Happy hooters

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Providing the necessary equipment to keep the hooters happy

Submitted: December 29, 2011

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Submitted: December 29, 2011

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Honey, just let it go.

Shush.  I thought you liked Bouncy Boobs just as much as I do?

I do but it's not worth the trouble.  You just need to accept that as you go through life, you're going to have to get used to some changes.  Especially as you get older.

Shut up.  I'm on the phone.  And somebody needs to do something about this injustice.

Happy Hooter Brassieres.  How may I direct your call?

I'm not sure.  I want to talk about your Bouncy Boobs.

Excuse me?  Oh boy.  Are you some kind of pervert weirdo?  Are you stalking me?  I'm going to call the police.

No, no I mean your Bouncy Boob bras.

Well why didn't you say so?

I did.  O never mind.  How come I can't find any Bouncy Boobs for sale?

I don't know ma'am.  I'll transfer you to customer service.  Maybe they can tell you.

Customer service, can I help you?

What happened to your Bouncy Boobs?

O honey child, don't even get me started.  But that sort of thing just kind of happens when you've had six children, a really handsy husband with a dungeon if you know what I mean, and you get to be 50 years old.  What happened to yours?

I don't know.  I can't find them anywhere.

You poor dear.  I've been working here for 30 years and that's the first time I've heard that.  Have you been drinking?

Not too much yet, it's only 11:00 AM.  What I mean is, I can't find Bouncy Boobs bras anywhere.  What happened to them?

Why didn't you say so? They've been discontinued.  By the way, would you like to buy some dungeon equipment?  We've got a torture rack, a hanging cage, a set of stocks and whips.  Lots of whips.

No, I've got enough torture devices already, I can hardly get around the garage.  Who the hell would do such a thing?  Now what am I supposed to do about Bouncy Boobs?

Have you tried those shoes with the little springs in them?  Or perhaps a trampoline?

Shut up.  And let me speak to your superior.

Yes ma'am.  I will transfer you directly to our ceo.

Felix Humpingdinck.  What can I do for you?

You can get back my Bouncy Boobs, for one thing.

Long silence.  Is that you Sheila?  You want me to make another appointment at the plastic surgeon for you?

No this isn't Sheila!  This is one of your customers.  I've been a customer for forty................... let's just say a lot of years.  And I deserve Bouncy Boobs!

Every woman does ma'am.  And I've dedicated my life to just that subject.  I can give you a referral to the best plastic surgeon.

That's not what I need.  Why are they discontinued?

O.  Now I see what you mean.  Are you very familiar with our company and our products?

Yes I am.

So you know what our motto is then?

Always firmly behind you offering our support and providing a boost.

Yes ma'am, that is correct.  And I mean that wholeheartedly.  I'm a real hands on type of guy and if something isn't right I want to know about it.  So am I to assume that you started out with our trainer bras?

Yes I did, the Tiny Teasers.

Good, good.  Then, generally around the age of 14, 15 or 16 most girls upgrade to the next level and move into our Little Friskies.

Right.  And I liked them very much.  Everyone that saw them did.

I'm glad to hear that.  That's precisely why we made them, so that they could be shared with the world.  It's always good to hear customer feedback.  Did you continue on to our next line?  The ones designed for late teens as they venture off to college?

Budweiser Quick Strip?  Yes I did.  But that's an odd name for a bra.  I never really quite understood it.

Well you see, I designed that one personally.  While I was in college I noticed that after Budweiser or Coors starts flowing, quite often girls will need to get out of their bras quickly in order to participate in many of the various activities.  And alcohol does nothing to help with a guy's or even a girls coordination.  Instead of bumbling and fumbling about for several minutes trying to undo the damn thing, I came up with a quick release Velcro strip, right in the front for easy access for any one.  Even the drunkest idiot could manage it.  It took nine years of hands on research but I persisted.  It is perfection, even if I do say so myself and I get letters all the time from college men thanking me.

You were in college for nine years?

Yes ma'am.  Like I said, I was heavily involved in the research.

I don't know about Budweiser.  But you're right, it is quick and easy, even after three or four White Russians.  I guess the guys in college drank Budweiser and none of them ever had any problem with it.  As a matter of fact, they always said I was easy.  That was nice of them, don't you think?

Now there you go.  That's exactly why I designed it.  Thank you for letting me know.  And during
college or just afterwards, when they enter the work force, that is the point of divergence, when women split into one of two categories.  The ones that have been especially blessed move into our Natural Wonder line.  They feature a slightly different shape and have been reinforced at critical points to withstand the heavier payloads and stresses expected from these marvels of nature's engineering.  Then there is the other category, those who graduate to the Bouncy Boobs.  They've got a tiny spring built into the front strap that gives off an energetic little bounce, especially if you're wearing heels.  But you know all about these already.  These are my personal favorites and are quite mesmerizing to watch.  Working women all over the world seem to love them.

Those are the ones I like.  Now, what has happened to them?

They've been discontinued ma'am.  After we introduced our newest ones, they just weren't selling.

They weren't selling?  Bullshit!  Me and all of my friends wear them.  And we need our Bouncy Boobs!

And I'm all in favor of you having them.  But they have been replaced with our next line.  Have you considered upgrading to the next series?  They're fairly new on the market.  We call it the Jiggleator.  They've got tiny little motors built into the side of the cups that give off a vibrating, shaking motion, kind of like a jackhammer going side to side.  Any sort of motion on your part sets them off.  So far they are limited to only two speeds, Ocean Motion or Earthquake 8.5.  Guaranteed attention getters, we came out with them just for women like you that are a little past the marrying age and desperate to get a man.

