Hold Him Close

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Thoughts about missing someone and wondering if you will ever see them again.

Submitted: October 23, 2009

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Submitted: October 23, 2009

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They say you don’t know what you have until it is gone. I always thought it was some stupid saying, something to make you appreciate what you have and not always just want. But lately my view on the subject has shifted. No, I didn’t lose him. If I had I would be bawling now, possibly breaking my computer keyboard with my tears.
But I haven’t seen him. Not for four days. People always talked to me about the feeling I had about him. I honestly couldn’t really relate to what they were saying. But now I can. Because when he is not there by my side I feel empty. I feel like part of me is gone, and without that part I can’t be myself. I can’t be whole without him.
Of course I know that sounds incredibly corny. People always say that stuff like that is all bull shit. But it’s not true. Every time I find myself writing something normally viewed as corny I can say with one-hundred percent honesty that the statement reflects my true thoughts.
And now I feel with every fragment of my being that without him I feel different. Now I know that if he were to leave for good, I would find myself broken for a long time. Not the quick one week recovery from my last boyfriend, but something closer to a month, maybe three weeks.
Now that I know how it feels to be without him I feel that when I see him again I will have to hold him close and never let him go. It bothers me when he hugs other girls, when he talks to other girls. I feel like I may be losing him, and…and I can’t stand that. I want him by my side, I want him there.
But…well I haven’t seen him for four days. I haven’t talked to him online for two. And I can’t help but wonder, what has he come down with? The flu? Swine flu? Or perhaps something more serious. Will he be alive tomorrow? Will I be able to see him again? Then I would lose him without a goodbye. There was no goodbye the day he left sick. He left during second period; I don’t have that class with him.
What if he is gone? What if I’ll never see him again? Never hug him again. Never hear his laugh or his voice. What if four days ago that was the beginning of the end for us?
It’s now when I wonder why I never told him in person that I loved him. Why I only kissed him twice. Why I didn’t snuggle up to him or ask him to put his arm around me like he had that day at the movie theater. So many questions. What if I’ll never have the opportunity to do these things?
I'm such an idiot. I lived life like I was going to live forever. I hung my head out the window and laughed in the window. Decided that life was a party and I was having a blast. And while I thought all this was fine, I should have been treating every moment like it was my last. I should have held him close at every oppourtunity, made sure that he knew exactly how I felt...
Now that he may be gone, I am well aware of what I have. I want him to be ok and I want to see him when Monday comes. I want him to hold me close and tell me he loves me, make me laugh and make me smile. Make me blush and make me feel the way no one else can do.
But what if I never have the chance?


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