My Love Affair With UPS Men

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Why UPS men are my knights in shining (brown) armor

Submitted: January 13, 2011

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Submitted: January 13, 2011

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I was at the public mailboxes place yesterday picking up my usual plethora of mail-ordered items when I happened to run into their UPS guy. I shot him a saucy look that nearly made him leap out of his cushy brown high-top footwear. I might have scared him, and certainly startled him, because I'm sure the last thing he was expecting when he came to make his drop was to get hit on by a package-laden, practically-middle-aged woman. But what he, and apparently very few people know, is that I love UPS men. I love them to a man, without exception, because I have a history with them that goes way way back. There was a time when the UPS man was my knight in shining armor, arriving on his big (brown) steed to rescue me from my day.

I have always worked in a woman dominated field and very often the only male species that would cross my path was the UPS man. It didn't matter if he was balding, chicken-legged, or wearing ill-fitting dentures, just the fresh breeze of testosterone that he brought with him every day was alluring in itself. Plus, I don't know if you've noticed this, but UPS men are always very friendly and nice. They are all sweethearts really. Well, I take that back. Tim was a ready-to-retire curmudgeon who bitterly complained about everything in his cigarette-raspy voice. But I knew his secret. He was a marshmallow on the inside. He used to surprise me with single red roses, fashion magazines, pastries, and one time even a miniature fir tree. He was a closet romantic that Tim was. And every time I cross his old route and see some young new upstart driving the big brown truck, I think of him and how happy he must be in his retirement - just his dog, his cigars, and his hammock hooked up between the apple trees.

To this day the sight of a man in a brown uniform brings about a Pavlovian response in me to flirt and flirt wildly. As for the UPS men themselves, I think they must send them through flirting-with-lonely-shop-girl trainings, because they always seems so light-hearted yet sincere. As if you were the only pretty girl on their route, when in fact they must be employing the same witty banter with the bored and lonely flower girl down the street.

This is not to in anyway suggest that UPS men are shallow cads. Far from it! They are usually very thoughtful men. Knowing how I felt about UPS as an institution, every Christmas my local man would give me a free UPS calendar with pictures of UPS men jauntily delivering packages at locales all around the world. And I always cherished my UPS pin up calendar - to me it represented my kinship with all the men in brown.

Now you would think that with all this romanticizing of the men in brown, that I have actually dated a UPS guy, but sadly that is not the case. I would certainly consider it if the opportunity arose, because there is something about them that makes me imagine they would be protective, caring, chivalrous, and reassuringly salt-of-the earth. So perhaps one day he will come - the UPS man who will sweep me off my feet - but until then I guess I'll just stick with the daily dose of flirting and teasing.


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