Humorous Quotes

Reads: 259  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 1

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
If you're bored and have nothing to do, go right ahead and read it.

Submitted: May 29, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 29, 2014




Humorous Quotes


I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!


Haters make me famous, and damn it feels good to be a celebrity!


Sarcasm: Just one of the many services I provide.


I’m just a freaking ray of sunshine, aren’t I?


What part of “thou shalt not” do you not understand?


Adults, it’s not called talking back. It’s basic communication. You say something, I respond. Familiar?


I lost my number, can I have yours instead?


Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?


If I can’t be a good example, I’ll just have to be a horrible warning.


As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.


Heaven help us when God lets a thinker into the world!


Ninjas make better boyfriends!


I plan to live forever, or die trying!


Ah, divorce. A Latin term derived from stealing a man’s genitals through his wallet.


Poetry, it’s cheaper than therapy.


One day I was in my room, staring at the stars. Then I wondered, “Where the heck is my ceiling?”


I am not a klutz. Inanimate objects just like to pick on me.


I am the author of my own life’s story (book signings are next week!).


God, please save me from your followers!


All I know is what this thing in my skull tells me.


Sarcasm is a body’s natural defense against stupid.


Computers -- They freeze up on me, play games with me, and I can turn them on with the push of a button. In other words? Guys!


Silence is golden, but shouting is fun!


Is your dad a terrorist? Cause baby you the bomb!


Don’t worry, I don’t know who I am either!


Boys are like slinkies - it’s fun to watch them fall down the stairs!


Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.


I get suspicious when I see “all of the above” on a test.


If everyone shared my opinion, I’d probably change my mind.


Is it evil in here, or is it just me?


Our planet is the mental institution of the universe.


I have a bitter tongue, but it tastes great!


I may look calm, but in my head I’ve already thought of 348 ways to kill you, one of them including a beaver and a taxi cab.


I would be in a mental hospital if you ever knew what was on my mind.


It sucks when you’re eating cereal and the last three pieces are like “Try and catch me, bitch!”


I’m tired of all these idiots breathing in my oxygen.


I bet the ‘YMCA’ is harder to do in Chinese.


Welcome to the ool. Notice there is no P in it. Let’s keep it that way.


My heart isn’t your dick. Stop playing with it.


Guys are like lava lamps. They’re hot but not that bright!


Love at first sight is the result of too much to drink.


Whoever said nothing was impossible should try slamming a revolving door.


It’s not “when animals attack”, it’s more like “when stupid people get bit”.


One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.


Don’t make me angry, I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.


I’m actually quite pleasant until I wake up.


I’m an angel, honest! The horns are only to hold the halo up.


24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.


I have PMS and a gun... any questions?


If I’m not back in 5 minutes... wait longer.


Sex is simple math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray to God you don’t multiply!


I like how ninja turtles wear masks. It’s a good way to hide your identity. Not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.


I don’t lie, I just make the truth more exciting!


WARNING: Next mood swing... 3 minutes.


Three words to ruin a guy’s ego... Is it in? Are you done?


Finally 18, and legal enough to be doing all the stuff I’ve been doing since I was 13.


The more I learn, the less I understand.


My teacher said I could become anything, so I became drunk!


Let me sit on your lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.


Nobody’s perfect. Hi, I’m nobody.


When God made me he was just showing off.


Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol.


Does this look like a face that cares?


The draught is here, so save water and drink beer!


I’m not opinionated, I’m just always right.


I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.


I ran into my ex the other day. Put the car in reverse and hit him again!


I don’t swim in your toilet so don’t pee in my pool!


You may think he’s sexy, you may think he’s fine, but guess what bitch! He’s mine.


The death of one is a tragedy. The death of millions is just statistics.


If anyone asks, just say we’re high on life.


Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.


Dyslexic Satanists worship Santa.


If I was forced to walk like those around me, I’d walk backwards.


No shirt, no shoes, no service. So do I have to wear pants?


Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?


Remember kids! You can be anything you want. Lawyer or Doctor.


Every day, thousands of plants die due to vegetarianism. Have a heart, eat a rock.


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.


I like children. Properly cooked.


Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill.


Can’t spell slaughter without laughter!


etc = End of Thinking Capacity.


TGIF = Twitter Google Ipad Facebook.


I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.


After twelve years of therapy, my therapist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles”.


When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did. Sleeping, not screaming like all of the passengers in his car.


When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.


Money can’t buy happiness. I now have $50 million and I was just as happy with $48 million.


The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.


What do you mean my birth certificate expired?


How many roads must a man walk before he admits he’s lost?


I have opinions of my own - strong ones - but I don’t always agree with them.


I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they all get nervous and give the wrong answers.


There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?


Car service: if it ain’t broke, we’ll break it!


Roses are red, Facebook is blue. No mutual friendships, who the fuck are you?


Teamwork is everybody doing what I say.


There’s always that cart with the one messed up wheel. I’m all like, “I wanna see the games!” and it’s all, “Nah, bitch, we’re going to produce!”


