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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
I miss her so much

Submitted: February 26, 2008

A A A | A A A

Submitted: February 26, 2008




By Landon Gray

I've been meaning to write this one for forever. I guess I've sort of been intimidated by the idea that this written account of what happened to me wouldn't capture in any way how an incredible experience changed me. But, I might as well try, it's important to me that I try, and it's important I write this for her, even if she never reads it.

I met her while I was on vacation in the town of Bradenton, Florida. I had been there for a few days with my dad and brothers, and towards the end of the vacation, we decided to dine at the 'City Pier Restaurant.' I had no idea that the decision to eat there would become one of the greatest and worst experience of my life. It's important to me, and I'm not sure if the reader cares at all, if the reader is just skimming over this stuff, looking for something interesting, or actually taking the time to understand all of this.

When I first saw her on the pier, she was taking tourists to their seats. It was funny because when I saw her I first considered the possibility of getting to know more about her, but I shrugged it off. I mean, come on, who am I? Just another tourist, right? Just another kid looking for a bite to eat, and then maybe do a little fishing off the pier after dinner. So, as I said before, I shrugged the foolish notion out of my head and waited patiently for the her to sit us down at our table.

As it turned out, we had our waitress take us to our seats, who wasn't her. It was a girl named Katy. I sat down with my family, and as I took my seat, I saw her across from me at the next table, cleaning it off for the next round of people.

I ordered fish and chips, along with a sweet iced tea. It wasn't bad at all, though I ordered a bit too much. Outside the windows of the pier, a storm was brewing. We had a bay side view, and it was nice to watch it roll in and hit the other side of the bay.

About halfway through the meal, our waitress, Katy, came over to me.

“I need you to do something for me” she said.

I found this a little strange, but I obliged to the task.

“I need you to write down your phone number, it doesn't have to be yours, but I need you to write down a number for that girl right over there.” She pointed towards the hostess I had been eying before.

I wrote down my number, despite her telling me that the number didn't have to be mine if I wasn't interested. And of course I was interested, very interested actually. She took the number over to her. The hostess came over herself this time.

“This isn't your number is it?” She asked.

“You bet your ass that's my number,” I told her “I'll even write down my Dads' number.”

And so I did.

By this time the storm my family and I had been watching had found its way over to the pier. It was so interesting to watch, the lightning illuminating the night sky, the waves that had grown in size and intensity. We talked idly for while, waiting for the storm to pass. Her name was Jessica, but she liked the name Jessi. Not a lot was said really, it was weird. I had never really been in that situation before. The restaurant was empty of customers, and it seemed like the whole staff was watching us, waiting for something to happen.

When the storm passed, I went back to the car to get my fishing pole and bait. When I got back to the end of the pier, she was still there. We talked as I fished, this time without the entire staff watching. We talked for quiet a while until finally my dad suggested that she take me out on a tour of the island.

At first, questions were real general between us. We were both sort of trying to figure the other out. She took me to an empty parking lot. That's really where we got to know each other for the first time, sitting there in that empty parking lot. I remember vividly the feeling I had talking with her; butterflies. Even during the dry moments when neither of us had anything to say, I just remember looking into her eyes, and her looking into mine.

I mean Jesus Christ! She was so beautiful. She was so perfect. I could look into her eyes and see forever. It was never awkward, and that was the amazing thing. Not once. And just as I was about to kiss her, she turned away.

“No I can't, I have to be good.”

“Whats wrong?”

“I have a boyfriend.”

This sparked an almost panicked feeling in me. What was I doing? This girl is already involved! I didn't know what to do. So, I told her my dad probably needed me back at the pier where he and my brothers were fishing. We still talked on the way back, but I was in a state of semi-shock. We said our goodbyes, and that she would call me when she got home. I said that was fine, and hastily walked back towards my dad. I didn't know what to do, so I consulted with him. He didn't honestly know what to do either, but just to call her and see if she wants to hang out the next day.

And so I did.

And as it turned out, she happened to be working until 9 PM the next day. But, she offered to hang out when she was off work. I agreed to it, and so there I was. Those butterflies I talked about before, amplified by ten fold.

