Where Are You Now

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Written by Vanida Lim. Part 2 of "I Shall Wait".

Submitted: August 28, 2012

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Submitted: August 28, 2012

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I can’t even remember,
The last time I saw your face
I can’t even remember,
The last time we embraced

If only you were here,
So I can tell you how I feel
If only you were here,
So I know that my reality is real
 

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I lost so many tears already,
That I will never be able to regain
When will the next time be,
That I will be able to see you again?

I write poems because it helps,
When I’m angry and/or sad
This is the second poem now,
But why am I still gloomy and mad?

It’s been a long while,
And it’s just turning into faded memories
But those memories I’ll always remember,
Because they consist of you and me

I’ve already went through enough shit in my life,
People look at me and they just don’t even realize
That half the time I smile,
It’s fake and the true sadness in my eyes

Because I don’t let this hold me down,
Even though I almost think about you every day
But I refuse to cry because no matter how hard I do,
Crying won’t make the pain go away

You fucked up pretty badly,
And became hated almost by everyone
But out of all those people,
I, myself, was not one of them

You also don’t know,
That my views of you never changed
Even when you thought you lost everything,
And that you only caused sadness and rage

I was scared to do anything back then,
I didn’t know how to approach you
I didn’t know how to comfort,
And to make each other laugh like you used to

I didn’t want to make anything worse,
But if I could go back in time I would
I would’ve made sure you were not alone,
Because having me right beside you would’ve been good

Now everything’s all weird
But I still managed to pull through
And  I have a feeling you think,
I have forgotten about you

I haven’t and I never will
I don’t love anyone as much as I love you
I never felt so much pain at all,
That I struggled so badly to get through

There were times I was angry,
And I blamed you for everything
I blamed you for fucking things up,
And chickening out by just leaving

I hated you for giving up,
And hurting the people I love
I hated you for lying,
And so many more reasons I didn’t mention above

Of all the times I tried to defend you,
I would only get in more shit for doing so
You don’t even know how hard I tried to fix things,
The struggles you’ll never know

There are so many questions I want to ask you,
But I know I’d never be able to
Only because I know that if I had a chance,
Just hugging you would be the only thing I’d want to do

It’s funny how I can remember our memories,
Like it just happened somewhat yesterday
And then bam, all those memories,
Are practically all gone and faded away

Seeing all these happy people,
Oh yeah, I definitely get jealous
And hearing crybabies complain about their lives,
Just gets me more furious

They don’t know the shit I’ve been through,
They think their life is hard?
Try fucking stepping in my shoes for once,
And seeing if cuts in your heart will ever be unscarred

And what pisses me off even more,
Are the people that think they can comfort you
Tell you the corny shit, “Oh, life is worse in Africa,
Just keep your head up, it’ll be better, it’s true”

How about you shut the hell up,
I almost hear that all the time from everyone
Sometimes it’s best you just tell me you’ll be there,
Because saying stuff like that is easier said than done

And then there are the people,
That just love to make my life even more miserable
Being bad by trying to start shit with me,
When they don’t know how sensitive I am and fragile

See, I’m already getting fucking angry,
By reminiscing everything you did
By remembering all the shit I went through,
When I shouldn’t have been so young, as a kid

But whatever, I got my own life now
Where my friends and other family make up most of it
But still wishing you were here,
Is something I’m still willing to admit

Hey, did you know I’m almost done high school?
That I’m going to be going to college next year
Look at how much time passed,
And how long you weren’t even there

Hey, did you know that I even have a job?
I’ve been working for quite a while
I remember when I used to tell I wanted to work at the flea market,
Just to make you laugh and see you smile

Hey, remember when you always used to take me out?
We’d always buy chicken nuggets from McDonald’s,
Because that shit tasted so good,
And seeing Mom angry at us would made us chuckle

And do you remember when late at night,
I’d always wake you up because I couldn’t go myself
Because going to the washroom was scary as hell,
But you went with me anyway and didn’t mind yourself

But look at us now,
It’s like we’re now from two different worlds
It’s like our bond no longer  exists,
Me living in my reality and you in yours

I can’t believe you’re missing out on a lot of things,
It’s not just me, but little Vanessa too
She’s good at hiding it, but I feel her hidden pain,
She doesn’t deserve this, how could you?

Then I start to ask myself more questions,
Will I ever see you again?
What about when I get married,
You being there at my beginning, but not end?

What about when I have kids?
How are you doing, are you even doing well?
It’s killing me not knowing anything,
Since I never see or hear from you, I can’t tell

If I ever do see or hear from you again,
I wouldn’t even know how to react
How do we retrieve what you’ve missed out on,
Everything we’ll never be able to reenact

I’ll confess I’m anxiously waiting,
All my emotions are still be bottled inside
When it’ll at least make me relieved,
Knowing you’re well and alive

But as of now,
I don’t even know what I am waiting for
But these worried and eager feelings,
I just don’t want to feel it anymore

...But I'm going to try to not let this hold me down,
Even though I think about you almost everyday
I try to refuse to cry because no matter how hard I do,
I know that crying won't make the pain go away.


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