Butterflies Letters for Lesbains

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just felt like writing!! Hope you enjoy it!!

Submitted: February 17, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: February 17, 2012



I traced my finger against the cold glass of the windows, my mind traveling over the vast miles past the four walls of my small apartment.

My small apartment....I turned the thought over and over in my head.  I was 19 now and finally living on my own.  Living with my parents I was basically living on my own anyway.  They weren't there that much, always out with other people.  Never truly home with me.  They made sure that there was food in the fridge though and would eventually come home sometime.  They were always there before I went to sleep or when I would wake up in the morning.  At least they went out together and weren't going out to separate places with different people.  That would tear me apart even more. 

However, I was too afraid to bring anyone over when I lived with them.  I was afraid of them walking in and finding us, then I would be in a world of trouble.  Though it wasn't just "anyone", it was my girlfriend.  They knew I was a lesbian, but they didn't fully approve.  I try to tell myself that it isn't my fault that they go out every night to get drunk and have fun and leave me behind.  I try to convince myself that it wasn't a coincidence that they started going out about a week after I told them I was gay about four years ago.  That my mother didn't cry herself to sleep for a month straight after I told her.  That my dad wasn't avoiding my eyes whenever he walked in and the only reason he doesn't hug me anymore is because he was busy.  But I wasn't able to believe my own lies. 

I looked down at my arms, the faded scars still there.  I had fifteen with homophobic parents and very few friends.  I wasn't close to many people because I was a bit too...awkward.  I had trouble with truly fitting in and I had trouble with going up and talking to people.  I let people come to me, but not many people did.  And the people I called my "friends" were only people that I was able to talk to at school and have a decent conversation with.  There were no sleepovers.  No birthday invites.  No swaping secrets.  No nothing.  After I came out to my parents, it suddenly seemed like the whole school found out.  Or maybe it was just people started saying things to my face and decided it was high time they stopped talking behind my back.  Ever since someone figured out that a picture of two girls together in the art exhibit was my picture--though the artist was suppose to be anonymous--people started talking.  And people started to avoid me.  Bunch of stuck up pricks.

By the time I turned sixteen, I was depressed. I cried myself to sleep every night and would go silent as my parents walked in drunk and laughing.  They were happy in their world while I was miserable and lonely in mine.  When I was getting close to seventeen, my body would bleed almost every night from cuts that I would dig into my skin.  However, on my birthday two and a half years ago, God gave me the most wonderful birthday gift...

I had been at the park about a mile from my house.  I had been on my favorite bridge that went over the small pond.  This was the spot, my spot, that I started going to whenever I wanted to be out of the house.  So I was there a lot of the time.  In my mind I felt as if I were running away to here all the time.  I was in a special, magical place where I was loved and no one could judge me.  I was able to be me and not care at all.  It had been dusk, the sun setting so beautifully.  I was sitting on the rail of the wooden bridge, lost in thought of the sunset.  I made a birthday wish right then, that I could meet someone that actually would care about me.  Someone that I could love and would love me back and that I could have forever.  Someone who would always come to this park with me and we could watch sunsets just like the one I was watching right now and I could kiss her.  I leaned my head back and sighed, a small smile dancing across my lips.  The first real one to appear in months.

"Umm...excuse me," I heard a small voice say from behind me.  I turned my head and saw a girl standing there.  I almost fell backward, my throat constricting and making it hard for me to breathe.  She was beyond beautiful, she was more than gorgeous.  If I had a word to describe her, I would use it.  She was wearing this Never Shout Never T-Shirt that was lose around most of the torso, but the bottom of the shirt and the cuffs of the sleeves were made to fit around the body with a pair of black short-shorts on, showing off her amazing legs.  She wasn't one of those stick girls that had a natrually skinny body and small bone structure and had a tan that said they spent their whole spring break in Florida.  She was medium built and slim with skin that was kissed by the sun, but you were able to tell it was because she had been outside a lot.  She had dark caramel hair, but about half of her bangs had been dyed a lighter shade of brown, almost blonde.  If love was at first sight, then my eyes were in love with this girl with my heart running right after them.

I cleared my throat and tried to give a smile, though I'm afraid that it probably looked more like a whince.

