"Those who said it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, have obviously never loved and lost before."

Dear Sophie,

it’s been a week since I’ve last come up to see you, and let me tell you, that song from Coldplay – I know it was your favourite song – The Scientist, has been playing in my head ever since. I can barely get through a day without the words of the song resonating in my head.

Songs have never touched me, Sophie. You knew that. It was you who had melodies in your head and lyrics floating off your tongue. It was you who would sing all day – more often than you talked. I was the one with my feet planted firmly on the ground. Music meant nothing to me. But now, I find myself playing the same songs over and over and over again. The same songs you used to sing. I remember them all, Sophie.

I’ve been coming up here every day since you left. It’s been so long now but it feels like just yesterday when I held your hand for the last time. I haven’t been saying much, but that’s not because I didn’t want to talk to you. I couldn’t. I couldn’t speak. Every time I tried, I’d choke. You always said that I never let my emotions show, and you were right. Before this, I never cried. Now, I can’t stop.

This letter is the only way I can tell you how I feel now. I’m not good with words, but I’ll do my best. I’ll sing your song too. The Scientist. Please listen to me, Sophie.

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry

You don’t know how lovely you are

I’m here, Sophie. I’m standing right here. And I’m so sorry. I should have said no when they called me back to work. I should have said no to those big projects that took me away from you. I should have spent more time with you, and I should have told you, more often, that you’re lovely. You’re beautiful. Because now I have all the time in the world but I can never say those words to you again.

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

You were different from everyone else. I felt it when I first saw you. Every time you walk into the room, it’s brighter. Your smile is like sunlight. I remember how you used to complain that you had big teeth. Your teeth were perfect, you silly girl. People could just live off your smile – believe me; I’ve seen the way they look at you. You just light things up, Sophie. You were nothing like the rest.

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions

Oh let’s go back to the start

You were always asking me if you talked too much. You did talk a lot, Sophie, but I never minded. I loved hearing your voice. You said the funniest things sometimes. Even now, I still laugh when I think about them. You were never afraid to ask difficult questions. Even though I was afraid of the answers. If I could turn back time, Sophie, I’d go back and answer every single one of them.

Running in circles, and coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

Some days, I can hardly drag myself out of bed. I don’t want to face the silence. I don’t want to have to go another day without hearing your voice, seeing your face or even smelling that apple-scented cream that you put in your hair every morning. We know it’s hard to lose the one you lose. But do you know just how hard?

I was just guessing, at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

I’m a scientist, Sophie. I spend my days in the laboratory, working on things that need formulae and calculations – things that are solid fact. I used to believe that everything had an explanation. Everything came down to science. You were the dreamer, not me. And yet these days, I find myself dreaming all the time. I dream of your lips, the way your eyes light up when you’re happy, the way your hair looks from the back… I know I spent a lot of time at the lab. It’s only now that I realize how much. I thought that I had to be there, that I had to find a reason for everything. It was my duty. I can’t go back there any more, Soph. I regret every moment I wasted there, when I could have been with you. Because now all I want is to be with you again, but no scientific explanation can deny the fact that you’re gone. And no formula could ever bring you back.

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, and chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

I want you to come back, Sophie. I’m sorry for every time I was annoyed at you. I’m sorry for all the times I thought of you as a nuisance. I would give anything to have you back here. You haunt me, Sophie, the memories I have of you. The day I first saw you – you were, and will always be, the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I remember the day I first spoke to you – how your eyes said so much more than your lips. I remember everything, Sophie. How you looked; so pale, so still, as you lay there in your coffin. How your hair curled around your face. How peaceful you looked. I was so sure there was the slightest smile on your lips. I hope you’re happy, Sophie, wherever you are now. I’m so tired of missing you. It’s like a bad dream that I just can’t wake up from. I want to wake up, Soph. I want to wake up.

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start.

Submitted: February 20, 2013

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