I beg your pardon?  Who the hell are you calling desperate?  And I do not need a man!

I see.  I don't suppose you have any children?  Or do any of your friends?  Because we have a line especially for women that do.  After nursing quite often things are just never the same and we have a line to combat this.  They're called Mommy's Little Helpers.

I have no need of them, thank you very much.

I'm beginning to get the picture.  I'm going to suggest that you try an altogether different category of our bras.  They're called Fantastic Plastic.  They're constructed entirely of see through vinyl material and all of the lesbians love them.  I think you would be quite satisfied with them.

Are you calling me a lesbian?  What the hell makes you think I'm a lesbian?

By now it's quite obvious to me and you practically came right out and said so yourself.  You don't need a man, you have no children, you seem to have lots of " girlfriends", and the caller ID says you're calling from Florida.  Need I say more? 

Why would you think I'm a lesbian because I live in Florida?

Have you never been to South Beach?  Or Key West?  And most of our Fantastic Plastic seems to get shipped to Florida.  You know how all of those foreigners and supermodels are.  That's why.

I don't need a man because I'm married and  I have lots of girlfriends because I'm friendly.  There is at least one woman living in Florida that is not a lesbian.  And it's me you idiot!

I tell you what ma'am.  Why don't you get all of your friends together, all of you remove your clothing, take lots of photos and video and e-mail them to me.  Then I can see exactly what I'm dealing with and can offer some suitable suggestions for you and all of your" friendly" girlfriends that just happen to love Bouncy Boobs. 

I don't know if I could get them to go along with that.  I mean, I most certainly will not.  How in the world could it be such a hassle just to get Bouncy Boobs?

Now listen carefully.  And I will speak very slowly this time.  They.Have.Been.Dis.
Con.Tin.Ued.  Even the dumbest hillbilly from Florida should be able to understand that.  I can do something for you however.  We've got some entirely new products coming out in the spring.  I can send you some pre production samples to evaluate.  Would you like that?

Sure.  I'm ready to try about anything now.  Whatcha got?

There are two products coming out in our entirely new Puppy lineup.  The first ones don't have an official name yet but we call them Perky Puppies.  They're designed for breasts that have been around a bit, maybe have a few years on them but are still very possibly salvageable. You know, the ones that just need a little helping hand?  My intuition tells me that you're going to be interested in these.  But anyway,  they've got tiny electro stimulation diodes at the top of each cup.  These are programmable and you can set the frequency to vary from a few seconds up to a few minutes at different intervals, at whatever strength level you desire.  If you're going to a movie you can wear a low cut dress and set them on low and no one will ever know that you're wearing them. You'll barely even feel it.  Then if you attend a party afterwards, crank those suckers up on high and they will be hopping and jumping all over the place.  You'll be the life of the party.  Guaranteed fun, especially if you're playing drinking games.  And scientific evidence has shown that the tissue will tone and tighten up with repeated use.  Yes.  For all practical purposes, you will reverse gravity and age.  It will be like having your old college breasts again.  You might even want to start sharing them again with the younger generation of college kids.  Who knows?

Now that sounds interesting.  What else you got?

Puppy Push Ups.  They're made for those that need or just want a little help.  Research has indicated that they will be very popular, at least in the feminine crowd.  They're made to squeeze, poke, prod, push, maneuver and relocate tissue to more strategic and desirable locations, giving the appearance of a shapelier, fuller bust line.  Females seem to be ok with this sort of dastardly fakery but it is considered by many knowledgeable legalists to be akin to sleight of hand tricks and remains a highly questionable practice.  Simply put, it is false advertising at its worst.  I will send you some of these to try and I will also include a waiver of liability that you must sign and return before wearing any of these.  You must assume complete and full responsibility for their use.  Here at Happy Hooters we do our best to keep everyone joyful and we most certainly do not need dozens of lawsuits filed by outraged boyfriends that have been cruelly manipulated into different obligations before they became fully aware of the person they were dealing with.

The last one we have coming out is tentatively named Tuckered Titties.  If you're bored in your current life you may want to work up to these and give them a shot.  Starting completely from scratch, these have been designed strictly for the utmost comfort.  Intended for aging porn stars, retired strippers and Vegas showgirls, they're made of the softest materials available and feature continuous curves with no seams to itch or irritate the skin.  Money is no object in this line.  After undergoing a lifetime of overuse, mistreatment and out right abuse, all in the effort to contribute to the betterment of our society, these breasts are now entitled to the most humane and gentle treatment available.  Much like circus animals that are no longer wanted or needed under the big top, these icons deserve to be put out to pasture where they can pass the remainder of their days in dignity and peace.  Our first shipment is going to the west coast were we expect them to be very popular but I can keep out a few and send your way if you like.

I'm not sure that I would qualify for those.

Well ma'am if you would go to my plastic surgeon he could fix you up and you could get started right away on a career in the Arts &Entertainment business.  Then after a few years you might indeed qualify for Tuckered Titties.  And they do qualify for a tax write off, a business expense and that sort of thing.  Remember, I'm a hands on type of guy and I could personally guide your career.  Now, when can I expect those photos and video in the e-mail?

Just as soon as I receive some Jiggleators.  Click.


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