"Hey," I said, turning my body around on the rail to face her.  Inside, I was doing a quick overlook of myself.  I had my wrist bands on my arms, so the cuts were hidden.  I was wearing my red and black plaid shirt, the sleeves rolled up.  I had on a my black skinny jeans and a pair of my red Toms on.  My black hair was down and my dye-white bangs were hanging in my face.

"Oh great," I thought.  "I probably look majorly emo to her.  She's probably going to ask if I'm going to kill myself or something."

She cleared her throat and gave me the most dazzling shy smile.  I grinned a little back at her.  She was nervous and I had no clue why.

"I was wondering if I could take a picture of you for my photography class," she said, her voice dropping a little on each word.  I was shocked.  She wanted to take a picture of me??

"Umm..." I started to say.

"Nevermind, sorry.  It's just that they way you were sitting on the bridge is like a perfect shot in the sunset and I was wondering--" She started to ramble. 

"No, no!" I exclaimed, cutting her off.  I let out a chuckle.  "It's okay, you can take a picture.  I was just suprised, that's all," I told her.  She nodded and looked at me with wonderful brown eyes.

"Umm...could you turn back around to the way you were sitting?" she asked me.  I nodded and turned around, my face growing a bit hot.  "Okay, I'm just going to take a couple of shots.  I'll tell you when I'm done," she told me. 

"Okay," I responded back.  I started humming one of my favorite Never Shout Never songs, Coffee and Cigarettes.  She let out a laugh as I hummed.  I turned around and faced her.

"What?" I asked.  She grinned at me, making my heart squeeze a bit.

"The song you were humming," she told me.

"Yeah, it's by Never Shout Never.  You should know since you're wearing his shirt," I teased.  She smiled at me.

"Well of course I know it, I was just surprised that you knew it," she told me.  I tilted my head to the side.

"And why is that?" I asked her.  If it were lighter outside, I'm pretty sure that I would be able to see her blushing.

"Well...just the way you were dressed and everything..." she trailed off.  I let out a short laugh that sounded more like a bark.  My God I was really fucking this up.

"So you thought I listen to screamo and dubstep and all of that stuff?" I asked her.  She laughed a little and nodded.

"Honestly, yes I have to admit I did," she told me.

"Well, just so you don't feel so guilty, I do listen to that music.  But not just that," I told her, hopping off the railing and standing in front of her a couple feet away.  She was close to my height, maybe an inch shorter.  So she was about 5'6.

"Well, that's good to know," she told me.  I started to walk off, but I looked over my shoulder back at her.

"Here's a helpful hint.  Don't judge a book by it's cover.  You'll never meet new people if you just judge by what's on the outside.  Everyone is different inside," I called to her.  I walked off and went back to my house, butterflies flying inside of me.

I visited that park every night since I saw her.  I kicked myself inside numerous times for not getting her name.  I wish I had known it.  I half wished that I could see her again, but then there was that insecure part of me.  The part of me that told me that she was straight, but if she wasn't she wouldn't be interested in someone as sick and messed up as I was.  But God kept wanting to prove me wrong.

I had been working at one of the local cofee shops, either serving or playing gigs.  It was a good excuse to play for people and write some songs.  I was up playing a song that I had just written called Butterflies, really letting my voice out and sing.  It probably was one of the best shows that I had done.  Afterwards once I had finished talking to my manager and some of my co-workers, I saw her standing in the corner, watching me.  She smiled and waved when she noticed that I saw her.  I grinned and smiled back.  She walked over to me with her camera hanging from her neck and a notebook and pen tucked between her arm and her chest.

"Well, hi there again," I greeted with a smile.  I have no idea how I was able to be so outgoing with her, but for some reason I just wanted to talk whenever I saw her.

"Hey," she responded, smiling back.  She looked at my guitar and then back at me.  Her eye made my heart melt.  "There is no way that that was you up on stage singing just now!" she exclaimed. I laughed and shifted my feet, looking at the ground and then back up at her with a wide smile on my face.

"I'm not that good.  You make it sound as if I'm some famous artist," I defended.  Her mouth dropped open.

"Not that good?? You're beyond that good!  You should be a famous artist!" she exclaimed.


~~~will be continued~~~~

© Copyright 2020 VirgoMermaid. All rights reserved.

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