The Mountain Biker and the Mad Cow

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A mountain biker meets a cow. Or is it a bull?

Submitted: September 23, 2012

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Submitted: September 23, 2012

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The Mountain Biker and the Mad Cow

 

I thought I'd tell you all a story of something that happened to me not too very long ago.  It involved a cow.  Not many stories involve a cow, but this one does.  Usually cows are nice and friendly – just mooing and chewing cud, not at all threatening.  On this day, things were very different….

I mentioned this occurrence to my good friend, who is from Bulgaria, where they don't give cows much respect.

"Hit'em with a 2 by 4, if they give you any trouble" he said... Well, I don't go mountain biking with a handy length of 2 by 4 - maybe I should start.

But, to the story!

So, I was biking up Mission Peak - which is very hard work, for me, anyway, and near the top, there I was, almost dead on my pedals, when this bovine lump started giving me the evil eye.  He was pawing.  Pawing is not a good sign, is it?  I do believe he was snorting also.

Pawing and snorting creatures are best avoided, especially when they could be bulls, right?  I mean, maybe this was a cow, but if it was, she was doing a darn good job of hiding her udders...

But, I had a job to do.  My goal was the top of Mission Peak.  Was I going to turn around and tell my Bulgarian friend "I nearly made it to the top of Mission Peak on Saturday, but there was this cow, see..."  No, I don't think so.

So, there was the path and there was the thing I now considered to be an angry bull, about 40 inches apart.  Now, people say that bulls can only see about 3 feet.... or is it 5 feet... hmmm this is critical.... anyway, I decided to go with 3 feet, which meant I’d be 4 inches out of range and the pawing, snorting and now frothing animal would be completely unaware of me as I crept along the path on my tippy-tires.

This may have been a mistake. 

Not only did my local friendly pawing, snorting and frothing bull see me (must have been 5 feet, dammit..), but he ran towards me at a very fast amble, having decided to come and trample me and possibly have me for dinner!  I KNOW they're vegetarians, but it's hard to remember that when one is coming towards you, only 4 inches away, and frothing! 

It was wet.  Did I mention the path was wet, and muddy and very steep and - significantly for a cyclist - very slippery?  So, picture this - Mountain Biker on bike on mountain, pedaling furiously up very muddy path, to avoid large gleaming-eyed, (pawing, snorting and frothing) bull, but THE BIKE WAS NOT MOVING!  Tires were slipping, see?  Then, just at the critical moment of almost contact with the creature, whose gollopping great red eyes had one HELL of a gleam in them - a sort of 'come to papa, dinner-boy' gleam, I decided it was time for my master-stroke! 

I fell off!

I departed the bike in a beautiful arc – just like a trapeze artist does – and landed, on my face, in the mud, just like a trapeze artist doesn’t.

I wasn’t sure being a mountain biker was working for me in this situation, so using my mountain biker super-powers, I instantaneously transmogrified into a ‘mountain runner, pushing mountain bike’, and clumped like the blazes up the muddy hill.

In a flash, the bull was.......... well, it sort of lost interest and ambled away, snorting and pawing occasionally, but I think he'd had his fun for the day - I'll swear she was smiling.....  and, come to think of it, could those be udders, between her back legs, where cows usually keep them?

 


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