gliding over the crowd of people, stopping at someone seated on a slightly higher stage. This is Ryan (age 63).

 

INT. CONVENTION CENTER/ HALL THAT’S BEING USED AS A MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT (YEAR 2011)

Ryan and Rip Haigh (age 53), the actor who at a younger age portrayed the character wearing the cowboy get up, sit on the higher stage, above the crowd, commenting with their mics on the film.

Rip’s got a full set of hair and the square jaw befitting only of a B-tier action hero, but his beer belly clearly says “out of shape”.

 

RYAN:

And people to this day still can’t believe you weren’t ad-libbing there.

 

RIP:

No way. That was just…all great scriptwriting.

Credit where credit’s do.

 

The crowd laughs.

RYAN:

(laughs softly then goes back to focusing on the movie)

Yeah so we used a steadicam, a panaglide, right here.

(BEAT)

You can see the camera rocking to the sides a bit as we turn corners.

 

THE OPENNING CREDITS START TO ROLL OVER THIS SCENE.

 

RIP:

You had only used that in “Witch Hunt” before, right?

 

RYAN:

Yeah we used it in “Witch Hunt”. It was very new at the time…but now

(noticing a small, clunky looking robot following the two main characters in the film)

what is this, this sinister little machine following our heroes?

 

RIP:
You think he’s getting much work these days?

 

RYAN:

(chuckles)

I don’t know.

 He hasn’t been to any of the cast reunions.

 

RIP:

Probably too busy being used to defuse bombs and

 drag terrorist off in Afghanistan, y’know, all that.

 

Awkward BEAT.

RYAN:

Tasteful.

 

RIP:

(laughing)

Yeah.

 

RYAN:

Rip’s gonna be here all week guys, ummm, what else, I guess

 don’t forget to tip your waitresses.

 

RIP:

These jokes man…we need to work on your structure.

 

RYAN:
You’d prefer maybe some

of those highfalutin “That’s what she said” jokes?

 

RIP:

You lack the timing for that old timer.

 

RYAN:

That’s what she said.

 

RIP
Well…

Good enough.


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