Ding Dong

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

A silly little tale about a domestic ding-dong and a doorbell that intervened

Bert burst into the living room and jumped for Joy. Joy responded by slapping his face.

‘Ow! What did you do that for?’

‘You shouldn’t jump at me like that,’ replied Joy.

‘I tripped on the carpet.’

‘You might have been a burglar or something.’

‘A burglar? Don’t be daft. I’m still in my pyjamas. How could you mistake me for a burglar?’

‘They’re not your pyjamas. They’re mine.’

‘Eh? Aw crikey, so they are. I thought I had the pants on back to front.’

‘Why are you still in pyjamas anyway? It’s nearly lunch time.’

‘I couldn’t find my clothes,’ said Bert. ‘They weren’t where I left them last night.’

‘You left them scattered on the bedroom floor. I picked them up this morning and put them where they belong: in the rubbish bin.’

‘You threw them in the rubbish?’

‘Of course. They’re disgusting. I’ve seen better clothing on scarecrows.’

‘They’re just comfortably worn in, that’s all. I’ll get years of wear out of ‘em yet.’ He headed for the back door.

‘Where do you think you are going?’

‘To get me togs out of the rubbish bin of course. They’re too good to chuck away like that.’

‘Don’t you realise how silly you look in my pyjamas? What if Miss Perkins next door sees you?’

‘Aw yeah. The old bat will think I’m a bit of a nancy, won’t she? Next thing, she’ll be on the blower to her mates, and they’ll flush me reputation right down the gurgler.’

Your reputation? I’m thinking more about mine. No respectable wife would allow her husband to cavort about the garden in lady’s pyjamas.’

‘Come off it. I wasn’t gonna do any cavorting. Just a quick dash to the rubbish bin and back.’

‘Well, I don’t suppose I can stop you doing that, but get dressed first, for goodness sake.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘My clothes are out there in the bin.’

‘I didn’t mean in those clothes, you idiot,’ said Joy. ‘You’ve got decent clothes in the bedroom.’

Joy had been on at Bert for ages to get rid of the tatty old clothes he liked to wear round the house. This morning, fate had given her a chance to get rid of them for good, and she wasn’t going to let him salvage them now. As soon as he went off to get dressed, she would nip out, grab his clothes from the bin and toss them into the incinerator. It was already half full of highly combustible rubbish. It would take only one match, and then…

DING-DONG.

‘Damn,’ said Joy. ‘Now there’s someone at the front door!’

‘Well I can’t very well answer it, can I?’ said Bert. ‘Not like this.’

‘Humph!’ said Joy. ‘I suppose I’d better go. But don’t even think of dashing out to the bin in those pyjamas while I’m gone.’

‘Yes, dear,’ said Bert.

Joy took a step toward the front door, and then veered toward the back door. She locked it and took the key with her.

‘Hey, that’s not fair,’ said Bert. ‘Don’t you trust me?’

‘No.’

DING-DONG, DING-DONG went the doorbell. ‘Alright! Alright!’ said Joy. ‘I’m coming.’ She flung the door open with more force than necessary and favoured the visitor with a glare that would melt steel. ‘What?’ she snapped. And then, ‘Oh, it’s you Jessica. I’m sorry, I thought … how lovely to see you.’

‘Wow,’ said Jessica. ‘Did I catch you at a bad time?’

‘No, of course not.’ Joy smiled sweetly, and then frowned. ‘Well, yes. Bert and I were having a bit of a ding dong, and then the doorbell got in on the act. It sounded urgent. Is there some kind of emergency?’

‘No, not really. I just wanted you to answer the door quickly without bothering to tidy yourself up or anything. It’s not a formal visit.’

‘Well really, Jessica,’ said Joy. ‘That’s horrid of you. You know I always keep myself tidy, even when I’m not expecting visitors.’

‘Of course, dear. But I was thinking more about Bert. I suppose he’s still in his pyjamas.’

‘No, he’s not.’

‘Oh. I got that wrong then.’

‘He’s in my pyjamas!’

Your pyjamas? Really?’ Jessica giggled.

‘It’s nothing to laugh about,’ said Joy. ‘Bert came to bed last night after watching rugby on the telly and drinking too much beer. I was asleep, so he undressed in the dark and got into clean pyjamas—except he got them out of my drawer by mistake. He’s not long out of bed, and so dozy that he didn’t even realise he was in my pyjamas until I told him just now.’

