An Amiable Loss

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Can loss of love be inspirational?...

Submitted: July 26, 2012

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Submitted: July 26, 2012

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An Amiable Loss

…Inspiration from fragments

Rain…perhaps the most pondered upon romantic allegory, always swayed Bani into thoughts and memories. Her terrace provided the perfect ingredients. She loved the way crystal drops of water struck her nose, dripping down its crest and spread up over her lips. It felt like a calm breeze in the sumptuous aura of sea that her wet terrace often provides in partnership with the rain. It all felt like a conspiracy…a plot to lure her into the past again. Holding tightly to the mug of hot coffee in an almost candid way, she decided to leap into those moments that still in some way define her…

Those were her prime years of teenage. As a loved second daughter and frequently looked upon younger sister, she felt always needed and loved. Well, she never understood what love was. For her, the way her father would cheer up after seeing her laugh after virtually anything…the way her mother would hug her after she had tried to cook for the first time…may be that was love. Perhaps, she was right. Who’s she anyway to decide what this feeling is?

She was nice in academics and was a jolly friend. Life couldn’t have been better for her. But one day, something changed.

He sat next to him, well not by their choice but classroom arrangements. It was awkward at first to talk, study or even move your eyes at first. She hated the idea of an unknown person to share anything with her. But as they all say, time is everyone’s master. They started to chat just due to necessity and soon got well along. It was like an accident that changes the tone of your life. Like a drop of ink spreads and colors up every bit of the water it embraces, his companionship grew over her. It was fascinatingly seductive. Shaurya was nowhere closed to what she expected in a friend…he was honest but rude, frank but insensitive and loyal but bizarre. Still, he was something that she never understood. Well, perhaps she never tried to or never felt the need for. She used to play volleyball with him, tell whatever bugs her, listened to what made him disgruntled. Again, everything became like a dream. Apparently for her, life could soak up all the chaos and generate order out of it. Life was again perfect. Apparently…

She blew out a deep sigh. Bani never hated memory instilling moments like these but there was something in her that pondered over the fact that these were just ‘moments’. She could never live them again. Good or bad, she reflected on it a lot. May be it’s for the good as she couldn’t adulterate them even deliberately; but again they were to be cherished. There’s no middle ground when it comes to memories, you just can’t ignore them. She looked up, it had stopped raining. The post-rain breeze was perhaps the best she loved about the season…

She could never forgot that shine in his eyes…they reflected hope and some other ineffable feelings. That was the only moment his eyes ever sparkled like that. And thanked God forever to let her always visualize that moment. It’s weird that of all the moments that someone remembers, how some of those you can remember and visualize so exquisitely. He told her that he loved her deeply. She was speechless. She felt something in her spine. A tingle perhaps.

She knew what she had to say. She just couldn’t let him be the way he wanted. She loved her family too much and couldn’t hide anything. It was a gamble to take. How would they react? She herself was oblivious of what this feeling stood for. She explained him why she couldn’t go further and how much she valued his friendship above all. She knew he would understand; he was like an all-comprehending angel she dreamt of. He did.

They kept on being the greatest friends but something was different. He tried to be all normal but she became the predicament she always avoided. It took a year for her to realize what that tingle meant. Was it love? She still didn’t know. But it was something addictive and a mesmerizing seduction.

She could smell that feeling in a cold breeze. She could feel it in the leathery texture of the leaves after a rain. She could see it in the sunset and the sunrise. Everything started to symbolize that sensation.

So, she told him and he just smiled the most beautiful way possible, at least for her…

People say there is something divine in the way the rain changes the ‘flavor’ of the sky. She could smell that divinity. Nature’s miracles had always appealed her and continue to do so. Her coffee ran out, so she kept the mug away. She started looking up her phone. Staring at the picture of Shaurya, herself and Keshvi, she recalled how close she and Shaurya’s sister were…

Keshvi was always her dear friend, even after Shaurya came into her life. She just never complained. But things never go the way you expect them to.

“You have to do something, Bani. He is driving everyone at home mad. He has stopped studying, his marks are declining and worst of all he is no longer considerate. He fights a lot and always tries to find ways to be with you. You have to do something…”

She felt guilt. Nobody could judge whether she was the root cause or not for Shaurya’s dismal behavior. It didn’t matter. Guilt never looks for reason; it just sticks to your conscious and haunts you. With just a year left in her school life, she took a decision. She just wanted to see him at the very peak, to achieve what he deserves. So, she left him alone. She avoided all contacts and even a kind gestured glance. It might felt dramatic, but emotions are always dramatic. It was just a matter of a year. After all this is over, she’ll come back. Keshvi backed her decision and promised to convince Shaurya after everything is sorted out.

It’s easy to decide something but harder to do. Whenever she accidently made an eye contact, it gave him hope and she would curse herself. Whenever he grabbed her and yelled why she was acting like that, all she could do was to fele his presence again. But she had to be strong and shrug him away. She cursed herself for that too.

It was July and she could see paper-kites flying around in the urban blemished skies of Delhi. Although rain cleansed up the atmosphere but the stain the marvels of science provided to the sky always lingers. Life is like that. Incidents that once discolor our lives do it for a long time. No matter how sturdy you try to be, how solidly you try to bring everything back to normal, you just couldn’t succeed. A wound is reinjured over and over again…

She was shattered to see Shaurya not selected in any of the colleges she thought he was capable of going. She got through into a nice college but she was not in high spirits. She felt abysmal. She heard he was dropping a year to prepare again. She till this day feels naïve over why she too decided to drop. Her parents supported the idea as they believed she deserved the best institution available and why not give it a second shot. Did her decision have anything to do with Shaurya? She had no clue. She felt like flowing with a rickety river.

She heard he has a new girl in his life. She was surprised she couldn’t feel jealous. May be that’s what true love is. It’s never biased, jealous or revengeful. They are all negatives that she couldn’t associate with what she felt for Shaurya. She was confident about her love and ignored the change Shaurya had brought in his life. It was just like continuing the tough last year. She gave everything she had during that year.

Results were out again. She got through into the best institution in the country. Her family was over-whelmed. But all she wanted was to know about Shaurya. She called Keshvi, but she hung up. She felt may be he also had gone through and was celebrating with his family. She felt extreme bliss but it was ephemeral. After a month, she got to know Shaurya again performed dismally and somehow managed a seat for his graduation. She broke but held herself. All she wanted was to see and hug him. Feel his emotion, whether good or bad. She called Keshvi again and again, but she ignored. She even tried to talk to her personally but again she ran past her.

She couldn’t go to Shaurya directly. He would never believe. He was with a Girl and they both looked happy. She did felt a bit of envy but his smile was back…

Sometimes loss of what you desired the most hurts, but instead of self-loathing and grieving, you might find the love you miss in the relics of the past. She never tried to forget Shaurya’s small little memories. Keeping them alive, agonized her but he stood something for her. He defined some feeling that was so divine that she could endure all the pain in this world. Now, she was going strength from strength in her career pursuit. Successes always remind her of the same pure feeling about life that she feels with those 3 years of schooling embracing her thoughts. Unaccomplished Love could have left her with misery and sorrow but she decided to espouse the essence of love rather than the loss in her life. Since love is never biased, jealous or revengeful, it’s just love…

--Vishal Arora


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