Our Prices Are To Die For!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Death is f-ing expensive!

Submitted: January 08, 2008

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Submitted: January 08, 2008

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"Statement of Michael Arrowood. Arrested for grave robbing. Over $200,000 worth! A felony.Go ahead Mr. Arrowood. Please spell your name for the record. Why did you do it?"

"A-r-r-o-w-o-o-d. You wonder why? Because we love each other so madly that we can do these things. Whatever it takes to make it....it started as a joke and my undying charity. When the first of the cash came in...well...who knew the demand existed for such things in this century. My beautiful wife Zuzi, is not Igor from the old Frankenstein movies or a ghoul to rob persons of their organs. Humans are cheap...especially Americans. We tookyour capitalistic views and ran with it. I do not feel guilty for anything. Most of these people will be "relocated" in a few years anyway to make way for a housing development or some asshole-shopping mall...or even a fucking Wal-Mart! How is that for irony! My "clients" refer to us as the Wal-Mart of the afterlife, "Our prices are to die for!" That first old woman who didn't have any money to bury her husband, and the help we provided her and the thankfulness of her. It was worth every shovel full of dirt right there! Zuzi and I were always rather....different, would be an adjective some would use. We had our own way about us. We met just like any couple and fell in love. We were driving down south one year and we stopped off at a cemetery in a well know town. I won't mention it because of possible prosecution by the local laws, but we were walking around looking at all the graves. Nothing like death to make you horny! When your mortality is in your face, you tend to let loose. Well, Zuzi and I made slow passionate love in a variety of "areas" in the place. It was great! She screamed so loud, the few people there probably thought the place was haunted! One couple ran screaming from the cemetery, all we could do was laugh!"

"Alright, get back to your statement..."

"Well, we came back and I hear that Mrs. So-and-So's husband died. She apparently can't afford the cost of the funeral. She is such a sweet old lady, it broke my heart to hear it. I was down in the dumps and Zuzi asked me why. So I told her. We start looking at the prices of coffins and stuff to see if we can help somehow and damn the prices! You get screwed coming into the world and screwed going out! These are the people that should be sitting here not me! Anyway, I can't come up with the 6,000 Dollars to help her and she has no kids to help. So I get an idea. I start looking through the obituaries for the most scummy, verminous, pieces of human filth that has died recently. I come acrossan asshole pedophile who killed himself in jail. I have a connection that knows things, where said asshole was buried. I call them and ask. They told me. I grabmy "old lady"and off we go. Just like the movies under the moonlight, in the middle of the night, I dig. The hole took about three hours of hard digging before I hit the coffin. That coffin is more than that asshole deserves, but not hexing myself, I brought along a series of boxes to replace what I took. I can't believe that you waste tax payer money on embalming those who do the things that that guy did. That is robbery! Zuzi was great. I can't believe that she didn't throw up as I was wrestling with the corpse. At one point I had him standing up facing the dirt as I pulled him out of the hole. That was the worst of the business. Having to deal with pulling them out. Some of those bodies were just disgusting. The smell alone would choke a vulture. The clothes were made better than some of the embalming work. Some would only be three or four days dead and look as though they had lived in a worm farm for a month. Heads falling off. Pulling them out of the graves arms, legs, andfeet would come flying off. Always had to pull them out by their clothes to be sure. The nature and evolution of decomposition is fascinating. Mother Earth is needing a lot of credit! Don't look at me as though I've lost my mind. What do you notice is fascinating? How they get jelly in that doughnut?"

"Don't be disrespectful!"

"That is sarcasm, s-a-r-c-a-s-m.Why? Will you arrest me! After I showed up to the old lady's house with the "surprise", she was so grateful. She didn't ask questions. Which was good because I didn't want to tell her, one, how I got it and two, how I cleaned it. A garden hose and Dawn dish detergent. A messy business that is. Sometimes I would have to clean it two or three times and the stains of decomposing inards and humans out of them! Man that stuff would still linger. The smell as well, you know that smell of dead carcass on the side of the road in the summer smelled better than this! Zuzi said I could make them smell like a whore's suit case!"

" What was your wife's involvement?"

"She did nothing but hand me water. And act as my cheerleader. Which was great! She also did a rather unique graveyard fashion show. Ahhh!Mysexy Slovak woman withgreat next to nothing outfits! From Elvira Mistress Of The Dark, murdered cheerleader, overdosed runway model to Bride Of Frankenstein! Wow! She is awesome! I love her! The few times we got pulled over by the cops, we were let go. We told them we were on the way to a costume party! They would look at her and we would be off! You can't charge her with anything. She can not incriminate me by law, husband and wife confidentiality. I made sure you can not implicate her either. I take full responsiblity. The old lady said that her friend had the same problem. A dead spouse and no money. She asked if I could help. I told her I will see what happens and that I would look around. So the internet came in handy yet again. I began to find countless low lifes and criminals who were dying daily."

"So the State of Texas was you most used state? Because of the express death penalty?"

"Not as many as you would think. I never dug in one state more than four or five times. I wasn't doing it to be greedy but to help those that couldn't help their loved ones."

"Take from the dead and give to the less fortunate dead? You are an angel,so who were your clients?"

"I'll never tell you. You can go dig up every grave from here to the Pacific. I'll never tell. After a couple of poor old ladies with not a lot of money, I got rather apopular following. My Catholic clients would refer to me as "St. Grave Digger". Once the Church heard what was going on, they referred some clients to me. They didn't even ask for a cut or call me a blasphemer for digging up the dead. I never stole anything off the corpses just the coffins they were laying in. I always replaced the coffins with something. Boxes or bubble wrap. By the way, good luck determining which criminals I dug up. You only have the one.

"Well you have made bail. You are free to go, for now."

"Really? Who posted the bail?"

"The bond was signed by a, Father O' Mally. How nice....."

There is knock on the door and an officer comes in....He whispers to the detective. The detective seems really pissed off.

"How the Hell did that happen? Who signed the paperwork on that! Stupid! Fucking stupid!"

The officer shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders....

"Get out of my sight! Idiots!

The officer leaves and the detective throws his coffee cup at the door, shattering it into a million pieces.

"Mr.Arrowood the charges have been dropped since the corpse has disappeared....apparently. You are free to go. I don't suggest you drive around with any gardening equipment for awhile. In fact, don't even go near a graveyard don't even look at one. I'll have you arrested....again. Be thankful....you are very lucky. Go. Get the Hell out of my sight!"

"Have a good nightand remember me whenyou are shopping for your grateful dead!"


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