I look back on all of the things I should have done.
Maybe if i had spent more time with you... or held you more... maybe you would still be here.
It was the 2007 and I was hating life. The 2nd grade wasn't doing it for me.
I walked through the door and a little fluff of golden fur jumped up to greet me.
You were perfect. My best friend. I held you in my arms and smiled a record breaking smile.
You had chocolate eyes and a tail that wagged in a random motion. You licked my face and you smelled new. Sweet.
You came from a litter of 4 others but my mother had chosen you.
You deserved the best things.
The best food, the best toys, the best life.
You made my life bright.
I took days to name you, but I finally decided on Duchess.
It was royalty.
It was angelic and beautiful.
I came home, threw my stuff in my room and i would go outside.
I had these bubbles that smelled like grape and you would love to pop them.
But... I stopped running out to meet you right away...
I would leave the yard...
I would walk for hours...
I still spent time with you, but not near as much as you deserved.
You would stand by the gate watching me walk away.
And you would be so happy when i returned.
One time when I went to school, my parents left the gate open.
You stood there.
In the open space.
And waited until they returned.
You could have left.
You could have ran away and never came back.
But you sat there.
And patiently waited until they came back.
You were the perfect dog.
I loved you.
We would play in the snow together and I would sneak you cookies when my mother wasn't looking.
You became sick.
And i didn't understand why.
You would sleep alot but you weren't even 1 yet. I thought it would pass and you would be happy again.
You wouldn't eat or drink.
But i thought it would end soon and you would be back to running around with me.
I came home from school one day but i didn't see you.
I waited a hours.
I looked for you but i was thinking you were someone else.
And that you would be back soon.
I tried sleeping that night, but i couldn't.
You usually slept next to me and kept me warm.
My bed was lonely.
And i missed you.
I crawled out of bed and padded over to my mom's room.
I touched her shoulder and she looked up.
"Where's Duchess?" Is all I asked.
She looked at me for a minute and simply said "I'll tell you in the morning."
I was satisfied with this.
I knew you would be back.
So i went to bed, knowing i would see you tomorrow.
I woke up.
Did my usual routine.
Expecting my mom to tell me immediately.
But she didn't.
I tied my sneakers and sat infront of her, expecting her to tell me.
When she didn't I asked again "Where is Duchess?"
And she looked at me...
her eyes got red and she said that we had to put her down...
That she was too sick...
That she was suffering...
That this was better for her...
I began crying... And i don't remember that day of school.
When i reached for the tissues my mom said "Grab one for me too."
That was one of the few times i had seen her cry.
And it really hit me.
I would never see your golden fur.
Your brown eyes.
Or feel you lay against mee while i did homework and read.
It's been 6 years...
And i'm still convinced that if i had done something different...
That you would still be here...
If i had spent more time with you...
Or played with you more...
You would be sitting here next to me...
And I would get to see you when i walked home...
Your pure gold fur shining in the light as you ran toward me...
And loving me another day dispite how i look...
or what I sound like...
And you would be my best friend for many more years...
I miss you...
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