That awkward moment when your ex is dating the girl who said you look cute together.


Every awkward silence, a gay baby is born.




If there’s any intelligent life out there, I hope they don’t find out about us!


Here’s to beer: The source of, and answer to, all my problems.


The government is like a big baby. Extreme hunger on one end, and no responsibilities on the other.


Guys are like a piano. What you get out of them depends on how you play them.


Bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.


I’m knot a blonde! I’m knot! I’m knot! I’m knot!


It’s not a hickey, it’s a birthmark!


Put on headphones, and it seems like everyone wants to talk.


If you’re cute you can call me sweety. If you’re hot you can call me tonight.


That awkward moment when you’re caught masturbating.


I’m not fat, I’m pregnant with ice cream’s baby!


Ever notice that Cupid rhymes with stupid?


I’m not the girl next door, I’m the bitch across the street.


PMS = Punish Men Severely.


I speak sarcasm as a second language.


My whole life is just one giant “you had to be there” joke.


I’m not mooning you, I’m turning the other cheek.


I don’t need your attitude, I have one of my own.


I stopped fighting my demons. We’re on the same side now.


My favorite thing about gummy bears is they can’t fight back when you bite their heads off.


I’m smiling. That alone should scare you.


If a man speaks with no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?


It’s funnier now that I get it.


You’re a good friend, but when the zombies come I’m tripping you.


I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.


Men only think with one head, and it’s not the one on their shoulders.


Welcome to Wal*Mart, get your shit and get out!


Your lips keep moving but all I hear is “blah, blah, blah”.


I got out of bed for this?


Ninjas need love, too!


I support the right to arm bears.


Remember my name, you’ll be screaming it later.


All grown up and still fascinated by nipples.


Hope was raped by fate to make reality.


I’m as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.


I’ve gone crazy to the point of sanity.


That awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight.


Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other. What do I have?

Student: A drinking problem.


$19.99 because $20 is too much.


Endangered species: smart AND sexy men.


To all who dropped out: You tried your best. And I don’t like onions on my Big Mac.


Mom: What did you learn in school today?

Me: Obviously not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.


I bet you shower naked. SLUT.


“We can still be friends” is like saying “the dog died, but we can keep it”.


If a tomato’s a fruit, then ketchup’s a smoothie.


It’s scary how ready our generation is for the zombie apocalypse.


You know you had fun when you can’t tell your parents what you did.


My ex had one very annoying habit: Breathing.


I don’t think I could ever stab someone. Let’s be honest, I can barely get the straw into a Capri Sun.


Dear Homework,

They may be doing you, but all they think about is me.

Sincerely, Summer


Nothing better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!


Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them knowing it.


Everything is funnier when you’re not allowed to laugh.


When people ask dumb questions, I feel obligated to give sarcastic answers.


They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was taken.


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If drama was vodka, my whole family would be wasted.


I’m through with love. Thank god there’s still sex!


If Barbie isn’t a whore, why do people have to buy her boyfriends?


It’s not PMS, it’s you.


I have ADD and magic markers. Oh the joys of the world!


I trip up the stairs.


I keep missing my ex. But my aim is getting better!


My excess attitude makes up for my lack of height.


B.I.T.C.H. Being In Total Control of Him.


To all you bitches with my name on your lips, do what you do best and swallow it.


Blondes have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.


I support single moms. One buck at a time.


It’s a beautiful day. Now watch this asshole fuck it up.


Procrastinators UNITE... tomorrow.


That’s MR. Asshole to you!


Dear God, make everyone die. Amen.


We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do.


Everybody loves a little beaver.


Let’s play carpenter! We’ll both get hammered then I’ll nail you.


It’s not your fault, but I’m blaming you.


I do what the voices in my pants tell me to do.


If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!


And on that day, not a single fuck was given.


I like my women like I like my whiskey: Twelve years old and mixed with coke.


Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot, but not acceptable for me to point it out?


I went outside once. The graphics were amazing, but the storyline was terrible.


We go together like politicians and bad ideas.


I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.


Oh, I’m sorry that the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours.


I love you more than a zombie loves brains.


I once had dreams of being rich and successful, but I realized that required getting off the couch.


Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of procrastination.


I think I missed the part in puberty where I get attractive.


I can almost always tell when I movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.


If you ask me to hold your drink, I will drink it.


My head says go to the gym, but my heart says eat the cupcake.


My good looks are ruining people’s lives.


I’m allergic to mornings.


Dear Lord, thank you for making baseball pants. Amen.


My parents accused me of lying. I said “Santa Claus”.


I don’t exercise to be healthy, I exercise to look sexy naked.


I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being as surprised as everyone else.


No officer, my speech isn’t slurred. I’m talking in cursive.


I have a black belt in sarcasm.


When I get old, I’m going to keep pressing my Life Alert button to see how many hot firemen show up.


All you guys wearing skinny jeans; I think you took the phrase “getting in her pants” the wrong way.


Damn right I’m good in bed! I can stay there all day!


It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

© Copyright 2020 VyrgoMD. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments: