Self-Harm 2

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Added to my previous work on my other account...please take the time to read.

Submitted: August 10, 2015

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Submitted: August 10, 2015

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"Cutting isn’t an addiction? That’s funny coming from someone who hasn’t

self harm a day in his or her life.

Cutting is more addicting than any drug or any alcohol and

I will tell you why:

Because with every cut your self-respect, your dignity, anything the made you

who you are is slowing being dug into your skin because you hate who you are.

Pain—you can’t feel it because you have become numb.

Love- you don’t know what that is nor can they show it, at least not truly.

Happiness—has been long gone the moment that razor touched your skin.

You are drowning in sorrow…you are hurting more than anyone would know.

They catch the marks on your wrist…you have dozen more hiding

somewhere else that they can’t see.

You pretend to be something you’re not just to

show them what they want to see.

Deception it’s easy for you because you’ve been doing it for so long.

It’s a game to you, gambling your life,

because you’re trying to die without actually dying.

You want to know why you don’t cut vertically

because you don’t actually want to die…

because that will end the game.

So instead you cut horizontally one after another in a neat little row.

You want to be caught.

You want to be saved, but you’re never going to ask for help.

You want to be loved by someone, but you’re afraid more than anything.

You want your friends to notice your unhappiness and make you feel good again,

but you won’t open your mouth. You don’t want to die, then stop harming yourself. "

http://www.booksie.com/other/essay/loveplushateequalsfun/self-harm
 
I wrote this a long time ago on an old account listed above which
I still can not figure out which email I used,
BUT I want to add on to it. 
 
Before you think that I have no clue what I'm talking about...let me stop you for a second.
 
I've been there...I held that knife to my skin, I've drowned myself,
I've popped pills, and try to suffocate myself.
I wanted to die for many reasons. I thought I didn't belong
and that nobody would care if I was gone. I was bullied and
emotionally abused. I have anxiety and depression.
It didn't seem like it wasn't going to get better because
there were more dark days than there were good ones.
But I was wrong and they do get better.
 
I was lucky though because I had so many great and
positive people in my life and they saved my life.
They showed me what I would of missed out on.
I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for them.
The only reason I stayed alive was because of
my family and the group of girls that shaped my life.
They didn't know and/or realize how much of an impact they had on my life.
I remember just staring into space and wondering
how they would react if they knew I was dead.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave them behind.
I didn't want them to think it was their fault because it wasn't.
Drifting away from the group wasn't their fault either.
It was mine. I was so scared of what they would think of me.
Those girls were always there for me. I was depressed,
so hurt, and angry. I didn't want my negative energy to affect them, 
so I just left and I stayed away. Sometimes I saw them around the
school and I saw that they were happy and I'm glad because it makes me happy.
You know you can be surrounded by a billion people and still feel alone.
You can love someone and yet still push them away.
 
Those years were the darkest ones I ever had and
I don't ever want to go back to no matter
how much hurt, or anger, or frustration
I feel because that's the first time I ever felt alone. 
Things got better even when we were no longer friends...
I met new ones and I eventually
met the love of my life and we're getting married.
 
Now Brian was a godsend...somehow he turned those
little jagged pieces of my being and
turned them into something equally beautiful.
He picked me up and brushed me off...held my
hands through days I just couldn't get through and
he put faith/hope back in me. Some days are
easier than others, but it does get better...
you find your place and you grow up...
and see all the
beauty in the world.
All those people that used to make fun of you...
no longer matter.
All those days
of hurt and lonlieness will be replaced with love and hope. 
 
Put down the knife...
sit and write all your feelings on a piece of paper no matter how long it
takes in any form you want to,
get counselling, take a breather, because you don't want to
make a permant decision. There are many people like you,
you are not alone...and I am open to
discussion and you can email me any time to talk because I won't turn you away and I
understand more than anyone what it feels like being alone or having no one to talk to. 
 


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