‘And he’s still wearing them?’

‘I should think so. He wanted to get his clothes from the rubbish bin, but I locked the door on him.’

‘From the rubbish bin?’

‘That’s where I threw his scruffy old clothes after I found them scattered about the bedroom floor this morning.’

‘Oh, this is precious, Joy. Do you think I could come in and see him for a moment?’

‘Oh … well … he might not like that.’ She paused. ‘But I don’t care. You can give him a bit of stick for it if you like. It might make him go easier on the beer next time he watches late night rugby.’

‘Good,’ said Jessica, ‘but you’d better let me explain why I have called.’

***

Bert wondered what was taking Joy so long. He could hear her gossiping with someone at the front door. As long as the caller was there, he couldn’t get past the door to the bedroom, and he was starting to feel a bit chilly in Joy’s flimsy pyjamas.

She must have been at the front door for ten or fifteen minutes before she returned to the living room,

‘Has she gone?’ asked Bert.

‘How do you know it was a she?’ asked Joy.

‘I could hear voices, but not what you were talking about.’

‘Yes, well it’s Jessica, Fred’s wife, and she has a message for you.’

‘She’s not still here is she?’

Jessica appeared in the doorway. ‘Good morning, Bertie,’ she said. ‘Or is it Gertie?’

Bert coloured. ‘I can explain—’

‘No need,’ said Jessica with a smile. ‘Joy has told me what happened. I just popped in with a message from Fred.’

‘Yeah?’

‘He’s having a thirtieth birthday party next Saturday and he wants you to come. All your rugby mates will be there. Fred said to tell you that refusal is not an option. Please promise that you’ll come.’

‘Of course I promise. Fred’s me mate. I wouldn’t miss his party for anything.’

‘I’ll make sure he keeps his promise,’ said Joy. ‘But I think you ought to tell him.’

‘Tell me what?’ asked Bert.

‘Fred doesn’t want the occasion to be too formal,’ replied Jessica, ‘so—‘

‘That’s great,’ interrupted Bert. ‘I’m all in favour of being informal.’

‘Good,’ said Jessica. ‘That’s it then. Must dash now. Bye.’

‘Well, that was embarrassing,’ said Bert after Jessica had gone.

‘Not as much as it’s going to be. You didn’t let her finish.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s a Come as You Are party.’

The End


Submitted: April 24, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Vance Currie. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:

Comments

niah

Very entertaining I enjoyed the ending.

Sun, April 25th, 2021 10:24am

Author
Reply

Thank you, niah. I tried to make the ending a surprise, but there were a few unavoidable clues in the story.

Sun, April 25th, 2021 1:39pm

Sharief Hendricks

Haha Vance

Excellent little romp with a classic Vance signature.

One of my favourite lines were when Joy told Bert it was not his pyjamas he thought he was wearing...back to front...the cross dressing had to appear , loved it !

Its so good to see you writing again, Vance...keep it up sir, there are plenty of us that love your work.

Mon, April 26th, 2021 8:46am

Author
Reply

Thanks, Sharief. It's much shorter than my usual stories, but I had a bit of fun writing it.

Mon, April 26th, 2021 2:23am

M.C.R.

This was indeed funny!
I especially loved the beginning and end :D

Tue, May 4th, 2021 10:55pm

Author
Reply

Thank you, MCR. That makes me happy.

Tue, May 4th, 2021 7:54pm

M.C.R.

I'm so glad, everybody deserves to be happy :D

Wed, May 5th, 2021 5:54pm

Author
Reply

Yes, they do. That's one of the nice things about Booksie. We have a chance to make people happy with the things we write and with the encouragement that we give each other.

Wed, May 5th, 2021 2:29pm

M.C.R.

Most definitely agreed. Booksie is a great site that allows writers to share their creations and get feedback. It makes my day sometimes, and it feels great reading something good for free and then making the author smile from honest feedback.

Thu, May 6th, 2021 1:34am

M.C.R.

Most definitely agreed. Booksie is a great site that allows writers to share their creations and get feedback. It makes my day sometimes, and it feels great reading something good for free and then making the author smile from honest feedback.

Thu, May 6th, 2021 1:34am

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