The next day, I cleared my mind. I hung out with my family all day. We went to the beach, ate some delicious barbecue. We snorkeled around a shipwreck. I had never done anything like that before; snorkeling a shipwreck. It wasn't all to visible beneath the water due to the murky green algae that had was around it. Even still, it seemed to be what I needed to clear my head. My brothers had a great time, and for it, I felt good. It was great to see them have such fun. Elliott, the youngest, had never even seen the beach before this vacation.

It was when I got back to the condominium we were staying at I felt the butterflies come back in full force. My dad and brothers left to go see a movie, and I was left alone with my thoughts.

“Do I have the right clothes?”

“Do I need a haircut?”

“Do I have cologne?”

“Do I have any idea what I'm doing?”

“Will she think I'm a loser?”

“Oh shit.”

Needless to say, I was well dressed, good smelling, train wreck. And I probably did need a haircut.

She picked me up sometime around 9:30. I saw the car pull up in the lot, and I forgot everything. Someone probably could've asked me what my name was and I probably couldn't have told them.

She was sitting behind the wheel of her car, not very visible, and it was dark. On the ride to her apartment, (which was conveniently only a few blocks away) we talked. Just small talk, you know the typical 'what did you do today?' kind of thing.

But it was when I saw her out of the car my heart just about jumped through my chest, my breath STOPPED. Literally, I had to catch it, and I hoped she hadn't noticed. She was the most beautiful girl I had/have ever laid my eyes on. She wore a green polo and shorts. She walked confidently, with perfect posture.

“Oh fuck. I'm in too deep here” the panicked words ran through my mind.

She didn't seem to notice, she just kept walking to the stairs, then up, then unlocked the door, and I followed.

She had her own apartment. She was only 18 years old. Me, a 17 year old kid, couldn't imagine having my own place at age 18. But there I was, standing in her apartment, completely dumbfounded at the entire situation. Here was a girl I met a day before, on vacation, and here I was standing in her apartment, oblivious to the impact all this would have.

Things escalated quickly. First we were just watching TV. Then we were laying in front of the TV. Then we were kissing. Then we were suddenly in her room, naked.

That night was a blur of excitement, stress, relaxation, bliss, and curiosity. All I remember was looking deeply in her eyes as she was on top of me. I could close my eyes and see it perfectly right now. It is an image that is forever seared onto the back of my eyelids. I could be an old man with Alzheimers, sitting in a wheelchair in a retirement home, and I would remember that. I would remember that even though it was dark in her room, I could still see her eyes, and I could see her staring back.

Tim O'Brien once wrote while detailing his affection towards a girl that he "wanted to be a part of her" and "melt into her." I hadn't read his book "The Things They Carried" which contained those lines. But I remember having the same feeling. I guess it's because I knew I was leaving soon. I wanted to become part of her and stay with her for forever.

I'm sorry there isn't much more to say about that time I spent in her room. I wish I could put it on paper, but I can't. It wouldn't be enough. It would be a disservice.

On the way home we held hands. We didn't talk much. We didn't have to. That's the amazing thing. We never really had to talk, we just sort of knew, I guess. We just knew it was right.

It was four in the morning. I collapsed onto my bed and fell asleep. When I awoke, I texted her asking her what she was doing today. Within an hour, we were back at her place. We didn't really leave the apartment, except to go get a pepperoni pizza from Little Cesar. We just layed in her bed, talking all day. I loved/still love her. I was spending my last day on vacation in an apartment with a girl I met 2 days ago.

I couldn't have been any happier.

Before I left Bradenton, I left a seashell at her apartment with our initials on the back. I couldn't stand it. With a stern, emotionless face I got in my dads car, and we drove off. I love her so much...

We talked over the phone for several months. But we both knew it had to end. She was still with her boyfriend. I live in fucking Ohio. It wasn't going to work. I said goodbye to her for the last time on the front steps of my best friends house. That was the first time I had cried in many years. I didn't even cry during my fucking parents divorce. No wait- I tried once. I sat at the end of my bed and tried to force myself to cry. I got one tear, then stopped, called the idea stupid, and went along with the rest of my day.

Jessi, you taught me what real love is. You taught me what loss is like. You brought my greatest joy and worst despair. And I don't regret any of it. I loved you. I still love you. I will always love you. I am always here for you.

This one, is done. Its over, so don't fret Jordan.

The End.

© Copyright 2018 Victor Gray. All rights reserved.

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